00:00
Support comes from WISE, the smart way to sendmoney around the world.
Your life is global. Your money should be too.Some providers promise no fees on overseas
transfers, but extra costs often hide in bloatedexchange rates. Choose WISE.
You can send money overseas for education or spendin over 40 currencies while traveling.
Get the exchange rate that you'd usually see onGoogle. Plus, count on 24-7 customer support.
Be smart. Get WISE. Visit WISE.com. T's and C'sapply.
I once hid in a bathroom for 8 minutes. At aparty?
At a wedding. Trapped in a conversation aboutinsurance. 25 minutes of insurance.
And you could not get out. So I said I needed thebathroom.
And I stayed in there. Doing what?
Looking at my own face. Waiting. And then?
And then I came out. And he was standing by thedoor.
No. He said where were we?
Here's my question. Why did you not simply say youwere going?
Because I did not know how. And you are fluent.
I am fluent and I hid in a bathroom.
Welcome to Your English Toolbox, the podcast thattrains your English while you live your real life.
I am Martin. And I am Julia.
This is the fourth conversation in our seriesabout small talk in English.
We have started a conversation. We have kept itgoing. We have made it real.
And today, the four things that actually happen ina real conversation.
The four things nobody teaches you. You do notunderstand something.
The room is too loud. There is a group of fourpeople already talking.
And at some point, you have to leave. Let us startwith the big one.
The one that stops people for years. You did notunderstand.
You did not understand. And now there is a silenceand the other person is looking at you.
And what do most people do? They nod.
They nod. And they smile and they say,
yeah, and they hope the conversation moves on. Andhere is the thing about nodding.
It works once. And then they ask you a question
about the thing you did not understand. And nowyou are two sentences deep into
a conversation you are not in. So let us fix itproperly because there is a scale.
Give me the scale. At the top, the shortest one.
Sorry. One word and it is not rude at all.
It is not rude and this matters because many ofour listeners were taught to say what?
03:03
And what sounds abrupt? Sorry sounds like aquestion.
What sounds like an accusation? Next level.
Sorry, I did not catch that. To catch something.
If you did not catch it, the sound did not reachyou properly.
It is not a confession that your English failed.That is a beautiful distinction.
It is the most useful word in this episode. Andthe next level.
This is the one I want you to actually use. Bespecific about what you missed.
Not I do not understand. When you can,
be specific rather than saying I do notunderstand.
Because that gives the other person more to workwith.
They do not know what to repeat so they repeateverything. Usually louder.
Which does not help. Which never helps.
Instead, I did not catch the name. I did not getthe last bit.
Sorry, which day did you say? You are telling themexactly what to fix.
And the whole thing takes one second instead of30.
And the full version. When you really need it.
Would you mind saying that again? A bit slower.
And one thing about permission.
Asking somebody to repeat does not make you lookbad at English. It makes you look interested.
It says what you are saying matters enough that Iwant to get it right.
And the people who nod?
They are communicating something too.
They may be signaling I am lost even when they donot mean to.
Right. Second thing. The room.
Oh, the room. A bar. A party.
A canteen at lunchtime. A building site. A bus.
And you understand nothing. And you decide yourEnglish has gone backwards overnight.
It has not gone backwards. It is physics. Say moreabout that.
Native speakers do not hear well in a loud bareither.
Nobody does. The sound is simply not there.
So why do they manage? Because they are guessingbetter.
They know the words that are probably coming, sotheir brain fills the gaps.
And we have fewer words to guess with.
It is not your ears. You just have a smallerguessing library and that grows.
So what do we do tonight in the actual bar?
Three things. Move.
Get your back to a wall or stand at the edge ofthe room.
The middle of a room is the worst place in it.
Second, confirm what you did get. So you aresaying the train was cancelled?
06:01
Which keeps you in the conversation while youcheck.
And third, the kind one. Blame the room.
It is so loud in here. Say that again. And now itis the room's fault, not yours.
And the room really is at fault.
And accept something.
What?
You do not need 100%.
70% is a conversation. 90% is a very good nightout.
100% is an exam and you are not in one.
Third thing. The group.
Four people standing in a circle already laughingat something.
And you are holding a drink two meters away.
And you are waiting for a gap.
And the gap never comes.
Groups often have only very short gaps. That iswhat makes them groups.
So what do you do?
Two parts and the first is your feet.
My feet?
Do not stand behind somebody.
Stand at the edge of the circle where somebody cansee you without turning their whole body.
Because a circle with a person behind it willclose.
A circle with a person at the edge will open.
And the second part.
You speak before the gap.
Sorry to jump in. Did you say you were fromKrakow?
To jump in.
To join a conversation that has already started.
And the rude version is to butt in.
Over the top of somebody.
And here is the trick that makes jumping in safe.
Ask about something you just heard.
Because now you are not interrupting.
You are listening out loud.
Now, the generous version.
The thing nobody teaches.
And the most powerful thing in this episode.
Let somebody else in.
Yes.
You are in the group now.
And there is somebody standing just outside itholding a drink.
Waiting for a gap that is not coming.
And you remember exactly how that feels.
Because it was you nine minutes ago.
So you turn slightly and you make room and yousay.
Have you two met?
09:01
And you do not need to know anything about them.
You can literally find out their name two secondsbefore you say it.
And if you do this, you become the personeverybody wants at a party.
Not the funniest.
Not the best English in the room.
The person who makes room.
And the fourth thing.
Leaving.
Which we have covered before on this show soquickly.
As a reminder.
A good exit has three parts and most people onlyuse one.
Give me the three.
One point at the door.
I should get going.
Two.
Say the encounter was worth it.
It was really good to meet you.
Three.
Name the future.
See you next week.
And if you only use part one.
It sounds like escape.
Because it is escape.
And if you only use part two.
You do not move.
Then you are still in the insurance conversation.
Do not say that word again.
And one variant.
Which is the kindest sentence in the Englishlanguage.
Which one?
I should let you go.
You give them the exit.
You hand it to them.
And nobody has ever been offended by beingreleased.
So one.
Two scenes and both in the same month.
The welcome party for his course first.
Did he survive?
He used all four.
He asked a girl to repeat something twice.
He blamed a speaker that was too loud.
And he jumped into a group by asking about a filmhe had heard them mention.
And the exit?
Three parts.
And he says he could hear himself doing it.
Like a man following a recipe.
But that is not the part you want to tell me.
No.
Near the end of the night he was in a group.
And there was a man standing just outside it.
Holding a drink.
Waiting.
Oh.
And Juan asked him his name.
And then turned to the group and said.
Have you met Andre?
He had known him for four seconds.
Four seconds.
And Andre is now the person he studies with onTuesdays.
And the second scene?
The second scene is the job.
He got the job?
He got the job.
A cafe near the station.
Weekends and two evenings.
Tell me about the interview.
Halfway through the manager asked him somethingabout availability.
The coffee machine was going and he did not catchthe end of it.
And he nodded.
He did not nod.
He said sorry I did not catch the last bit.
And?
And he got the job.
Because of his English?
12:00
Not because of his English.
Weeks later the manager told him why.
Why?
She said half the people I interview nod when theyhave not understood me.
And in a cafe.
And in a cafe.
Somebody who nods instead of asking can get anorder wrong.
Right.
Three sentences.
Listen and repeat in the pause.
Sentence one.
The specific repair.
Sorry I did not catch the last bit.
Would you mind saying it again?
Sentence two.
Joining a group.
Sorry to jump in.
Did you say you were from Krakow?
And sentence three.
The generous one.
Have you two met?
This is Andre.
All three again.
Sorry I did not catch the last bit.
Would you mind saying it again?
Sorry to jump in.
Did you say you were from Krakow?
Have you two met?
This is Andre.
Notice that none of the three are apologies foryour English.
Not one.
Sorry to jump in is manners, not shame.
And our sentence of the day.
Ready?
You do not need to understand every word.
You need to stay in the room.
You do not need to understand every word.
You need to stay in the room.
One more time with us.
You do not need to understand every word.
You need to stay in the room.
So here is your task this week.
One repair.
When you do not catch something, do not nod.
Say what you missed specifically.
The name.
The last bit.
Which day?
And if you manage a second thing, make room forsomebody.
Four words.
Have you two met?
Next time, something different.
Something we have been building towards for fourepisodes.
For four conversations, we have been telling youabout somebody.
Juan from Barcelona in Wolverhampton.
The bus stop in the rain.
The 14 questions.
The three days ill in bed.
Next time he is here.
And he tells it himself.
Everything from today, the transcript, thevocabulary, and the three sentences
is waiting for you at yourenglishtoolbox.com.
With translations, flashcards, and downloadablePDFs completely free.
15:05
Thank you for spending this time with us.
And this week, do not nod.
See you in the next one.