00:06
...continue to flow in quiet stillness...
...along the way, the phone's battery stopped at97% for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
...Meaning Optional...
今日話してるのは、親族と一緒に動画を見たらどうなのかをチェックしてみました。
前回、たくさんの回に聞きました。
前回、前回、詳細はスキップしますが、
動画について聞きました。
5分間、5回聞きました。
彼らはいつも言っていました。
今日はもう一度聞きました。
この部分は見てませんでしたか?
5分前に聞きました。
彼らはいつも言っていました。
詳細はスキップしましたが、
この動画の半分は見ていませんでした。
彼女は言いました。
でも、今日はもう一度聞きました。
彼女は最初に、
去年の動画を見たと言いました。
なぜ、彼女はそれを言っていませんでしたか?
彼女はたくさんの回に聞きました。
彼女はすでに、
すでに、
すでに、
すでに、
すでに、
すでに、
すでに、
すでに、
すでに、
すでに、
すでに、
すでに、
すでに、
すでに、
すでに、
You were watching it a second time, right? Thenshe said, I don't know anything that's not in thisnotebook.
I said, then what were you looking at when youanswered me before?
That's strange. Who you are looking at thenotebook but answering without checking it. That'sworse.
Then she said, I definitely didn't look at thenotebook. I looked at something else.
03:02
I said, you were definitely looking at thenotebook. There was nothing else to look at.
She said, also I guess I didn't look at thenotebook. I said, you finally agreed with me.
So explain, why did you say there were no videoswhen they are right there in the notebook?
She said, I don't know. I said, you just said youdidn't look at the notebook so we can talk.
Now you agree you saw the notebook so you canexplain now.
She said, it doesn't say here that I'm watching ita second time and I don't know the rest. I justhave to give up.
I have to give up when she says that. Do youunderstand what I mean?
She never admitted it.
She said she didn't look at the notebook. I triedto explain many ways to make her understand.
Then she said, ok I guess I was looking at thenotebook.
So you'll expect an explanation, right?
But then she starts saying, I don't know. If shedidn't look at it, why did she keep saying shedidn't look at it?
If she's looking at it, she can explain.
But she said she can't explain because she didn'tlook at it.
That's what happened.
If she's looking at it, she should be able toexplain.
But she said she's looking at it and she still can't explain.
When we started watching the video, I said, it'sstrange. It's the second time really not writtenhere.
What she said then was shocking.
I'll never forget it.
She said it's not in this notebook.
I told her that it doesn't matter now. It's alwaysthis pattern.
I wonder why she knew about the second time now.
I asked how she knew there was a second part, butshe didn't answer.
I had to make her answer in the end.
She had changed the time.
I asked why she didn't notice that today or theother times we talked about the second part.
She said, I don't know. I don't know.
It was the second time.
I asked what the moment meant or the numbers forthe second time next to the first one.
Then you know.
Can't you tell it's the second time?
06:02
Then it's just the middle of the first time.
She said it was neither.
It makes no sense.
It was a rare part.
Did you understand that part?
Why did she say she saw it the second time?
She said she didn't before.
She said she saw everything.
Then suddenly today she said there was a part shesaw second time.
She must have seen some proof to know that.
I asked what it was.
But she didn't answer.
She didn't answer.
Then she said the numbers are there.
Then she said they aren't.
It was terrible today.
I don't know if I'm explaining this well.
But we talked like this for over 15 minutes.
I feel a bit tired over and over.
She said the opposite of what she said 5 secondsago.
What she said strongly 5 seconds ago changed.
When I tried to move the talk forward, she saidsomething random again.
Next I've been thinking about the name of my show.
I've been thinking about Avaloid all day.
I started to not know who I am.
One thing I found out is that what I like is verydifferent from others.
It's sad that I can't explain what I was thinkingabout the show name.
I thought about so many things.
There were probably very small things.
I can say that I stopped counting numbers and giveup on meaning.
It became a dream to me.
I know it's a dream.
I accepted the dream and used it for my songs.
But it's not that simple.
I started to not know what meaning is.
It's something I can say simply.
I think there is a reason or meaning when I live.
Recent music or videos I want to talk about thedetails today.
Because I've talked about them before.
Anyway, what do I mean by meaning?
I definitely stopped counting and I changed sincethen.
I realized something today.
After I heard about developmental disorder, Ithought people are decided by their genes.
09:00
This was in me even when I was in the religion.
If people can change with training, then thosedisorders go away.
And that's contradiction.
That's why I strongly said people are decided bytheir genes.
This isn't about religion.
Also, I was raised by my baseball club.
They focused absolute things on my dream too.
Baseball club are like factories for slaves.
It's important to do what you're told.
It's like the army.
I don't like being in a group.
But I had to do many group things.
I couldn't talk and decide things with everyone.
But when I saw the kabuki actors yesterday,
even the kids were giving their opinion.
I thought the right way was just listen to thepeople at the top.
This is the game.
It's religion.
I thought there was one right answer.
I was missing the part where everyone talked andtried things out.
Back to the talk.
I said people are decided by genes.
But I forgot what I think that.
What's the proof is.
I heard from expert and it's from my experiencetoo.
Thinking you can do anything if you try is adream.
Why did I believe it so strongly?
Only because the idea of developmental disordersis a contradiction.
I worried about this a lot because I'm differentfrom the world.
Religion is just one thing.
I was raised by many things and they made me.
But religion was big.
How do I show that?
How do I see myself?
I think it's all genes.
There is a contradiction.
And there too.
Also during lunch today.
I heard sound from my parents.
It felt like someone was sleeping.
I used to hate the sound of them rubbing theirfeet.
It bothered me again today.
It's a tiny sound but it bothered me.
I asked if they were sleeping.
They just moved their feet.
That's hard for me.
I can't focus on lunch.
It bothered me so much.
I get stuck like I can't move.
12:02
It really bothered me during lunch.
It was a very small sound.
Next I found out something today.
I couldn't explain it well before.
Imagine you break a machine to get rid of stress.
You don't care what happens to the machine afterit's broken.
It is a murder for giving rid of stress.
It's about the moment you break it.
Maybe I imagine too much.
I think I'm different from others.
This is just an example.
After you break something for stress,
What happens to it doesn't matter.
That's the normal way to think.
Humans have imagination.
If you have too much,
Maybe it doesn't matter.
But you imagine what happens next and feel goodabout it.
This is different from other people.
I used an example on purpose.
It was a shock the other day.
I thought many people would feel the same as me.
But they don't.
I'm shocked and feel alone again.
Why don't they understand?
That example was a bit hard to understand.
But also I saw a video today.
Where people didn't notice how it was taken off.
They didn't notice when it was put on either.
Both of them didn't realize.
A scientist said people don't look at faces.
The brain saves energy.
It looks at expressions because they change.
But it doesn't look at what's the face.
That's true.
You don't check the eyes one by one.
You don't know that's normal.
But most people don't understand it.
They think this is another person's face.
Because they're looking at their eyes.
But they aren't doing it without thinking.
It's the same for how people act.
Most things are done without thinking.
But you don't think so, right?
You think you're using your will to act.
But you spend the day without thinking.
It's strange.
Humans see changes.
Humans might not have a power to see change.
Maybe it's just a human's way of seeing it.
If a ball is in front of you.
You think it's the same ball after one's count.
But it's changing.
So it's a different thing.
15:00
But we say it's the same.
Humans can't see change.
Anyway, you think if a friend did something bad.
You might think you had a bad effect on them.
You might think they wouldn't have done it if youdid something.
There is a book about this.
I'm not interested.
But humans affect each other in good and bad ways.
That's very scary.
But on the other hand, I understand this too.
It's only something you see after it happens.
Looking back, you might think you could have donesomething.
But you don't know how things are at each momentwhile you are living.
Humans are very wrong about this.
Humans reflect on things.
But everyone is doing their best at that time.
Why can I say they are doing their best?
I can think of a better way to say it.
So it's a bit boring.
It's like this.
Doing your best is just a score you give yourself.
If there is a round stone and a triangle stone.
You don't know which one is closer.
If it's closer to one point, that's how itrelates.
You just think one is prettier.
So you just say you could have done more.
You are doing your best at that time.
Because maybe I said it's wrong.
It's not best or not best.
But thinking you could have done more, that's nottrue.
Think of it as doing your best.
You only think you didn't do enough later.
You don't know at that time.
For example, you gave up on homework andeverything got bad.
There was a reason for that.
You only think you got yelled at because thingswere bad when you look back at that time.
You decided and acted in reality.
People who aren't very ready do that.
What's going on at that time?
Well, you look back at the past.
You forget why you acted that way.
There must have been a reason.
I was walking into a local candy shop.
There are shops for tourists and shops for localpeople.
18:06
They are split into two types.
Even if the size is the same, that's normal.
I guess in Hokkaido, one company is a famousbrand.
But it's strange.
A small shop isn't known everywhere.
But some are known in Hokkaido but are for localpeople.
There are many things like that.
Also, I found a tissue in the floor this morning.
I always tell my mother to be careful.
Then she dropped a tissue in the bathroom.
She said to think roundly to hide it.
I told her.
But then I made a mistake that day.
2. About listening to music.
When I listen for a long time, like 2 hours, Iwonder what the meaning is.
My body gets bored first.
Then I think what's the meaning of this.
It doesn't stop there.
For lots of reasons.
Why am I focusing on this sound?
I don't need anything.
So why am I trying so hard to focus?
Then I wake up.
I realize I should listen for fun.
But I realize right away that I have to focus toenjoy it.
I can't even hear if I don't focus.
So I have to focus.
Then I'm looking for a good feeling.
You might not think you're listening for a goodfeeling.
If you're looking for meaning, it breaks.
It makes me feel bad.
It's good if it ends up feeling good.
Humans feel good when they eat sugar.
They sleep when they are tired.
But maybe meaning and good feeling should be thetarget.
I thought I was interested in philosophy.
But probably not.
It's just difficult for no reason.
That's the truth.
I can just decide that.
It's just something difficult.
Everyone has their own way of seeing it.
So people who like it can do it.
When I talk, it's showing my dry way of thinking.
It's not philosophy.
Maybe I'm even saying no to philosophy.
I realize today.
I already said.
I threw away meaning, hope, and goals.
I'm even against them.
Not only that.
I don't believe in science anymore.
Not just tech.
21:01
But science too.
Science feels like a religion.
Physics especially.
Math is different.
Physics, especially the very small things, feelslike a religion.
It's a story.
My head is a mess today.
That's why.
I stopped believing in meaning too.
I didn't just stop believing in religion.
I think just.
I just stopped believing in many things.
I don't believe in science or meaning.
It's too nice to say I only believe in myself.
I don't even believe in myself.
I don't feel like I don't trust people.
That's the same as before.
But everything looks like a religion now.
Science, tech, medicine, and food science.
But the talk about music.
If I focus in a zone.
My feelings aren't moving.
It doesn't really enjoy it.
It's like a runner's high.
People think they reached a special place withmeditation.
But they're just in that zone.
They're just deep in it.
I'm busy.
But catching the sound is that.
Enjoying it.
But I still wanna listen.
My thoughts don't really change my life.
I don't believe in anything.
But I still think.
Why does this have meaning?
Next.
I threw away clothes.
But I feel meaning.
I keep saying I feel meaning when I listen tomusic.
I think I'm feeling meaning.
The human heart has many layers.
Basically, I don't feel meaning.
If I really felt it from the bottom of my heart.
It would be like when I was in school.
Next.
About being a realist.
I think they're dry.
Cultural Americans make more sense.
I used to think differently.
I saw Americans put ketchup on ramen.
If humans are just animals.
We just need to eat.
I thought that was good.
I'm extreme.
I like old things with history.
But I also like dry.
Dry.
Simple ways of thinking rarely.
I'm moving towards one side.
I think a high-class life with classical music isbetter.
It's a big deal.
I have to change my whole life.
Before I could listen to songs that make you feelhigh.
I don't know I was doing it.
But I was avoiding them.
If I listen to them, I feel down later.
High volume is bad.
24:00
EDM is really bad for my mind.
It's strange.
Not hip-hop or rock.
Just EDM makes me feel down.
Maybe it's a zone.
Before when I wanted to learn from someone.
I was looking for what I didn't have.
Of course I don't have.
If I'm looking for it.
It means I was doing something that didn't fit me.
I realized that high-class things are important.
But I was studying difficult things.
I like things that are hard.
If it's not hard, I can do it easily.
So I want a hard thing.
But it didn't fit me.
I couldn't learn it.
I stopped doing that.
I understand wanna do what someone you like to do.
I think it's strange.
It feels like you are being taken over.
If you follow their habits.
You feel like you are disappeared.
But you wanna try what people you like try.
Fans and idols play the same games or watch thesame anime.
They wear the same clothes too.
Buying the same clothes is one thing.
But watching the same things is natural butstrange.
I found that little bit humans have learned manyskills over 7 million years.
We are animals.
So we do this without thinking.
We wanna be closer to them.
We act like them.
It's just how we are made.
I think our actions are mostly decided like genes.
I went to the temple yesterday.
People like to take things themselves.
That feels scary.
I said before that eating is very direct.
Some people don't wanna be seen eating.
They spread it away.
The eating looks scary.
Maybe the hunger to take these things is scary.
If I have examples from stories, it's good.
But I didn't watch anime or movies.
If I did, they'd be very strange ones.
So no one would understand.
If you have too many things you like, you don'tknow who you are.
Actors say they don't know who they are.
They know there is no self.
People who are good at copying others areinteresting.
They change easily.
27:01
Who are they?
I don't know.
It's not wrong.
They just see through a camera in my old religion.
They said to focus on one thing to reach a goal.
But humans are interested in many things.
Even successful people are.
If you only think about one thing, that's a traitof ASD.
Most people don't need that.
What you are interested in is decided by genes.
The leader of the religion said that too.
Before, I wanted to get something.
After that, I wanted simple things.
I didn't understand.
Her art, music is just sound.
Finding meaning in it is like religion.
But Mozart is strange.
He uses art, but it's not trying to hurt.
He just sings.
Humans want this music.
Mozart is a non-believer.
I thought so.
It's not dry or wet.
But the thinking fit me.
Maybe if you look at the fact that music is justsound,
you can make good songs.
I had a bad dream last night.
Two nights in a row, I had a girlfriend.
But another woman said,
You know how I feel.
I was stuck between them.
It was a bad dream.
Because religion.
I looked for too much meaning.
Other people didn't.
I break.
After I left, I threw away meaning.
I'm different from other people who left.
It's night.
I'm stuck on something.
An actor's wife died.
Of cancer.
When the kids were small,
I wonder how the house was doing.
I'm interested in small things.
I saw a video today.
I saw about the kids feeling and the kids.
It's a special family.
I wonder how hard he is.
His song for Kabuki.
If he's busy, I'm thinking about that.
About lunch.
If food has no taste,
It should at least be very healthy.
Healthy.
I always think there is a better version.
But I don't have the power to do it well.
I wonder if this ingredient is needed.
I think too much.
I told my mother my age today.
She was shocked.
Time goes so fast.
30:00
It's hard to be at home.
And see that it's sad.
I get older and it's hard.
Dinner with pork and cabbage
with spicy sauce.
The cook is a genius.
It was a mix of Japan and Korea.
I can't believe they thought of it.
It fits the pork.
The pickles were white cabbage
with a new taste.
The lotus root was good
but the taste went away.
The crunch was good
but I don't care about crunch.
I was beans and tofu in my soup at lunch.
It looked good but had no taste.
The potato this morning was good.
I saw two guys eating one thing on YouTube.
One was good looking.
The woman must have been happy
but they were eating together
because they had to eat other things too.
I think about it many times about YouTube.
I always wondered.
It's for middle schoolers and podcasters likethat.
They use titles and pictures to trick you.
If you change the pictures and the numbers change
people look at it so simply
it's in that middle school label.
I always wondered
there must be a reason why I still wondered.
The content sounds and looks are all to catchmiddle schoolers
but I doubt what it is to.
Why do I think so?
Because the Kabuki videos start to think likethat.
It's for people with low schoolers and taste.
Why is Japan like this?
I realized something.
The first time you do something it's not hard.
But people have a power to avoid danger
but since you do it
you don't know it's hard
so it's not hard.
The second time is OK
after 5 or 10 times it gets hard.
You remember it's hard
so you think it's hard.
You learn it was hard
so the act isn't hard while you are doing it.
But even if I know that it's still hard
I'm just tricking myself
if the act is the same
it's not hard.
My phone gets bright
when I open an app
it fixes itself first
I tried to fix it
but I couldn't.
I know it will fix itself
but I'm worried
so I look it up.
I waited 7 or 8 hours
I regret it.
Worry makes me act bad.
33:02
A famous person helps others
but if they can't they feel bad.
So they say they are selfish.
They say they do it for themselves.
That's a cold way to look at kindness.
Maybe it's true
but it's too cold.
But I think humans want to help others.
People support singers by being serious.
It's strange
but humans have that kind of heart.
When people feel something is missing
they use what they are good at to fix it.
My teacher had an allergy
but loved ramen.
But he was trying to fix it with ramen.
Someone goes to the host club for stress.
It's the same.
They try to fix one thing with another.
It doesn't fix it.
But I understand.
I get hooked on things easily.
I'm afraid of the joy of money.
It's a big joy.
So it might ruin my life.
If money comes in, it's bad.
I regret not being with that girl
in school.
But if we were
maybe I'd feel empty now.
The joy would be too big.
So maybe it was OK.
I wonder if money makes you happy.
People say you just need enough.
I feel jealous of rich people.
A big room is hard to clean.
I wonder what I'd think if I had money.
I'd probably think it meant nothing.
But I don't know.
The idea of happiness is silly.
But I'm still jealous.
Money solves everything.
The actor I talked about lost his wife.
He can pay for help because he has money.
I think about the future and money really occurand be good.
I can do anything for free on my phone.
But maybe I should have more money.