00:48
King of the Room. Crown is my Headphones.
Ruler of quiet time zones.
Not that cool, not mainstream.
Galaxy starts in my small bedroom.
Hikikomori for over 15 years wasted zero timeoutside.
Raised in a dysfunctional home,
Estranged from family and friends.
Living with autism spectrum trait.
Never fitting to fame.
Even after 20 years in religion.
It's never become a home.
Misunderstood. Distanced.
Quietly pushed out.
I stood outside the circle of salvation.
And I grew tired of carrying the illusion of life's meaning.
The effort to keep living was what exhausted me.
First, this morning was really, really bad.
I was talking about a restaurant.
The order of the story might get mixed up.
I asked, is that place supervised by Chef Mikuni?
And she said, no, it's not.
But as I kept listening, it sounded like
It was supervised by Chef Mikuni.
Or something like that.
03:00
If it's that unclear, why didn't it so strongly atfirst?
I mean, I guess it's not exactly like that.
But she said, clearly, it wasn't.
And I didn't understand her explanation.
But when she said, you could notice that.
She said, yeah, that's Chef Mikuni, right.
She said, it was Chef Mikuni, so what does thateven mean?
She said, the chef who used to supervise the place
Was moving to Hokkaido as a manager.
That's where it gets confusing.
Then I asked, so is the person who trained inFrance
Taking over the restaurant?
And she said, no.
Then I asked,
So if it's that Shimaya something restaurant,
It's a French trained person taking over that one?
And she said, no again.
So where does this French trained main charactereven show up?
Later, I finally understood that Shimaya somethingrestaurant
Wasn't supervised by Chef Mikuni at first.
Even though, she said, earlier that he supervisedit.
She clearly said, he supervised it before.
And she said, he's moving here.
But that makes no sense.
If Chef Mikuni is going to bring his own flavorand style,
That's what she explained at first.
But she said, he would be working at that person'srestaurant.
06:08
There's no way.
He would throw away everything.
He's down and take over someone else's flavor.
Impossible.
So in the end, he wasn't supervising anything.
The French trained person is taking over therestaurant.
And Chef Mikuni is basically just an owner
Who put in money.
That makes sense.
So why did she say, he was coming to work?
So why did she say, he was coming to work andsupervising?
It was just about money.
Like a company think, we will run it.
Like a chain.
Not exactly a chain, but something like that.
So he's not supervising.
Not managing.
Managing, just funding it.
What was that whole story?
And in the middle of explaining,
She suddenly gave up and said,
Fine, I'll read it from the start.
Then why didn't she read it from the start?
Next topic.
I noticed something about my podcast recording.
The structure changed, so something becamepossible.
But I hadn't noticed it.
But with this change,
I noticed something about my podcast recording.
The structure changed, so something becamepossible.
But I hadn't noticed it.
But with this change,
I can't upload the English version anymore.
And I realized,
I've been failing at the English upload this wholetime again.
But there were other changes too.
So maybe it was good timing.
A turning point.
But still, I wanna upload in English some more.
09:04
People can listen, but it's affecting the Japaneseversion too.
I think I'll switch to Japanese only.
And the timing is bad,
because I just decided the new show title.
Also recently,
my parent put the podcast data into my phone andbring it back after charging.
Today, she asked,
after I put the data in,
should I bring it to you?
The explanation made no sense.
Of course she should bring it after putting it in.
What else would she do?
I didn't know what she was asking.
Then I realized.
She meant,
should I bring it right away?
Not after some time.
That was what she wanted to ask.
But she phrased it as,
should I bring it after putting it in?
That was terrible.
Next topic.
Even though I said I'd quit English,
this afternoon,
I got hopeful again and wanted to start.
I'm scared,
but I don't wanna go back again.
I deleted all my notes.
I regret that.
Next is a philosophical topic.
Like I said before,
people who follow religion know there's no God.
But still,
seek something.
That's the right attitude.
That's the right attitude,
not blind belief.
And even people who don't follow religion knowthere's no meaning in the world.
But still trying to find something that can befound.
I think that's good.
Before I said,
12:01
humans need some meanings before startingsomething.
That's true.
But what I mean,
now is different.
I think meaning doesn't exist.
But even so,
trying to find meaning is a healthy way to live.
But for me,
I know there's no meaning.
And I don't pretend there is.
But living without pretending meaning exists is astrong way to live.
And still searching for something that can befound.
That's cool.
Next,an idol explained their music video.
And I realized,
I have zero artistic talent.
I can't feel interested in things I don't careabout.
I had no interest in the MV,
music video.
I have no artistic sense.
Drama,movies,literature,and bad art,
all of them,
literature might help my podcast.
But I can't read it.
I can't remember characters.
I hate complicated things.
I hate this grotesque description.
And I have zero interest in fiction.
I have zero interest in fiction.
I don't see the point of reading it.
It's entertainment.
So if I'm thinking about meaning,
I shouldn't read it.
But it's frustrating because
Aozora Bunko is free.
When I watch idols,
I wonder what their brothers are like at home.
And if they were sisters,
would they get jealous?
I think about that.
There are two idols who are both in art school.
And one is very beautiful and popular.
15:03
Idols,they must get a lot of jealousy.
I answered a philosophy questionnaire.
And the results were terrible.
Does life have inherent meaning?
Or is meaning created later?
I said life has no meaning.
If life has no meaning,
do you still have a reason to live?
I said no.
Is truth discovered or created?
I said it's an illusion.
Does morality change depending on the situation?
Yes.
Can you respect what you don't understand?
Neither yes nor no.
Is freedom choosing or accepting?
Just a concept.
Does suffering have meaning?
No.
If the world feels irrational,
do you get angry?
Give up or observe?
I said observe.
Do you trust hope?
No.
When society and you are in conflict,
which do you follow?
No.
Myself,
do feelings follow logic?
No.
Does belief come after action?
Yes.
Do you imagine anything after death?
No.
Is beauty in the object or the viewer?
The viewer,they said I'm a quiet nihilist running.
Toward after death and expected season,
I watched idols again.
One idol's uncle looked like an actor in an oldphoto.
She said her mom told her,
her,
your uncle was really cool.
Sorry.
My uncle looked like an actor in an old photo.
She said,
I said,
my mom,
I said,
18:00
I said,
your uncle was really cool.
Next,
I was thinking about my own trait.
I don't think I have a strong ego.
Maybe I do,
but I had very different experience from others.
Becoming a Hokkaido,
having a harsh life,
having a developmental trait,
quitting a religion after 20 years,
that's all part of me.
I'm realistic and have philosophical ideas.
Studying English is just useless knowledge.
It's not a trait.
If someone wins 200 million yen in the lottery,
it's not something to be proud of,
but they can still accept it gratefully.
Same with idols who join Nogizaka because of luck.
I support them because something rare happenedbefore I only valued things,
and through effort before I only valued things.
And through effort,
philosophers argued about meaning,
God and nihilism,
but in the end,
humans are animals.
Instinct drives us.
People live because they are afraid of death.
That's the basic reason.
So even in nihilism,
people still live and fight.
That's impression,
but also just logic.
Not meaningless.
Next corner is Hikimeshiku today.
I don't know what's that thing.
Pork and Hakusai.
Maybe it's Japanese food.
Thank you for listening.
Please browse this program again.