00:02
Don't go outside. This is my battlefield. Fightingalone. Every single day. No one sees it. But Ikeep going. Slow is fine. Stopping is fine. Justmove forward. Hikikomori Hero. Still standing.
This is just a podcast.
I wanna talk about English pronunciation again. Iuse one word many times, but the way I learned itbefore and what I say, what I saw in articleslately are completely different. YouTube saydifferent things too. So, it felt like the truthwas hidden.
Today I checked again, and it looked a bitdifferent from yesterday. Maybe the way I see itchanged, but the way I found yesterday wasactually fine.
The first way I learned was the right one. This ishard because my head gets mixed up. But I finallyfound out that the way I studied the first timewasn't wrong. That was a big thing for me.
Next, there's something I just can't understand. Isee comments on TV or what people say to idols.Everyone says the same thing. It's that the firstthing you should say is that what you should sayto an idol at a meeting.
Other people say the same thing anyway. Even ifone person out of ten says it, it's okay. But don't they think other people will say it too? I don't get it.
Do you really feel you have to say it yourself? It's just a comment anyone else would say. I can'tthink of a specific example right now.
But I see it on SNS about the show name. I thoughtabout showing that I'm Japanese, but people mightthink it's a show about Japanese culture if theydon't know the background or culture.
They might not listen even if it's in English. Iforgot that. I don't know how much the backgroundmatters when I speak English. Maybe because Ithought about this.
I got sick. My stomach is bad for two days now. Iused to have a bad stomach every two days, so Iwonder how I lived with that pain for years. Itwas worse before, but it was normal for me.
03:12
I almost always felt like that after eating forsome reason. I went to the second floor, and it'sbeen warm for a month, but today it was cold. Idon't know if it's cold. And sometimes I makemyself warm, but it's not cold.
Also, my voice is bad, so I listen to the radiobecause I can look at the screen. But I woke upduring the part I don't wanna hear. It'sfrustrating. Why did I sleep? When I was awake, itwas a talk I didn't like. I slept again.
And when I woke up, it was the same talk. My luckis bad. It's not just negative thinking. I'mreally unlucky. Maybe that is negative thinking. Idon't know.
Yesterday, I had to watch a video by a YouTuberabout culture again, so I have more to do. I can'tlook at the screen at night. And the night islong. I don't have a podcast to listen to. And mySpotify is a free brand, so there are limits.
I keep thinking about things I haven't talkedabout here. About the phone mic, I saw a videoabout making one with tape, but I've been bad atmaking things. Since I was a kid, it brings backbad memory. I can't get over the feeling that I'mbad at it.
I don't understand the explanation even if I watchit many times. When I tell my mother, sheunderstands it quickly. I don't remember when thatwas. Also, I thought about putting Japan in thetitle for people overseas.
After a few hours, I gave up, but then I found outI could put it in the subtitle, My luck is bad,because I found that out just when I gave up.
When these things happen, I get scared of change.I always think not changing is best. I try hard tokeep things the same, but either way is fine.Really, I don't want people to think my show isabout mental health. I don't want to label, but Iwanna have my own group.
06:12
People feel safe when there's a clear group likemental health. Many people say they don't want alabel, but wanna belong somewhere. It's because weare lonely. It doesn't make sense, but I feel thatway.
I had a daydream. I sent a letter to mygrandmother and said I wanna go to the prepschool. I won't ask for money, but she was gonnagive me some before. I wonder if I should call heragain when I'm worried about school. It's not forthe money, but I'd be happy if she offered.
I wonder why I'm thinking of this time, this now.I've never relied on her, but she's a strongperson, so I should have relied on her more.
I thought I think logically, but maybe I thinkwith my heart when I think about whether I shouldask my father about touching things in the kitchenwithout washing his hands.
I think with my feelings to solve things. Youshould think about what's happening if you don'task, but I just feel it. Maybe it's because I'mthat kind of person. Even if we think with ourheads, feelings are important at the bottom.
Or maybe humans have the power to think ofeverything in a second. I can't see the wholeculture, so I just feel it. That's why the middleis often right. I know I should think it through,but I feel like it's okay.
I'm not just being lazy. I cheer for idols andeven people who go their own way to the normallife because of marriage or people around them. I've seen that many times, so I don't trust peoplemuch. Even if they say they'll go their own way,they pick the safe road in the end, but somepeople rarely do go their own way.
One ex-idol said she can't get married because sheloves her hubby. She's over 30 and still staysthat way. That makes me happy. Almost no one stayson their own road like me.
Next is something I don't get. People say theyhave the main person in their own life. If you usesports, you can just say you'll be the star playertoday. If your job is to help others from theback, that's okay. If you try to be the star, youaren't doing your job. So being the main persondoesn't mean much to me.
09:30
A famous person said someone was the main personbecause they could give up everything for onething. He said that's rare, but then he said othermembers are also the main person in their own way.That definition changed.
He said that one person was special, but then saideveryone is. Japanese people do that a lot. Theysay one thing is the best, then say they likeothers too. They say everyone has good point inthe end. I don't know what they wanted to say. I'mused to it because so many people are like that.
I was moved by one thing about Nogizaka. A girlwho was said to be trying for the top universitycame back. There was another girl who went to thevery smart school and was the center of a group.She has a strong look because she's smart andstill. I've felt this a few times in my life. Iwas moved by it yesterday.
They are both smart. Another person sit in themiddle and look strong. I saw three very smartpeople and was moved. I had this feeling when Iwas in elementary school. It's a feeling of beingsafe because I know them well.
Entertainment uses that feeling. I'm sure musicand anime do too. This doesn't really matter. Buttwo people from the smart ranking said they werecold because people think they are one persontogether. They were laughing hard. I like thatthey didn't care about their pride and could laughabout it.
I'm like that too. At first, I wanted my show nameto be Laugh At Me. I thought about that title.About tofu, I've had a hard time because theamount changed. My health and other things werehard. Yesterday, I knew my stomach was bad whileeating. Maybe I have a cold or stomach is bad. Idon't know my stomach well, so I can't say.
12:04
It was too hard to eat, so I ate less. I took away150g, so it was still 750g.
I was just eating hard. When I was a kid, I alwaysfelt like I would throw up, so my stomach wasweak. But one day, that feeling went away. Now Idon't know where my stomach is. I don't understandwhen people say their stomach hurts or feel heavysince I lost that feeling. I never throw up.
Even if I feel like I might. I read on the newsabout someone who failed the top university exam,went to a different school, and kept trying peoplelike that on YouTube or TV because their life iseasy to understand and interesting.
My life is unique but dark. I was in a religionfor 20 years and stopped and I've been inside forover 50 years. I'm trying to find a name for theshow so people of overseas can understand it. It'shard. It might only look dark.
I don't see my parents and I think life has nomeaning. Those are points. The gap is also apoint. It's a unique way of living.
I'm inside but I'm very strict with myself. It'shard to see. Maybe that's ok. I don't wanna befamous anyway. I'll just keep doing my podcast.Detective Conan is coming out this April. Thismight be the 5th time. It's special to do it inApril and making the clothes must be hard.
But I was surprised it's April. It's for theholiday. It's different from Doraemon. I used tovlog. So I thought about busy market and quietmarket. It's like a religion.
Conan is April because debris is in the summer andit's too busy. A cook said the place with manyother people is better. It depends on the personand what they want. You never really know what isgood.
Some people say to look for the quiet spot in thebusy market. I had a hard time with my blog.Everyone said different things but they act likethat's one right answer. There are many businessbooks in store. But they don't have the rightanswer. It's like diet.
15:03
Business people must get lost. It's a gamble. Youdon't know if a busy or quiet market is better.
When I think about English or Spanish, the marketis just one thing to think about. There's no rightanswer. But reader have to believe they are right.If a reader say it, it sounds great. But mostpeople fail when they copy it. It's just how ithappens to work out.
That person just had luck. You shouldn't followone success out of thousands. It's just a result.Famous people on TV say it's with confidence likethat's how life should be. It's ok to use it as ahint.
But it depends on the person. I thought about theworld. Indeed for my podcast, I looked up how it'sused in America. I've always liked music that isn't for everyone or for money. I liked things thatwere away from the main road. I thought I justlooked it.
But my personality and my show are exactly indeed.It's not that I wanna be that way. I just am. Itfeels like a strange movie. It's a bit gross tome. But that's how it is.
I'm recording at night. When I'm sick or worried,I try not to think at night. Or I try not to thinkfor a week. I tried that. But then there's a blanktime. I start thinking about what I should do inthat time. So I failed.
I also today, I thought about whether I shouldlook at the screen less. I smelled something whileeating that brought back memories. It was a smellfrom middle school. I haven't smelled it for over10 years. I don't know what it was because ofthat.
I thought school lunch was great. But then Iremember almost all of it wasn't good. Brainpeople say we change our memories if that's true.Our self is just money. The feeling that I'm me isjust money. It's scary if memories are changed ifthey don't change.
I can think of myself as one thing. But if theychange that scary, I thought I could change thepast or how I see the past. That means I canchange who I am. I saw a video where a memberleaving a group said she regretted not answeringher leader.
18:08
The leader said she could trust her. But shecouldn't say anything. She looked so sad andfrustrated. I felt the same. I've talked about myregret here. And that's how I feel. I can't stopregretting things. It's not just being stuck inthe past.
Saying you can't change the past doesn't help. Ihave many things I really regret. It justhappened. Sometimes you make a mistake for noreason. And you carry it forever. Seeing herregret looked bright to me. Maybe I'm making itsound too good. It doesn't matter how I say it.
But it was strong. I felt like everyone lives withthose feelings. I don't give meaning to my talk onthe podcast. I do it without thinking there's noanswer. And I don't try to fix things. Most talksact like they have an answer. But most things don't. Often it's just an opinion. I could never dothat.
I can't think of those words. I should talk aboutmy feelings to make it a good talk. But I don'tknow. I don't like radio that talk about deep hurtthings or psychology I'm not a writer. I don'tlike to talk about my hurt movies like in a book.I was made to do that in my religion. So I feel it's for nothing.
After COVID, I feel things are just things thathappen. It feels like something is there. But it'sjust a moment. Noticing it doesn't mean much.Doctors are different. But for a normal person, itdoesn't mean much.
On the radio, people talk about their hurt. But Iwonder so what. I don't know. If I talk about myfeelings, I don't try to look at them. I just tellthe fact as they are. I want my talk to be simpleand cold. I'm recording at night. Do people alwayswanna be number one? I don't know. But I did. Ieven told the leader of the religion.
I wanted to be number one. My parents weresurprised. I wanted to be the best. But it washard to care about that. It's a basic human wannabe liked. And we live by comparing ourselves toothers. I want people to like me.
I see now that I wanted to go to the topuniversity because I wanted to win in high school.I had given up in the middle school in grade 5 and6. And I was like that too. Finding something thatonly you have, like an artist, is an easier way tolive.
21:17
I'm recording late and I've watched videos andlistened to music, so I feel bad. I don't thinkmuch about girls who look like boys in movies. Butsometimes a singer likes that looks veryattractive. It's strange. I don't know why. Ithink many people feel the same. Men and womenboth find that attractive.
I saw a YouTuber today who had a man's voice, butI looked normal. I had a daydream about what if Iwent to university and was still in the religion.Would I have dyed my hair? If I did, maybe Iwouldn't have spent money on clothes. It's just awhat if.
Also, I thought two actress sisters didn't lookalike. But in an old video they did, I wassurprised. I saw picture 2 and 2. They really lookalike. If I have a different feeling for even aminute, like being excited or worried, my stomachbreaks. I don't know why.
Excitement makes my stomach bad. It's scary. I'mused to it now. But I never know when it willhappen. I'm shocked that 6 years have passed sincethe Tokyo Olympics. Time goes so fast. The gamesfeel like they were just a moment ago.
I don't know how long I'll stay in this house, butI'm scared because of how fast time goes. Mystomach has relaxed hard today. I've thought aboutit in 10 years, but I don't know why. Maybe it'show I sleep. Even small things give me musclepain.
I thought about it all day. I thought artists justshow their own world and don't care about winningor losing. But they often have a fighting spiritagainst a power. That's how I see it. It's afeeling of fighting.
Painter and music people have it too. It's likenot wanting to lose. I used to think it was justabout wanting to show something, but maybe it'sclose to that. I thought about the show name thismorning and noticed something big.
24:06
I don't want to use labels. I don't want to saywhat the show is or who I am. You can't say it inone word and I don't want it to be wrong. If I sayI don't feel meaning, that's a label too. If I sayI don't belong anywhere, that shows my identity.
Maybe that's what my life was. If I just showedthat I'm here, it becomes Hokkaido throwing arock. My first show name was like that. I'd end upthere after worrying.
I'm surprised. For dinner two years ago, I forgotto say there was a hamburger. It had a new tastelike BBQ sauce. Yesterday's was pork and got itlike a Chinese version of miso. In my daydream, Itold my mother this one was better. I don't say it's in real life.
The pasta salad was very good yesterday. Thebalance was just right. Usually, things that areboiled don't have much taste, but I couldn'treally taste it yesterday. I knew it was good,though I can taste things, but I don't really feelyummy. I know it's good, but it doesn't have muchtaste.
This morning, mushroom was the same as yesterday,but yesterday was better. See about a good onetoday. For the same price, I had a daydream aboutasking my leader to go back to the club, so I haveto quit. I wonder what it would be like and ifeveryone would be okay with it.
I thought about being in a car with my cousin orwalking home with friend. I might have been quietand not talk much. Something funny happened.Yesterday, I was watching YouTube and my stomachwas bad and I felt sick.
I was listening to a person from the leader. Hesaid it got better and ate bread. It looked likeit had many calories. It looked right, but shesaid it wasn't. That was scary to me. Good job forthe show.
