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At 8 minutes to 5, I got the best professionalnews I have had in 3 years.
A radio station in Manchester confirmed a liveinterview I had been chasing for 8 months.
So, I picked up my phone, I opened my contacts,and I just stood there in the kitchen, scrolling.
Scrolling for what? For someone I really wanted totell.
Not someone who would say congratulations. Someonewho would actually care.
And how long did you scroll? Long enough for thekettle to boil and go cold again.
So, here is my question. And it is the questionfor this whole episode.
What is good news worth if there is nobody youtruly want to share it with?
Welcome to Your English Toolbox, the podcast thattrains your English while you live your real life.
I am Martin. And I am Julia.
And today we begin something new.
Four conversations about how to live a good life.
Not a perfect life. A good one.
Four conversations about happiness, relationships,purpose,
and the small choices that improve our quality oflife.
And we start with a study that took 80 years toanswer one question.
But before the study, a game.
Oh, I like games.
Imagine our listener right now.
On a bus, in a kitchen, walking to work.
If they could invest in only one thing today to behappier in 20 years, what would they choose?
Easy. Money.
That is my bet too. Money first.
Then health, obviously.
Then freedom. Not having a boss.
Success. Recognition. People knowing your name.
A nice house. A warm house.
And a very good sofa.
A sofa.
Do not laugh. A really, really good sofa changes aperson's life.
I am not laughing.
You are laughing with your eyebrows.
I am writing it down. Sofa under furniture.
03:01
I am serious. When I moved to England,
I slept for two months on a sofa that folded inthe middle like a taco.
I promise you, nobody is happy on a taco.
Alright, alright. The sofa stays on the list.
Now listen. None of these answers are stupid.
No, they are not. Money matters. Health matters.
If you are living in a new country and you cannotpay the rent,
nobody needs to tell you that money matters.
And we are not going to do that thing where
two comfortable people tell you that money doesnot buy happiness.
Absolutely not.
But here's the thing.
Not one of the answers on our list was the answerthat came out of the study.
Not even the sofa?
Especially not the sofa. So, 1938.
Before the Second World War.
Before television in most homes.
A group of researchers in Boston decided to dosomething nobody had done before.
Instead of studying people who were sick,
they wanted to understand people who were doingwell.
And instead of asking them once,
they wanted to follow them for their whole lives.
That is the key phrase. To follow someone overtime.
They chose two groups that would never normallymeet.
Group 1, 268 students from Harvard University.
Young men with every advantage.
Group 2, 456 boys from some of Boston's poorestneighborhoods.
Some of them lived in homes with no hot water.
So, 724 people in total.
They all agreed to take part.
And every two years, a questionnaire.
How is your work? How is your marriage?
How do you sleep?
Every five years, medical records. Blood, heart,everything.
And every 15 years or so, a researcher goes totheir house,
sits in their living room, and talks to them forhours.
With their wives. Later, with their children.
The researchers kept track of everything.
Every job, every illness, every divorce.
And this is the part I love.
The people who started the study never saw theanswer.
No, the first director died. The second oneretired.
The files passed from one team to the next like arelay race.
Boxes and boxes of paper moving through thedecades.
Today, the study is on its fourth director.
And it now includes spouses and more than athousand children of the original men.
So, it is not just a study anymore. It is a familytree.
06:05
And one detail, because people always ask.
One of the Harvard students became President ofthe United States.
Really?
John F. Kennedy.
His records remain restricted, but he was one ofthe participants.
And among the Boston boys?
Some became doctors. Some became teachers.
Some ended up alone, or drinking, or both.
And some of the Harvard men, with all theiradvantages, ended up the same way.
The starting line still mattered.
Poverty, opportunity, and health shaped manylives.
But the starting line did not tell the wholestory.
It did not decide on its own who would build agood life.
So, what did matter?
When the men reached 50, the researchers had 30years of data on each one.
30 years of blood tests, work histories, familystories, everything.
And they asked one question.
Which of these measures at 50 helps predict whowill be healthy and happy at 80?
Cholesterol.
That is what many people expected.
Cholesterol, blood pressure, weight.
And?
It was not cholesterol.
The strongest predictor of health at 80 was howsatisfied each man was with his relationships at
50.
Say that again.
Slowly, for the people cooking dinner.
The men who were most satisfied with theirrelationships at 50 tended to be the healthiest at
80.
Not necessarily the richest.
Not necessarily the most famous.
And not simply the ones with the best cholesterol.
The ones with people they felt connected to.
Now, we have to be careful here because this is apodcast, not a miracle.
Good relationships do not guarantee a long life.
No.
And they do not guarantee a painless life.
People with wonderful families still get sick.
But over 80 years, the same pattern keptappearing.
That is the word the researchers use.
A pattern.
Warm, reliable relationships appeared again andagain
as one of the strongest foundations of a goodlife.
Foundations.
Like the foundations of a house.
Exactly.
Not the roof, not the decoration.
The thing everything else stands on.
Okay, but I want to go back to money.
Please do.
Because I have heard money does not buy happinessa thousand times,
usually from people who have money.
09:00
And it is not true, is it?
It is not that simple.
Researchers have looked at this carefully.
And for most people, more money is associated witha little more happiness.
Full stop.
Because money can buy security.
Money can buy a safer home.
It can help you see a doctor when you need one.
Money can buy the plane ticket home when yourmother is ill.
If you are living abroad, money is not a luxury.
It can feel like oxygen.
So the study never said that money does notmatter.
What it showed is something more precise.
Money and relationships give us different things.
Money gives us options.
Relationships give us someone to call.
And you cannot simply swap one for the other.
You cannot phone your bank account at midnightwhen you are scared.
No.
It does not pick up.
So where do people go wrong?
I know exactly where.
The postponed life.
Tell me about it.
I will see my friends when things calm down.
I will call my brother when this project is over.
I will join something and meet people once I havesettled in.
And things never calm down.
The project ends and another one starts.
This is called putting something off.
You put off the phone call.
You put off the dinner.
And the strange thing is, we do not put off thethings that matter less.
No.
We put off the people we take for grantedprecisely because we think they will always be
there.
That phrase, to take someone for granted, is worthlearning.
It means you stop noticing someone because youassume they will never leave.
And slowly, without any argument, you lose touch.
To lose touch with someone.
No fight, no drama.
Just a silence that grows.
Let me tell you about Daniel.
Is this a real person?
No, Daniel is fictional.
But I think many of our listeners will recognizepart of themselves in him.
Daniel Okafor, an engineer from Lagos living inCalgary in Canada for eight years.
Cold place.
Very cold.
Minus 30 in January.
Daniel arrived with one suitcase and a plan.
Ten years, senior engineer, then the house.
A man with a spreadsheet.
A man with a spreadsheet.
He worked weekends.
He said no to almost everything.
And on a Tuesday afternoon in March, his managercalls him into the office and he gets it.
12:02
Senior engineer, two years early.
So he picks up his phone.
He picks up his phone and he opens WhatsApp.
And the first thing he sees is his sister.
What about her?
Three messages from her.
From January and February.
And he had never answered.
Support comes from WISE, the smart way to sendmoney around the world.
Your life is global.
Your money should be too.
Some providers promise no fees on overseastransfers.
But extra costs often hide in bloated exchangerates.
Choose WISE.
You can send money overseas for education or spendin over 40 currencies while traveling.
Get the exchange rate that you'd usually see onGoogle.
Plus count on 24-7 customer support.
Be smart.
Get WISE.
Visit WISE.com.
T's and C's apply.
Not because he did not care.
Because he was busy and he was going to answerproperly later when he had time.
Oh, that hurts.
Then he scrolls down.
His best friend from university, the one who cameto the airport when he left Lagos.
The last message was a birthday emoji from twoyears ago.
Two years.
And then Amara, the woman who shared a flat withhim his first year in Calgary,
when neither of them knew anybody.
She moved to Vancouver eight months ago.
He found out from a photo.
He did not know she had moved?
He found out from a photo.
So what did Daniel do?
Well, he did not quit his job, if that is what youare hoping.
I was not hoping that.
Good, because that is the wrong story.
Daniel kept his job.
He liked his job.
What he did that night was open his sister's chat.
And he wrote three words.
Three words.
It took him 20 minutes.
20 minutes for three words.
I love this man.
He typed and deleted, typed and deleted.
What were the words?
How are you?
That is it?
That is it.
Not I got promoted.
Not sorry I disappeared.
Just how are you?
And then he waited.
And?
She was awake.
She was worried about their father.
They talked for an hour.
Did he tell her about the promotion?
At the very end.
She said, I am proud of you.
And then she said, why did you not call me inJanuary?
And he had no answer.
He had no answer.
He had not repaired everything.
No.
But the silence between them was finally broken.
OK, I want to bring this home to our listenerbecause I think they are feeling something
15:07
right now.
Go ahead.
If you are listening to this in a country that isnot yours, every conversation you have
in English costs you something.
Effort, courage.
And a willingness to feel a little vulnerablesometimes.
And it is easy to think of those conversations aspractical.
As a test you pass or fail.
But they are not a test.
Every imperfect conversation in English is morethan language practice.
It might be the beginning of the network thatsupports your life 10 years from now.
The neighbor you talk to today might be the personwho waters your plants in five years.
So let us give you some tools.
Three sentences for reconnecting.
For picking up a relationship you have let goquiet.
Not perfect sentences.
Real ones.
Listen, then repeat in the pause.
I was thinking about you today.
How are things?
It has been too long.
Can we catch up this week?
Tell me about you first.
What is new?
One more time, all three.
I was thinking about you today.
How are things?
It has been too long.
Can we catch up this week?
Tell me about you first.
What is new?
To catch up with someone means to share what hashappened since you last spoke.
And notice the third sentence.
Tell me about you first.
Because reconnecting is not about announcing yournews.
It is about making room for theirs.
And that brings us to our sentence of the day.
Ready?
A good life is not something you reach, it issomething you build with other people.
A good life is not something you reach, it issomething you build with other people.
Say it with us one more time.
A good life is not something you reach.
It is something you build with other people.
So, the kettle.
The kettle?
Yesterday, at eight minutes to five, you werescrolling.
Did you find someone?
I did. My cousin Ellie in Leeds. We used to talkevery week. Now it is Christmas and birthdays.
And what did you say?
I did not start with the interview. I said, it hasbeen too long. How are things with the new job?
That is the sentence.
That is the sentence. And she talked for 20minutes before I said a word about myself.
And then?
And then I told her. And she screamed. Properlyscreamed.
So the question at the start of the episode was,who will celebrate with me?
18:03
And the real question I think is different.
Who am I available for?
Not who is there for me. Who am I there for?
Here is something to carry with you this week.Imagine a photograph of your life 20 years from
now.
Not the house. Not the job.
The people standing next to you in the photo.
Who are they?
And what do you need to do this week so that theyare still there?
Here is your task. One person. 24 hours.
Someone you have let go quiet. Send one of thethree sentences.
You do not need perfect English. You need to presssend.
Next time, we look at something strange.
Why you can be surrounded by people all day andstill feel completely alone.
And what a famous experiment on a train discoveredabout it.
But each episode stands on its own, so startwherever you like.
The interactive transcript, translations,vocabulary, and reconnection sentences are waiting
for you at yourenglishtoolbox.com.
You can listen and learn on the page and downloadthe study PDFs with your free student account.
Thank you for spending this time with us.
Go and press send.
See you in the next one.
