00:04
This is a podcast where I talk commonly about lifestruggles and small family issues.
While I was eating, my dad knocked on the doorbecause he wanted to use the bathroom.
And I panicked.
I was in the middle of my meal when my dadsuddenly hanged on the door to go to the bathroomand it freaked me out.
He always said it takes him time. He said it takeshim time so I got nervous when it happened.
He said he needs a while in there. I get stressedwhenever this happens.
In moments like that, I usually go to the backroom.
When that happened, I normally move to the room inthe back.
But having my routine broken made my checking really hard.
But when my routine gets disrupted, my checkinghabit become a struggle.
After that, I didn't wanna go to the bathroomanymore and it was tough.
It made me not wanna use the bathroom. After that,it felt awful.
I was almost done eating so it felt even morefrustrating.
I was so close to finishing my meal which made itextra annoying.
I just felt like it was bad luck. I couldn't helpthinking.
03:05
What a terrible timing.
I couldn't help thinking. What a terrible timing.
Next, my parents refused to send the secondcomplaint letter to the religion group even thoughI told my mom to stand and she didn't turn on theheater that day.
What's next?
She wouldn't send the second complaint letter andeven though I told my mom to stand, she didn't usethe heater and the day after.
But then she suddenly started turning it on againand I finally understood why but she eventuallywent back to using it and I realized the reason.
She probably thought that if she stood for the fewdays, she'd be allowed to sit again.
I think she assumed that after standing for a fewdays, she'd turn on the light to the seat.
Even though I told her she could stand and stillnot wanna send the letter.
Even though I told her she could stand and stillnot wanna send the letter.
She didn't seem prepared for that.
I told her even if you stand, you still won'twanna send the letter but she didn't seem ready toface that.
Maybe she thought turning on the heater would makeher look weak.
She probably felt that using the heater would ruinthe image she was trying to show.
But then why did she start using it again but thatdoesn't explain why she suddenly went back toturning it on.
Next, I found out my YouTube views weren't growingat all and it shocked me.
I realized my YouTube views hadn't increased andit really hit me.
06:07
It happened right when I was wondering if I shouldchange my thumbnails.
It came at the next exact moment I was thinkingabout changing my thumbnails.
And I was also feeling discouraged about theGoogle podcast shutting down.
Plus I was already upset about Google podcastdisappearing.
I thought about changing the thumbnail everyepisode but decided not to.
I considered switching thumbnails each time but Igave up on that idea.
I even thought about quitting YouTube altogether.
I started thinking maybe I should stop posting onYouTube completely.
Because of my perfectionism, I wondered if Ishould quit Instagram and TikTok too.
My perfectionist side made me think maybe I shouldstop using Instagram and TikTok as well.
I worried that changing thumbnails every timewould make the files too heavy.
I was afraid that updating thumbnails each episodewould make everything too heavy to load.
I thought maybe Japanese episodes should haveJapanese cover art and English ones should haveEnglish covers.
I wondered if I should use Japanese cover art forJapanese episodes and English cover art forEnglish ones.
This morning while looking on everything, Irealized something.
When I reflected on everything this morning,something hit me.
I'm strict with myself but at some point, Istopped forcing myself in certain ways.
I'm a strict person but at some point, I stoppedpushing myself in certain ways.
I'm strict with myself but at some point, Istopped forcing myself in certain ways.
09:01
I started accepting that just being alive isenough.
I began to believe that simply existing is okay.
I started accepting that just being alive isenough.
I began to believe that simply existing is okay.
I stopped caring about society ideas of correctness.
I stopped trying to live by society's standards.
But I still follow my own internal standards verystrictly.
But I remain strict when it comes to my ownpersonal rules.
When I gave up on working, I had a similarfeeling.
When I quit trying to work, I felt somethingsimilar.
No matter what people say, what's impossible isimpossible.
No matter what anyone says, something is justimpossible for me.
I lost that strange pride I used to have.
That weird pride I once had is gone now.
I heard a story about a family similar to mine,and it made me uncomfortable.
I listened to a story about a family that resembled mine, and it left me uneasy.
I wondered if there were similar ties.
It made me think that there might be some overlap.
But I'm not brainwashed or out of my mind.
But I'm not controlled or mentally gone.
I used to think I didn't want to help anyoneanymore.
I thought I had zero desire to do anything forothers.
I thought I had zero desire to do anything forothers.
12:01
But looking back on two years of podcasting,
I realized I hoped even one person might feelsaved.
But after reflecting on two years of podcasting,
I noticed I actually wanted to help at least oneperson.
It made me wonder if I had been wrong aboutmyself.
It made me question whether my self-image wasmistaken.
Next, I thought English was the only thing worthstudying.
I used to believe English was the only subject Ishould study.
But now I'm starting to think
maybe I should study history or something else.
But lately, I've been wondering if I should studythings like history too.
But when I'm depressed,
I absolutely can't get into things I'm notinterested in.
But when I'm down,
I can't force myself to study things I don't careabout.
Learning random things would just make me someonewho collects useless knowledge.
If I study everything, I'll just become a personwho's bored of pointless facts.
The more seriously I think about it,
The more seriously I talk about my day on thepodcast,
The more I worry my parents might delete my data.
The more detailed my podcast gets,
The more I fear my parents might accidentallyerase my files.
Next, I also upload my podcast to YouTube,
But people overseas don't listen to it.
I post podcasts on YouTube too,
But it doesn't reach listeners abroad.
15:03
I don't understand the reason setting and it confuses me.
I get lost when it comes to YouTube reasonsetting.
I don't even know if podcasts can change theirreason setting.
I'm not sure if reason setting even applies topodcasts.
I happened to get a good idea right when I wasfeeling lost about the podcast.
When I was unsure about the podcast, a good ideasuddenly came to me.
I've had many ideas before but couldn't act onthem, which is frustrating.
I've come up with a lot of ideas but never managedto do them, and it bothers me.
Recently, I've been thinking about talking aboutsomething other than daily life.
Recently, I've been considering covering topicsbeyond my everyday routine.
Even though about making videos for YouTube,
I considered creating videos specifically forYouTube.
But I decided not to do anything besides podcasts.
But in the end, I chose to stick only to thepodcast.
Because if I start one thing, I'd want to doeverything.
Because once I start something, I tend to want todo all the other things too.
I also thought about changing thumbnails oradjusting YouTube settings.
I even considered tweaking thumbnails and YouTubesettings.
Next, I watched a documentary about an idol fromHokkaido.
I saw a documentary featuring an idol from Hokkaido.
I watched an impressionist video and was amazed athow accurate it was.
18:11
I saw a mimicry video and was shocked at how spoton it was.
I watched a singer collaborate with a YouTuber andperform in a department store.
I watched a singer collaborate with a YouTuber andperform in a department store.
I saw a video of a singer performing with aYouTuber at a department store.
With all those cameras, I thought it must feelamazing.
Seeing all the cameras, I thought it must feelgreat to perform there.
But I couldn't understand why some people staredat the camera the whole time.
But I couldn't understand why some people staredat the camera the whole time.
Maybe they were too embarrassed to look away,which felt like such a waste.
Maybe they were shy and couldn't look anywhereelse, which seemed like a shame.
I watched the idol group selection announcementand got excited for the first time in about 5years.
Seeing the selection announcement made me excitedfor the first time in ages like 5 years.
My prediction was pretty accurate and somethingwas really surprising.
I guessed a lot is right and some results totallyshocked me.
When I'm in a bipolar state, I lose control andcan't manage myself.
During my bipolar state swings, I can't keepmyself together at all.
21:00
Recently, a curious vision on my keeps appearing,and it feels strange.
Recently, a curious sight on my pops out often,and it feels weird and unfamiliar.
This morning, when I asked my mom for advice, shesaid unrelated things three times.
I asked my mom for advice, but she kept replyingwith things that had nothing to do with myquestion.
Three times in a row.
I asked my mom for advice, but she kept replyingwith things that had nothing to do with myquestion.
Three times in a row.
When I told her she wasn't answering my question,she said she hadn't heard me.
No way. I pointed out she wasn't responding towhat I asked, and she said she didn't hear me.
But if she didn't hear me, the conversationshouldn't have continued like that.
But if she really didn't hear me, the conversationwouldn't have flowed the way it did.
When I told her the cloth was dirty on the leftside, she pointed to the bottom and said,
Here, I said the cloth was dirty on the left, butshe pointed to the bottom and asked this point.
I told her she had the orientation wrong, but sheinsisted it was impossible.
I explained she was holding it the wrong way, butshe kept saying that that couldn't be true.
No matter how many times I explained, she neverresponded to what I actually said.
I repeated myself over and over, but she neveraddressed my actual point.
Next, I looked up whether people without money canget a treatment.
24:02
I searched again to see if people with no moneycan receive medical care.
I searched it several times before. It wasn't myfirst time looking it up.
I've checked it many times.
Next, I always think I should have said this or Ishould have talked about that on my podcast.
I constantly feel like I should have said it thisway.
Or I should have talked about that instead.
I wish I could enjoy that feeling instead ofsuffering from it.
I wish I could take that feeling lightly insteadof letting it stress me out.
I seriously wondered what I would use English forif I ever lost my voice.
I even caught myself thinking if I lost my voicesomeday, what would be the point of my English?
Where I try to change myself and then stop.
After some time, I suddenly remember it and becomeobsessed again.
I quit trying to change, but after a while, Iremember it out of nowhere and get fixated again.
Then I started thinking maybe there was somethingmore I could do with the podcast.
Today, I caught myself wondering if there wassomething else I could do for the podcast.
I'm not interested in many things.
But during bipolar swing, I suddenly want to knoweverything.
I usually don't care about many topics, but when I'm manic, I want to learn everything at once.
My head gets chaotic and I don't understand what Iam anymore.
27:07
My mind gets messy and I start losing track of whoI am.
I am being confused about something related topodcast distribution and ended up researching toomuch.
I got stuck on the podcast distribution issue andwent down the research rabbit hole.
My personality is strange. Having too little ispainful, but having too much is also a problem.
Having too little is painful, but having too muchis also a problem.
My personality is strange. Having too little ispainful, but having too much is also a problem.
In idol groups, even popular members sometimesaren't selected because there are too many goodones.
In idol groups, even strong members get left outwhen the group has too many talented people.
Being on the lacking side must be painful.
It must be tough to be the one who's considerednot enough.
I imagined a host being harsh to one member, butalso being kind to them.
I pictured a host treating one member strictly butgently at the same time.
I wasted time imagining how I would act in thatsituation.
I spent time imagining what I would do if I werein their place.
I've been listening to podcasts about the dark weband freak shows lately.
I rarely feel curiosity, and I'm only interestedin things with zero occult elements.
30:23
When I think of movie theater, I think of popcorn.
I wondered why the portions are so big and lookedit up.
I was curious why the popcorn was so big.
So I researched it.
As expected, it's for the feeling of satisfaction.
Just I thought it's to make people feel moresatisfied.
I wanna talk about my school days.
I feel like sharing something about my schoolyears.
Many people lose confidence after entering a eliteschool.
A lot of students lose their self-confidence oncethey get into top school.
I actually wanted that environment.
I personally wanted to be in that kind of school.
I would have been better if I had lost confidence.
I might have been better off losing my confidence.
But I struggled with study method.
But I had trouble figuring out how to study.
Even though I wasn't studying, I got first placeon mock exam.
Even without studying, I ranked first on apractice test.
I had to write something like an essay about it.
And I wrote that I was frustrated.
They made me write an essay about it.
And I wrote that it made me upset.
33:03
It was because I didn't have the hunger or drive.
It was because I lacked the hunger to push myself.
Some people plan everything thoroughly and othersdon't plan at all.
Some people make super detailed plans while othersdon't plan anything.
I'm neither of those types.
I fall somewhere in the middle.
My podcast is also somewhere in between.
My podcast style is also neither extreme.
Just in the middle.
Maybe because I understand people's feelings toowell, I start worrying.
I start worrying that I might give the wrongimpression.
I think I read people too deeply.
So I worry that what I say might be misunderstood.
Most people don't notice things like that.
Maybe that's why their mental state is better.
Most people don't overthink like that.
Maybe that's why they stay mentally healthier.
Next, I watched two figure skaters who won goldmedals.
Their emotions exploded after their performance.
I saw two gold medal figure skaters and howemotional they were after skating.
I thought of course they must wanna get marriedafter this.
I couldn't help thinking they must wanna marryeach other after this.
And just as I expected, they had a greatatmosphere afterward.
And like I predicted, their chemistry after theperformance was amazing.
I've seen people confess after winning medals.
36:06
I've seen people confess after winning medals.
I've seen athletes confess their feelings aftergetting a medal.
Spending that much time together and having suchgood chemistry,
yet not being interested in each other must bepainful.
Being that close and that comfortable,
yet not developing feelings must be tough.
But when I looked it up, they apparently aren'tdating,
which surprised me.
I checked online and found out they are nottogether,
which shocked me.
My relative does dance,
so figure skating sometimes feels less real to me.
Since my relative does dance,
figure skating sometimes feels a bit artificial tome.
Next corner is Hikimechi.
I had chili shrimp.
Do you know chili shrimp?
It's Chinese food.
Chili shrimp flavored chicken.
It's similar to chili shrimp.
It was good taste.
This sauce was good taste.
It's amazing.
Thank you for listening.
Please follow my Instagram.
See you again.
