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Have you ever come home, seen someone's quiet faceand instantly decided you knew
exactly what they were thinking? Or workedyourself into complete exhaustion,
trying to prove to yourself that you were tryinghard enough?
Today, we are opening an old, deceptively simplebook that quietly rewires how you communicate
and how hard you push yourself. Welcome to YourEnglish Toolbox,
where we train your ears step-by-step. I amMartin.
And I am Julia. Friends, we are so happy you arehere today.
Before we begin, remember this episode has a homeonline.
Yourenglishtoolbox.com.
The interactive transcript of this episode,translations in Farsi, Spanish, German,
and French. Vocabulary cards, flashcards, games,and downloadable PDFs.
All completely free. Today's episode comes from areal book,
one that has sold more than 10 million copiesworldwide.
It is called The Four Agreements, written by theMexican author and healer, Don Miguel Ruiz.
Martin, this is the one that finally explained whyI kept getting into
arguments with my sister over absolutely nothing.
I know that feeling. My partner, Claire, used togo quiet for one evening,
and by bedtime, I had built an entire theory aboutwhat I had done wrong.
And you were always wrong. Always, every singletime.
That is exactly where we are taking you today,friends.
By the end of this episode, you will have two moreof Ruiz's agreements.
One that ends most unnecessary arguments beforethey even start,
and one that finally lets you stop punishingyourself for not being perfect.
Plus eight brand new English expressions, so youcan talk about both with real confidence.
Let's begin.
Ruiz calls this one the third agreement. Don'tmake assumptions.
And friends, once you see this pattern, you cannotunsee it.
Here is the mechanism.
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We have a habit of trying to predict reality.
When we don't know something, we fill in the blankourselves.
And then quietly, we start believing our own guessis a fact.
We read someone's face, their silence, their tone,
and we decide we know exactly what is going oninside their head.
Ruiz has a simple, brutal line about this.
Go on.
He says most of the suffering people create forthemselves
comes from assuming they know what someone else isthinking, wanting, or feeling.
And most of the time, we are simply wrong.
Here is how the drama actually builds, step bystep.
Tell them, Julia.
Step one, you make an assumption.
Step two, you react to the assumption, not toreality.
Step three, the other person reacts to yourstrange new behavior,
confused, because nothing has actually happenedyet.
Step four, you use their confused reaction asproof that your original assumption was correct.
And step five, a full conflict has now erupted,
entirely out of a story your own mind invented.
That is exactly what happened to me, actually,with Claire.
Tell them.
A few months ago, I came home from a long day, andClaire was completely silent at dinner.
Barely said ten words.
Old me would have spent the whole night in myhead.
She's angry. I must have forgotten something.
Did I say something wrong on the phone thismorning?
You actually did do that once.
I did, for an entire evening, over nothing.
But this time, I remembered the third agreement.
So instead of spiraling, I just asked her.
Radical, I know.
I said, you've been quiet tonight. Is everythingokay?
And?
And it turned out she had a brutal call with herboss that afternoon,
and it had absolutely nothing to do with me.
Nothing at all.
Ruiz says the antidote to almost all of this isembarrassingly simple.
Ask.
Have the courage to ask the question, instead ofwriting the whole story yourself.
And have the courage to say what you need to,instead of assuming people can read your mind.
Because, friends, nobody can read your mind.
Not your partner, not your boss, not your bestfriend.
If you don't ask, you don't get the truth.
And if you don't say it, they will never know.
06:00
Support comes from WISE, the smart way to sendmoney around the world.
Your life is global.
Your money should be too.
Some providers promise no fees on overseastransfers,
but extra costs often hide in bloated exchangerates.
Choose WISE.
You can send money overseas for education,
or spend in over 40 currencies while traveling.
Get the exchange rate that you'd usually see onGoogle,
plus count on 24-7 customer support.
Be smart.
Get WISE.
Visit WISE.com.
T's and C's apply.
Now, let's talk about the fourth agreement,
because this one might be the most freeing of all.
Always do your best.
Simple enough, right?
Except Ruiz adds a twist most people misscompletely.
Your best is not one fixed number.
It changes day by day, hour by hour.
Your best on a healthy, well-rested morning is acompletely different thing
from your best when you are sick, exhausted, orheartbroken.
And judging today's effort by yesterday's energy
is exactly where so much of our guilt comes from.
There are two ways people usually fail thisagreement,
and they are opposite mistakes.
Tell them, Julia.
Yeah, the first is doing less than your best.
Being lazy, holding back, not really trying.
That one creates guilt.
The judge in your head has a field day.
But the second mistake is sneakier.
Doing more than your best.
Pushing far past your limit again and again.
That one looks like virtue from the outside.
But it is not sustainable.
It leads straight to burnout.
And that, friends, is exactly where I lived formost of last year.
Go on, Julia.
When we were building this podcast,
I had this idea that doing my best meant workingevery single evening,
every weekend, no exceptions.
14 hour days back to back for months.
I remember.
You looked exhausted.
I thought that was what commitment looked like.
Then one week, I genuinely could not get out ofbed.
My body just stopped negotiating.
And lying there, I finally understood thisagreement properly.
My best on that sick, exhausted week was gettingup,
drinking some water and answering one email.
And that was enough.
That was actually my best that week.
Because the goal was never to perform for animaginary judge.
It was to act and then let go of the outcomecompletely.
Ruiz compares it to something from the BhagavadGita, actually.
Doing your duty without being attached to thefruit of your action.
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You give a talk.
You prepare.
You show up honestly.
And then whether people applaud or stay silent issimply not your business anymore.
You did your best.
That is the whole contract.
Nothing more is owed.
And here is where all of this quietly comestogether, friends.
When you stop assuming, and you simply do yourbest without needing anyone's applause,
something shifts.
Ruiz calls the person who lives this way a Toltecwarrior.
Not someone who fights everyone.
Someone who has simply stopped fightingthemselves.
A warrior like this is aware that life is short.
And strangely, that awareness does not make themanxious.
It makes them present.
They forgive quickly themselves most of all.
Because Ruiz says something we both needed tohear.
You are already perfect exactly as you are.
The only reason you don't feel that way is becausesomewhere you agreed that you weren't.
And you can simply unagree.
One honest conversation at a time.
One kept promise to yourself at a time.
That is the whole of it, friends.
Nothing mystical.
Nothing complicated.
Just two very old habits.
Finally broken.
Guessing.
And punishing.
And there is one more piece to this warriormindset.
Quietly powerful.
Ruiz talks about accepting that none of us arehere forever.
Not in a heavy way, friends.
In a freeing way.
When you truly accept that your time is limited,
you stop wasting it on manufactured drama.
You stop rehearsing arguments that haven'thappened yet.
You stop performing for people who were neverwatching that closely anyway.
You just live the conversation you are actually inright now.
That is it.
That is the whole shift.
Before we go further, let's collect the tools fromtoday's stories.
Eight expressions straight from our own lives.
Number one.
To jump to conclusions.
It means to decide something is true withoutenough information.
I jumped to conclusions about Claire's silence andI was completely wrong.
Number two.
To give someone the benefit of the doubt.
It means to assume the best about someone ratherthan the worst when you are not sure.
Instead of assuming, give your partner the benefitof the doubt.
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Number three.
To read too much into something.
It means to find a meaning that probably was notreally there.
I read way too much into one quiet dinner.
Number four.
To speak your mind.
It means to say honestly what you think or needinstead of expecting people to guess.
If something's wrong, speak your mind instead ofwaiting for them to notice.
Number five.
To give it your best shot.
It means to try as hard as you genuinely can withno guarantee of the result.
I gave it my best shot even on the days I feltterrible.
Number six.
To burn out.
It means to become completely exhausted fromworking too hard for too long.
Julia burned out after months of 14-hour days.
Number seven.
To be hard on yourself.
It means to judge or criticize yourself moreharshly than you deserve.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You did your best.
And number eight.
To let something go.
It means to stop holding onto a feeling, a grudge,or an expectation.
Once she understood the truth, she let the wholething go.
Eight new tools for your toolbox, friends.
Jump to conclusions.
Give the benefit of the doubt.
Read too much into something.
Speak your mind.
Give it your best shot.
Burn out.
Be hard on yourself.
And let something go.
Now, friends, it is time for our sentence of theday.
Here it is.
I ask instead of assume, and I try without needingto be perfect.
Let's say it one more time, slowly.
I ask instead of assume, and I try without needingto be perfect.
Say it out loud with us, right now, wherever youare.
Let's close the loop, friends.
Don't make assumptions, because most of the storyin your head was never real.
Just ask.
And always do your best, because your best changesevery single day.
And that is completely okay.
Claire's silence was never about Martin.
And my 14-hour days were never actually love.
They were fear, wearing a very convincingdisguise.
Everything from today, the vocabulary, thetranscript, and the translations,
is waiting for you at yourenglishtoolbox.com.
All completely free.
Thank you for being here with us, friends.
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See you next time.
Bye for now.
Take care, friends.
