00:03
From now on, KURAKI-SAN's radio recording willbegin.
It's morning right now. I've been thinking aboutthe cover art really. And I've heard other newrealisation work. The concept and purpose doesn'texist in it. That's why I couldn't find one.
Not finding doesn't hold either. Because it'simplied I looked since a long time I've readreligion. I haven't searched purpose, not anynarrow sense, not broader sense of the lifepurpose either.
03:03
So did I fail to stop? That reason carries a senseof continuation. But it's not continuation. It'ssequence. So no meaning required. No reasonrequired.
But it still leaves a premise that stopping withpossibility which creates a story. Maybe I wouldhave stopped. Maybe I would have option appear,narrative forms, any phrasing like that end up.
Casting a shadow of story, it's hard to say what Iactually am. While I was working through that, theshow name became a problem. The word void inAmerica, it purely just means empty. Most peopledon't associate it with nihilism. It's not thesame as nihilism or emptiness.
In a simple sense, I was thinking about how tomake it grand. The core art that showed it. It'snot that there's no meaning. It's that meaning andthe fact that I'm still learning these two thingsare simply unrelated.
The reason I'm considering void is that nihildoesn't fit. And this isn't philosophy going out.My way to void was to read directly as nihilism orexistential. I had no choice but to learnsomething like void.
Something that won't be read as philosophy. Butthinking about it again, that word conveys nothingat all to someone without the context of meaningor narrative as a premise.
It's an environment where meaning and narrativearen't assumed, which means I'm not finding theidea that there's no meaning. I'm not looking forit either in that case. It's not wrong.
I'm not running to rescue or performing a hope orreading despair as a narrative. I just don't wantto fix meaning.
So after thinking about the show name for aboutfour months, my contents had no conclusion, nointerpretation. And I care about that. Rather, itjust turned out that way. It never ends. It doesn't become life with meaning. It doesn't end and itcan't be classified.
06:11
It redistributes genres. That's what I've beenthinking. I'm not trying to say I can be novel ina simple sense. Having an attribute is actuallyeasier. For example, having a name being categorized makes comparison easier.
It makes individuality and selfhood more legible.Knowing roughly what helps, but I don't belonganywhere. In that sense, not fixing meaning wasthe right idea, but practice is communicatingnothing beyond that.
Next, something I noticed while doing things. Emotions are better ignored than they are when I'mtired and push through anyway. That usually worksout fine. Emotions are temporary. When emotionsare good, it can feel like things are going well.
But that's just the emotional state. It's notconnected to the actual situation, even physicalcondition. Emotions don't reflect that easily.
Lately, when I feel a bit better emotionally, Ithink maybe my body is alright. Then I get sick.Every time I feel slightly better than usualemotionally, I end up with a stomachacheafterwards.
Emotions make you think things might keep goingwell, but they are top of the line. Emotions arewhat humans generate and build. There are storiesthat are frighteningly emotion-derived.
Stories that come out of them are just that.Stories are not reality. I've been saying I don'tbuild narrative. I actually do a lot of imagining.It supports me in some ways.
And it's because suffering others in that waysends them modifying traumatic memories, rewritingthem. That is building a narrative.
09:00
I'm already changing the past, but one thing I'mabsolutely hold to is no false hope. Hope isdangerous because for me, imagining runs awayeasily. In the past, I imagined going to medicalschool.
It's full of hope that I wouldn't make a generaldisappearance because it was only ever a storythat helped. They all say to visualize a successpicture yourself and things go well. For me, that's absolutely the worst thing I can do.
Maybe I'm refusing to label past struggles asgrowth, but apart from that, the reason I don'tturn imagination into narrative. I don't narrativeit except for past trauma.
Everything else I just observe alike. Watching adream means the boundary between a dream andreality, but when imagination and reality issomething humans contract for me, that boundary isalready there.
People say dreams organize memory. Imagination andnarrative building might actually be opposite.Imagination might be the maintenance work thatprevents narrative from forming a structuredfunction.
What I said earlier might be another clue. Notconcluding, not learning, but put differently,that fluid, like a lever or like a string that'snot put in tight, I don't decide to be that way.
I just noticed that at some point, that's how Ibecome. In order to stay intact, the monk justhappened to arrive there. A neutral state,imagination might be the act of holding orreceiving a stored input in a fluid state.
The fact that trauma keeps surfacing, that's aproblem. Narrative's causation, meaning purpose,conclusion, and emotion are things leapingforward.
It's an explanation that fills a gap. Imagination's image is sensation. Sound phases fragment likea dream, state, and scene. No meaning, no causation, pure generation.
12:02
But for most people, imagination doesn't just stayas an image, meaning gets attached, emotion getslost, and it becomes a story.
I've seen this connect to developmental differencewhere memory exists but emotion doesn't. Attachedto, there's no distance between the memory and theself.
That's why memory from 10 years ago feel recent,though I still feel anger when I think back ontrauma. It's not dry, let alone the emotion fromthat time.
It's more like I watch the footage and observe mycurrent emotions alongside it.
Building a narrative means taking a large numberof fragments from imagination, past events, andassignment, meaning compressing data, andimagination just surfacing.
Most people take imagination as assign, meaningload emotion, and story appears, so narrative'sbasically crushing imagination, less imaginationgets through.
That's why very interesting to me. I wonder whatthe inside of other people's head is like, thoughI think mine must be pretty different.
What I've been talking about is the same as adream. A dream is just being asleep. Consciousnessisn't active, it's just watching a film. Consciousness is the post-hoc reason attached to behavior.
It's an observed dream, there's an observed thingimagined even without consciousness. And I justnoticed a contradiction in that dream.
In that dream, the state of external input is cutoff, and the brain is generally internal, butimagination is also internal, and generation isdifferent, it's just controllable.
And is that matter? Well, I don't think my reasonis vague, but the abridged control of imaginationseems to be missing.
I think when trauma surfaces, it changes andspreads like a dream, the function that says thisis reality drops when that happens, so I can'talways tell if something's a dream or real.
15:01
Normally, nobody watches their dream thinking thisis a dream, they just experience it as it comes,emotions move, and then they realize that it's nodifferent from reality.
As I said, the brain says the difference is justinternal perception vs. internal generation.Either way, I don't think the way I think is justdifferent, back to imagination specifically.
Say an image surfaces, making a mistake at work,building up narrative training means I might getin trouble, evaluation might drop for me.
But I don't care what state a character is in, I'mengaged in imagining itself, there's only a livinginside it, which is probably why the footage doesn't get compressed, why it keeps going.
Why the anger of past trauma replays, so theremight be two types, people who don't generateemotion and people who just don't generatemeaning.
Next, with music my resolution's a bit higher, Ican listen to lyrics I don't understand at all andstill enjoy the sound and runs enough, but withstate's drawing melds, there's no anchor where I'mtrying to anchor it,
but I keep wondering if I'm having a gesturalcollapse moment, the question am I actuallytasting this right now, surface which is strange.
Next, finishing hard thing, first, getting gooddoesn't change anything, other hard things justtake longer in the end, right now I'm just wastingtoo much time on a cover art,
the time I'm putting in it is giving me somebreathing room elsewhere, but fighting is alreadyserved no purpose, it's not like there's notsomething, specifically waiting on the other side.
Next, yesterday I was imagining being in situationof the religious community, everyone used to talkto me there, I didn't wanna be close witheveryone, I was imagining telling them that, but Icouldn't be a loner either,
18:02
not because I lacked the nerve, but cause I didn'twanna play that role, and I don't wanna think it'ssomeone else's fault that I'm like this, I don'twanna think cause that person I ended up this way,
normally if someone does something to you, youwanna do the same to someone weaker, but thethings I did as club captain, I regret that theEnglish teacher, I still wanna sue them, I thinkthe reason I ended up stuck at home, but I alsodid bad things as captain, so I can't talk,
being told that we all hurt and get hurt, thatdoesn't save me, and I don't feel guilty, but Ithink this trouble is more than I did, same thingthat the English teacher did to me, but I don'tcall it even,
the elementary school teacher was the same, alsoawful, so the thought about wanting to takeaction, so I try not to hold on to them,remembering past trauma and then adding new badmemories on top of it, that's just creating morestories, rewriting the past,
but lately watching videos has been less painfulthan before, previously I'd think is there anypoint to watching this, should I skip ahead,probably cause I stopped fast forwarding,
obviously fast forwarding is more efficient, but I'd vaguely suspect this, while the trick tokeeping watching videos is not to create theoption of watching or not watching, no exception,
most people would need to work this out just tokeep watching something, but with that, Igenuinely can't continue, meaning it's hard tofeel, so if I don't put in an effort, nothingcontinues,
but lately I've had no appetite, that hasn'treally happened before, I used to be too focusedduring meal to even register that I might not behungry, so it never came up, even now,
maybe there are times when I didn't have muchappetite, but I didn't register it, whether youconsciously recognize, I have no appetite shiftfor me, when I'm focused during meal, the questionof appetite never surfaced,
21:17
I'd like the things people say, but throwingthemselves in a work to forget act, that was mydefault state, and suffering, but now not makingexception, always staying focused, that's whatworked,
next, criticizing something just cause I dislikeit, I think what of, whether I like something hasnothing to do with whether it's good or bad,someone pretty standard, and there'd probably be alot of overlap between personal state and generalopinion,
but letting dislike become rejection, that's goingtoo emotional, so I'm careful, but when I talkabout here, I'm just being emotional, but if I'mtoo careful about that, I can't say anything, puteverything reduced, so I'm just praised, biased, Ican't speak alone, it's hard,
you can see it clearly, when someone's just venting, people who only wanna reject something itshould, so maybe it doesn't even matter that I'mcareful what I do, that's only myself, criticizingcause I dislike something and I don't like thatalready,
that's what I'm, when calling at strange kind,pride rarely, maybe I'm too objective aboutmyself, there're parts I think aren't good, notthat I lack self-confidence, but emotional runaway, how does someone not notice when they'redoing it, thinking about just go off the rails,
next, imagination, a girl I always talk about fromthe hospital high school stage was admitted forsome reason impossible scenario but imaginedvarious things, so I'm living normally,
I'm the one admitted virgin doesn't exist, wasadmitted somehow feeling in years of gap, regret,a strange imagination, but strongly in my life sofar, that's never been a moment where somethingjust ended up with nothing left unresolved,
though I don't, narrative it's completely angry,don't decide, that must have mean this, don't tidyit up, nah, story, I hate meaning, I used to thinkwhy did this happen, once or twice in my life, Ifelt like something came full circle during covidbeing stuck home,
24:19
I thought this was actually the right way to be,but then it just disappeared at that first end,then nothing it's ever been, find to just treat itlike other countries did, but nobody seem to blameit as a historic human failure, a massive gamblethat went wrong, they just moved on, I don'tunderstand how,
what's different before covid and after nobodyvaccinate there's no treatment, and yet things runnormally, who it's fine to go back to normal, tonormal should be fine all along, if it was aproblem then it's a problem now, but peopleexplain it's way,
things is alright, nothing scientifically solidclaims about the virus awakening our human'sdevelopmental immunity, no, I will read a reallist, I'm not convinced, next if I increaseenjoyable time, I can get necessary things done,
when the enjoyable time decreased, doesn't thatbecome painful, thinking like this is why nothingstick, but occasionally there are things I can'thelp doing, and things I research are so driven bypure curiosity,
and that's the question, is there any point tothis, never even surface if, even a small part ofme question whether something's worth doing, itwon't continue for another person, that kind ofquestion probably doesn't come up for things theyenjoy, but for me, the more I enjoy something, themore I think what's the point of this,
isn't that too sad, feeling that enjoyingsomething now means suffering later, if it's thisgood for now, it can't keep being this good, likeice cream, the first bite's good, but by thesecond bite there's almost no taste left,
most people treat the whole thing as delicious,they imagine eating the same ice cream a year fromnow, 10 years from now, they don't think about howpainful it'll be when they get sick and can't eatit anymore,
27:10
so most people stay intact, they keep runningnormally, but when disaster or illness or accidenthits, and drama starts, my life is over, andpeople watching are all saying how awful, howterrible, a lot of dramatic build-up, it getstreated like an exotic event,
and watching people build this story, that's why Ikeep talking about how pathetic story building is,just because disaster was always part of thepromise it should be,
and the fact is, from the start, when a coin hits,you don't collapse when it comes up, you don'tsay, how could this happen, you just go, well,that's painful, but that's how it goes,
and next, seeking stability, keeping the sameroutine, continuing, that was painful, and myschool days, I'm not sure why I got fairly stable,got things stable, and then there were strangefears about letting the good times settle,
I shouldn't stabilize this enjoyable time, some ofit was religion calling things stagnation, butthat was almost none of it, more than that, astrange fear hit, some call it phobia, I rememberthinking about them, this is strange,
when things are going well, when things seem fine,there's this feeling of it getting scarier, acommon enough thing, probably the more things goright, the more afraid you get that it'll fallapart, something like that, but for me, it wasparticularly strong, I don't make it a problem.
but then, we're animals, we don't wanna break theworking state, any action that could disturb isvery dangerous, things to protect startmultiplying, I was thinking about what it'd belike for family right now,
you have several kids, your attention disappears,which probably helps, but if someone marries anincredibly attractive person, a famous actor, I'dwonder if that's painful, not wanting to lose thathappiness,
30:15
can't get sick, can't have an accident, evendriving feels dangerous, in my case, that's afeeling of not knowing what tomorrow brings, notin a way that leads to at least today's good, I'dnever reach that,
there were times in my life when a single day feltvery long, when I registered with a Swiss-assisteddying organization, a month felt long, lookingback later, that year was completely different,
few flew by at that time, every day I felt likesomething could go wrong, when it's not like that,a year passed in an instant, but in my routine,there's less about predicting something, more justsomething I keep doing gladly,
that's because emotion isn't the engine,motivation, where motivation isn't even a rightword, it doesn't exist, there's one thing I canname as a driver, this is what I've been doing,that's it,
that's it, but then, this brain, or stabilityfeels frightening, what does that mean, what'sgoing on there, now, I'm just doing things,gladly, not driven by fear, simply put, before,stability was a structure that could break,
now that there's nothing that can break, so it'sgood, natural, nothing to lose, I haven't quitereached that state of mind, but back then, keepingthe same routine, feeling frightening, I think itwas good, I knew it would break at some point,
now I just take it already at that time, notknowing that there's a path forward, and I'mpretty certain there's no path ahead, knowingthat, and still being alive, I have to keep goingwithin, that's probably why I can just do what Ialways do,
processing today's operations while holding thepremise of whether there's a future or not,normally saying no path would mean disappearing,but it's different, preciously, because there's nopath, the strange fear doesn't come up, it's notthat I only have six months or a year left,
33:08
but I don't have to think about things being withthe future that I can focus on today, and that'swhy it's kind of strange, the surface fear isprobably more a human thing, in my case, there'sno room to even sit with fear that there's nopath.