00:00
Continue to flow in quiet stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
私の映像の名前を考えながら話したいと思います。
この10年間、私の人生は変わっていません。
私の考え方は同じです。
私のルーティンは定まっています。
私は10年前に宗教を辞めました。
それは大きな部分です。
でもこのルーティンは僧侶の人生です。
僧侶の人生とは異なるものです。
僧侶の人生よりも異なるものです。
私は社会から完全に離れています。
私の人生では僧侶ではありませんが、
私の心は侍のように鋭いです。
僧侶の人生について深く理解しなければなりません。
私は彼らだけを理解します。
次のことです。
私の親族は友人の息子から何かを聞きました。
彼らは私に言いました。
それは人を通り抜くようなメッセージでした。
私はそれが不思議だと思いました。
その時点は誰かのために完璧すぎました。
私は最初に聞きました。
僧侶が実際に古い家に住んでいたと聞きました。
母は言いました。
私は言ったかもしれません。
待って、彼は実際にそこに住んでいたと言ったかもしれません。
彼は言いました。
彼は止まったかもしれません。
私はそれについて考えました。
彼はそれについて考えました。
昨日、何かが起きました。
彼は家で同じ日に物語を話しました。
彼が1ヶ月間家に帰ると、
昨日のその変化が起きました。
彼は3〜4回一週間家に帰りませんでした。
彼はそれについてどう考えましたか?
彼はそれについてどう考えましたか?
03:02
彼はそれについてどう考えましたか?
お母さんが話していたときは、お母さんが生きている間に、お母さんは友人から話を止めました。
友人は逃げました。
私の人生は辛いです。
でも、私の親の人生も辛いです。
お母さんは一人しかいませんでした。
お母さんは逃げました。
お母さんが死んだとき、最後の守りの守りの石が感じました。
お母さんは亡くなっていたのに、悲しかったです。
でも、それが起きました。
お母さんは小さいのにとても弱かったです。
でも、お母さんは私の母親の心を少し守っていました。
少しでも大きかったです。
私は知らないのですが、お母さんは彼女にとってはとても信頼していました。
でも、私はお母さんが信頼していたのを感じました。
私は彼女にとっては信頼していませんでした。
でも、私は彼女の手伝いに助けがなかったような気がしました。
私はリリジオンを辞めてから助けを求められなかった。
私は自分は強いとは思っていません。
でも、多分私はそうです。
リリジオンを辞めるとき、別の助けを求める必要がある時、
それは怒ってしまいます。
それは正常なパターンです。
10%って感じです。
私はそれを求めたり助けを求めたりもしないでください。
私は自分のある生き方で働かせていたことは、
もし私は強いとは思わないと、私は強いと考えました。
それは違って、私はそれに生まれていました。
しかし私は大きくなり、強くなりたくなりました。
私は強いと考えなければなりませんでした。
私は3つのことを話すべきだった。
私は一つが思い出しましたが、
別の二つを忘れた。
私は他の一つを思い出しながら、
私はそれを忘れたと思いました。
私は最初の2つを覚えていますが、今は最後の1つが消えました。
いつもこんな感じです。
人生の意味はストーリーのようなものです。
ドラマを見るときに、
あなたは集中して、
面白いと思っているのですが、
それは作り上げたストーリーです。
世界中の人々は、
人生の意味はストーリーのようなものと考えています。
彼らはそれを考えています。
しかし、彼らはそれが作り上げたものを知っています。
06:04
もしそうなら、彼らは私を好きです。
私は、
私は、
私は、
私は、
私は、
私は、
私は、
私は、
そのストーリーは、
その意味のストーリーが私を壊した
私は目が覚めた
それはただのストーリーだった
私はその世界に戻ることはできません
私はいつもそう思っていました
でも人々は一つの宗教を離れて
別の宗教に行きました
私はそれを見た人々を見た
私は考えた
彼らは大丈夫ですか
彼らは私たちの考えを見つけました
真実は間違っていた
彼らは新しい真実を探していた
でも彼らにとっては
それはただのストーリー
彼らはそれを信じています
でも彼らは深く知っています
それはたぶんストーリー
だから彼らは新しいものを探しています
本当に信じている人は
本当に真実がありません
私はそれを意識しました
人々は宗教に
真実があると考えています
でも私はそれを見つけました
数年後
物理学と数学が証明しました
真実はありません
人々はロジックと争っています
でもそれは怖いです
人々が真実を信じているとき
私は戻ることができません
私は本当に信じています
そして意味
私の値段も失われました
私は今新しいものを持っています
でもその間
彼らは行きました
私は
私は自分のルールを何も取り戻さない
私は家にいらないので
私はルールを作り
それを従います
それは
それを
意味がない世界で
難しいです
人々はそれを楽しみます
でも
人々は
難しいことをすると
太ってしまいます
科学は
太ってしまうことは
主に
腫瘍や
腎のことについてです
これを示します
学者は
人々の努力は
09:02
変化することができる
人々は
戦争で
同じ
運動をしている
同じ食べ物を食べる
すぐに太ってしまう
変わる
学校は同じ
みんな同じことをしている
だから
誰が才能を持っているかを見ることができます
誰がいないかを見ることができます
怖いです
人々は
運動は
悪いものだと知っています
でも日本では
悪いことを
勉強するのは
ストーリーのためです
本当のことを
子供たちは
正しい教育を
教師は
教育は
食事に
責任がある
子供たちは
座りなさい
彼らに
質問があるなら
オンラインで
お金を
作ることができます
私たちは
先生は
もう
例の
But if new rules are added to the example, it'snot an example anymore.
I'm studying English sound now.
All these new rules are added, and the originalexample is gone.
It's not a sample sentence anymore.
I thought maybe I'm crazy, but I think this way isnormal.
Then you have extra question.
That makes sense.
Next, about the show name, I looked for meaningtoo much.
I had too much focus on goals.
Maybe it's because I'm a person who wants thingsto be perfect.
In high school, I think about the same thing foryears.
My future, my worries are quitting my craft.
I had a lot of worries, and I looked for too muchmeaning, and I broke.
I was always sleepy and probably had a bad mind.Ididn't know, but it was bad.
I had a heart sickness then too.
That's why I broke.
When people quit their religion, they look forhelp, but the religion didn't help me.
It felt like a heavy bag was taken off.
I don't wanna make.
I felt free.
It was about pleasure.
12:02
I just thought life has no meaning.
Usually people panic and ask what to do.
I just lived my days quietly.
I wasn't bored, but I realized today that I haven't changed much since I was in religion.
My life is the same.
I wake up, brush my teeth, and eat.
I have the feeling we are all the same.
I'm not a robot.
Something is different.
It's dry, don't get angry as much.
The monk's bad feeling.
Taku is different from what people think now, soit doesn't matter.
I'm the same.
My relationship with my parents is a bit bettersince I can be myself more.
But it's always been a bit strange since I quit.
I don't see people much.
Before, I cared too much.
But what people thought, I was told not to getangry or sleep too much.
I couldn't act like a human.
I have trouble talking well anyway, so it was amess.
But when I joined, I had less trauma.
I couldn't protect myself.
I couldn't do normal things.
If I were still a number and a hermit, I'd be in arush.
I think I have to work on my luck and get better.
But I'd push myself and get more depressed sincethey think everything is but the mind.
Then I'd see it as a real illness.
I could go and get better faster without religion.
I'd not be able to protect myself.
Now I'm a realist, so it's different being a hermit.
I thought I'd be away from the world, but Iwatched a lot of videos, so I think I see peoplewell.
A few years inside doesn't change you that much.
The big thing is being a realist.
I'm away from the world, so I say I don'tunderstand a lot.
Do you think rich people are lucky, going to clubsand spending money?
I'm jealous, but I have to accept myself.
Some people join religion because they want to behappy after they die or in the next life.
They don't want religion to be saved, runningaway.
Sound bad.
Let's say numbering the brain.
They numb their brain to feel better.
15:00
That's fine.
Religion is important like science or art.
Even now, like I said this morning, I feel meaningin what's in front of me.
I thought about why it is the focus.
It is the kind of meaning, but deep down it'sdifferent.
I think life has meaning, but I can make thispodcast if I thought life had meaning.
I've been looking for my job or goal.
I've been worried for three years like in highschool.
Don't act because of a goal.
Be careful.
I felt meaning too much before.
Now I have balance.
Maybe meaning is just gone.
Something changed.
I'm living with my feet on the ground.
It's more than just being calm.
Religion.
You think there's next life or past life that'svery far from the real world.
My barriers are gone.
I'm home.
So I made my own rules.
I followed them.
I said this before.
I don't feel like I made them.
They just happen.
Not just rules for acting, but rules for thinkingtoo.
It got very detailed so I'm like a machine.
I'm automatic.
It was a bit strange, but I wanted to do it.
When I quit religion, the true answer was gone.
It had been there for 20 years, then it fell.
I already have a hard time with life, and I wasused to the true answer, so it made it harder.
I still look for the right answer.
I learned how to look before because it was alwaysgiven to me.
But in high school, I learned about answer for myfuture.
For over 10 years, I haven't felt hope or totalsadness.
I don't have total sadness.
When I always say you shouldn't have hope, totalsadness is also a way to run away.
I didn't do that.
I don't want to sound too nice, but I didn't feelit either.
Even though I live by rules, if I have meaning, Iget twisted.
In the empty world, routine saved me.
But routine or rules sounded like the army.
I was stoic because I looked at the empty world.
I didn't run or cry.
I just looked at it.
That's why I couldn't see things.
18:01
Today, I imagined something I wasn't doing as forreal.
I imagined my relative's kid was getting yelled atby his parent.
I imagined I said something, and the parent toldme to stay out of it.
I imagined I said, you don't have to say thatmuch.
I don't know why I imagined this.
I wondered what I say.
Maybe I just laugh.
I also imagined going to a dinner with a bestfriend.
I said, is it good?
I imagined a main customer was there, and I lookedat him.
But my friend thought I was looking at him.
Just a strange dream.
I also imagined my old teacher.
I told him, everyone is meaning to me.
I wondered what he said.
Dinner on the second day is sometimes better.
Maybe it's my health.
The sauce from yesterday was great.
Maybe the sauce tasted alright.
Heat a little plum is good.
I liked plum in tea.
Maybe I don't like it in rice balls.
Because the baseball club.
Too many bad memories.
But some people love rice balls.
A student from a top high school failed threetimes.
So maybe the taste is super hard.
He loves rice balls.
Though the salad was good yesterday.
A lot of eggs.
It was spicy.
So it was egg taste.
Maybe some oil too.
Not much.
Mayo eggs in a salad is good here.
I add cabbage and sweet to a girl from a famousgroup got a divorce.
I saw a video of five of them today.
Two of them just got married.
The one who got divorced was popular.
You never know what happens in life.
Whoever her was sitting next to them.
Happy when I'd feel bad.
I wonder how she felt.
She was smiling.
But maybe she was just happy to be down.
They are all new brides.
I liked music as a kid.
But I had goals and meaning them.
Music has no meaning.
It doesn't help you with anything.
I was just a kid.
Maybe I just wanted to relax.
But I thought I was getting something from it.
21:01
I was wrong.
I threw away meaning.
But I still worry about this podcast and English.
That maybe I still feel meaning.
So I haven't changed since I was a kid.
But because I know there's no deep meaning.
I'm just playing.
In high school, I got depressed.
Now I keep going with this podcast.
Maybe I'm older or my personality is worse.
Maybe because I don't feel meaning.
It's a bit hard to explain.
I threw away the story of meaning.
So now I can use it as a right story.
I know it's a story.
Before, I thought it was real.
I don't throw it away.
I just accept it's scary.
Maybe that's right.
People who never religion, is that right?
No, it can be the same usually.
People balance it with that thinking.
I'm very firm about it.
People don't know if God is there or not.
I don't know my own state.
But I don't wanna make it clear.
But I know things that aren't there.
Ghost got meaning.
I think are you guys okay?
The people who believe.
So I think there's no meaning.
Then why am I doing this?
Why am I even living?
For real, either you relax a bit.
But I can't relax at all.
I always feel bad.
Even while reading or watching videos, it doesn'tmatter.
If it's hot or cold, I always feel bad.
My body is fine and my mind is stable.
But I don't feel good.
But I won't look for help.
I'm recording.
They say time goes fast when you get old.
After 20, it's very fast.
Sometimes it's super fast.
I just went to the bathroom.
And it feels like that was 10 minutes ago.
But it was yesterday.
It's a shock.
I used to be happy when the time passed.
Next, the pain of doing something isn't while you're doing it.
It's from your memory.
So the first time isn't painful.
I knew this.
So I was using a trick.
Without thinking, I don't want to change thepainful thing.
If it's really painful, I want to change.
But I don't run from it.
I did something painful.
I remember the pain.
24:00
And I don't want to do it again.
So I do something different.
I do something harder.
My worry goes away.
Since it's different from the last time.
It doesn't feel the same.
I'm tricking my brain when I'm doing it.
I'm focusing.
So it's not painful.
I've been doing this.
It's normally, naturally not painful.
I was listening to the song.
I knew it.
But I don't love it.
But I thought this is a good song.
It felt like someone else was listening.
Then I saw the list of people who wrote the song.
One person wrote many good ones.
The song I was listening to was by that person.
It was strange.
And there were strange things.
I went to the zoo and saw a parade.
It suddenly came back to me.
Was that an army?
A band?
Music?
I was right.
This was from before I could even remember things.
It was a strange way to remember.
I don't know why that song felt strange.
It's just like any other song.
But maybe I like what that writer makes.
I thought about how I still worry about Englishand the podcast like I did when I was in religion.
I thought I still feel meaning.
But rarely using the meaning makes a contradictionin me.
That's why I'm lost.
I don't throw it away.
I just can't use it.
When I try to find meaning, it gets strange.
The tool is broken.
Also, I see people talking and I think it'sstrange.
In a big group, you don't even know.
It's strange.
But why do they do it?
It's not for attention.
I don't see the meaning.
Talking is tiring.
Why do they want to tell people things?
Just listening is easier.
I always thought this.
But maybe I can use meaning now.
Since I know life has no meaning,
I feel free.
There are songs that say life has no meaning.
So make a flower bloom.
Life has no meaning.
So make a spark.
I was surprised he wrote that.
It's religious, so he shouldn't write that.
It's a very realist song.
I don't care about lyrics.
But that touched me.
Anyway, you get nothing from games.
So there's no meaning.
But people still do it.
They feel like they did something.
It's like a show.
It's a story.
So you get nothing.
I wonder if people can feel meaning and pleasureat the same time.
27:03
So now I think everything we do feels like it hasmeaning.
We can keep doing it.
It's a place to run to.
When life is too heavy, we go there.
Like movies or books.
But life isn't all running away.
In religion, I looked for meaning too much.
I asked what's the meaning all the time.
So it was hard to feel meaning.
I was depressed, but I expected too much.
Maybe I was always a realist.
Now I can work hard because I don't look forprize.
I can understand.
I heard someone talk about dreams.
I had a dream lately.
About three months ago, there was food I like.
Bread, I think.
Right when I was going to eat, I woke up to adream like that.
A good part starts and then it ends.
Like in a show, a special food right before thegood part.
Humans can see what they don't know in drama.
Drama are just your memories.
So you don't know the detail of eating.
You don't really remember chewing or tasting.
The brain doesn't capture it well.
So you wake up before you eat.
But I see things I never dreamed.
So maybe for me, my imagination is more real thanthe real world.
I see them very clearly.
Things I've never seen before feel real in mydrama dreams.
One more thing.
Why can't we taste food?
Humans feel in the blanks, like I said, but facedduring talk.
Even if you can't hear everything you understand.
You feel in the world.
You guess what they are saving.
Scientists say the brain can't keep up withreality.
We don't see the real world.
We see what we imagine will happen.
So when we eat, we aren't just tasting.
We are using our imagination.
That's why expensive food tastes better.
If they don't use the brain, it tastes good.
You use your memory and imagination to eat.
If you close your eyes, you might not know what itis.
You use everything to feel the taste.
I always feel like I wasn't really tasting, notjust good.
30:01
But many things, the brain just says this is what's real in it.
By feeling in the blanks, I wonder if a scientistwould agree.