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Chapter 9. The Mock Turtle's Story.
You can't think how glad I am to see you again,you dear old thing, said the Duchess,
as she tucked her arm affectionately into Alice's,and they walked off together.
Alice was very glad to find her in such a pleasanttemper, and thought to herself that
perhaps it was only the pepper that had made herso savage when they met in the kitchen.
When I'm a Duchess, she said to herself, not in avery hopeful tone though,
I won't have any pepper in my kitchen at all. Soupdoes very well without,
maybe it's always pepper that makes people hot-tempered, she went on,
very much pleased at having found out a new kindof rule,and vinegar that makes them sour,
and chamomile that makes them bitter,and, andbarley sugar and such things that make
children sweet-tempered. I only wish people knewthat, then they wouldn't be so stingy about it,
you know. She had quite forgotten the Duchess bythis time, and was a little startled when
she heard her voice close to her ear. You'rethinking about something, my dear,
and that makes you forget to talk. I can't tellyou just now what the moral of that is,
but I shall remember it in a bit.Perhaps it hasn'twon, Alice ventured to remark.
Tut, tut, child, said the Duchess. Everything'sgot a moral, if only you can find it.
And she squeezed herself up closer to Alice's sideas she spoke.
Alice did not much like keeping so close to her,first, because the Duchess was very ugly,
and secondly, because she was exactly the rightheight to rest her chin upon Alice's shoulder,
and it was an uncomfortably sharp chin. However,she did not like to be rude,
so she bore it as well as she could. The game'sgoing on rather better now,
she said, by way of keeping up the conversation alittle.
"'Tis so," said the Duchess, and the moral of thatis,
oh, "'tis love, "'tis love, that makes the worldgo round."
Somebody said, Alice whispered, that it's done byeverybody minding their own business.
Ah well! It means much the same thing, said theDuchess, digging her sharp little chin into
Alice's shoulder as she added, and the moral ofthat is, take care of the sense, and the sounds
will take care of themselves. How fond she is offinding morals in things! Alice thought to
herself. I dare say you're wondering why I don'tput my arm round your waist, the Duchess said
after a pause, the reason is, that I'm doubtfulabout the temper of your flamingo. Shall I try
the experiment? He might bite, Alice cautiouslyreplied, not feeling at all anxious to have the
experiment tried. Very true, said the Duchess,flamingos and mustard both bite. And the moral of
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that is, birds of a feather flock together. Onlymustard isn't a bird, Alice remarked.
Right, as usual, said the Duchess, what a clearway you have of putting things.
It's a mineral, I think, said Alice.
Of course it is, said the Duchess, who seemedready to agree to everything that Alice said,
there's a large mustard mine near here. And themoral of that is, the more there is of mine,
the less there is of yours.
Oh I know, exclaimed Alice, who had not attendedto this last remark, it's a vegetable.
It doesn't look like one, but it is.
I quite agree with you, said the Duchess, and themoral of that is, be what you would seem to be,
or if you'd like it put more simply, never imagineyourself not to be otherwise than
what it might appear to others that what you wereor might have been was not otherwise than
what you had been would have appeared to them tobe otherwise.
I think I should understand that better, Alicesaid very politely, if I had it written down,
but I can't quite follow it as you say it.
That's nothing to what I could say if I chose, theDuchess replied, in a pleased tone.
Pray don't trouble yourself to say it any longerthan that, said Alice.
Oh, don't talk about trouble, said the Duchess. Imake you a present of everything I've said as
yet. A cheap sort of present! thought Alice. I'mglad they don't give birthday presents like that.
But she did not venture to say it out loud.
Thinking again? the Duchess asked with another digof her sharp little chin.
I've a right to think, said Alice sharply, for shewas beginning to feel a little worried.
Just about as much right, said the Duchess, aspigs have to fly, and the M.
But here, to Alice's great surprise, the Duchess'svoice died away, even in the
middle of her favourite word moral, and the armthat was linked into hers began to tremble.
Alice looked up, and there stood the Queen infront of them,
with her arms folded, frowning like athunderstorm.
A fine day, your Majesty! the Duchess began in alow, weak voice.
Now, I give you fair warning, shouted the Queen,stamping on the ground as she spoke,
either you or your head must be off, and that inabout half no time. Take your choice!
The Duchess took her choice, and was gone in amoment.
Let's go on with the game, the Queen said toAlice, and Alice was too much frightened
to say a word, but slowly followed her back to thecroquet ground. The other guests had taken
advantage of the Queen's absence, and were restingin the shade, however, the moment they
saw her, they hurried back to the game, the Queenmerely remarking that a moment's delay would cost
them their lives. All the time they were playingthe Queen never left off quarrelling with the
other players, and shouting off with his head. Oroff with her head. Those whom she sentenced
were taken into custody by the soldiers, who ofcourse had to leave off being arches to do this,
so that by the end of half an hour or so therewere no arches left, and all the players,
except the King, the Queen, and Alice, were incustody and under sentence of execution.
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Then the Queen left off, quite out of breath, andsaid to Alice,
Have you seen the mock-turtle yet?
No, said Alice. I don't even know what a mock-turtle is.
It's the thing mock-turtle soup is made from, saidthe Queen.
I never saw one, or heard of one, said Alice.
Come on, then, said the Queen, and he shall tellyou his history.
As they walked off together, Alice heard the Kingsay in a low voice, to the company generally,
You are all pardoned. Come, that's a good thing,she said to herself, for she had felt quite
unhappy at the number of executions the Queen hadordered. They very soon came upon a griffon,
lying fast asleep in the sun. If you don't knowwhat a griffon is, look at the picture, up,
lazy thing, said the Queen, and take this younglady to see the mock-turtle, and to hear his
history. I must go back and see after some executions I have ordered, and she walked off,
leaving Alice alone with the griffon. Alice didnot quite like the look of the creature,
but on the whole she thought it would be quite assafe to stay with it as to go after that savage
Queen, so she waited. The griffon sat up and rubbed its eyes, then it watched the Queen till
she was out of sight, then it chuckled. What fun,said the griffon, half to itself, half to Alice.
What is the fun? said Alice. Why, she, said the griffon. It's all her fancy, that,
they never executes nobody, you know. Come on.Everybody says come on. Here, thought Alice,
as she went slowly after it, I never was soordered about in all my life, never.
They had not gone far before they saw the mock-turtle in the distance, sitting sad and lonely
on a little ledge of rock, and, as they came nearer, Alice could hear him sighing as if his
heart would break. She pitied him deeply. What ishis sorrow? she asked the griffon,
and the griffon answered, very nearly in the samewords as before,
it's all his fancy, that, he hasn't got no sorrow,you know. Come on.
So they went up to the mock-turtle, who looked atthem with large eyes full of tears,
but said nothing. This here young lady, said thegriffon, she wants for to know your history,
she do. I'll tell it her, said the mock-turtle ina deep, hollow tone, sit down, both of you,
and don't speak a word till I've finished. So theysat down, and nobody spoke for some minutes.
Alice thought to herself, I don't see how he canever finish, if he doesn't begin. But she
waited patiently. Once, said the mock-turtle atlast, with a deep sigh, I was a real turtle.
These words were followed by a very long silence,broken only by an occasional exclamation of h-j-c-k-r-r-h.
From the griffon, and the constant heavy sobbingof the mock-turtle. Alice was very nearly getting
up and saying, thank you, sir, for yourinteresting story, but she could not help
thinking there must be more to come, so she satstill and said nothing. When we were little,
the mock-turtle went on at last, more calmly,though still sobbing a little now and then,
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we went to school in the sea. The master was anold turtle, we used to call him tortoise.
Why did you call him tortoise, if he wasn't one?Alice asked. We called him tortoise because
he taught us, said the mock-turtle angrily, reallyyou are very dull. You ought to be ashamed of
yourself for asking such a simple question, addedthe griffon, and then they both sat silent and
looked at poor Alice, who felt ready to sink intothe earth. At last the griffon said to the
mock-turtle, drive on, old fellow. Don't be allday about it. And he went on in these words.
Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you mayn't believe it.
I never said I didn't. interrupted Alice. You did,said the mock-turtle.
Hold your tongue? added the griffon, before Alicecould speak again. The mock-turtle went on.
We had the best of educations, in fact, we went toschool every day.
I've been to a day school, too, said Alice, youneedn't be so proud as all that.
With extras? asked the mock-turtle a little anxiously.
Yes, said Alice, we learned French and music.
And washing? said the mock-turtle.
Certainly not, said Alice indignantly.
Ah! then yours wasn't a really good school, saidthe mock-turtle in a tone of great relief.
Now at hours they had at the end of the billFrench, music, and washing, extra.
You couldn't have wanted it much, said Alice,living at the bottom of the sea.
I couldn't afford to learn it, said the mock-turtle with a sigh.
I only took the regular course.
What was that? inquired Alice.
Reeling and writhing, of course, to begin with,the mock-turtle replied,
and then the different branches of arithmetic,ambition, distraction, uglification and derision.
I never heard of uglification, Alice ventured tosay.
What is it? the griffon lifted up both its paws insurprise.
What? never heard of uglifying, it exclaimed.
You know what to beautify is, I suppose?
Yes, said Alice doubtfully, it means to makeanything prettier.
Well, then, the griffon went on, if you don't knowwhat to uglify is, you are a simpleton.
Alice did not feel encouraged to ask any morequestions about it,
so she turned to the mock-turtle, and said whatelse had you to learn?
Well, there was mystery, the mock-turtle replied,counting off the subjects on his flappers,
mystery, ancient and modern, with seography, thendrawing, the drawing-master was an old
conger eel that used to come once a week, hetaught us drawing, stretching, and fainting incoils.
What was that like? said Alice.
Well, I can't show it you myself, the mock-turtlesaid, I'm too stiff.
And the griffon never learnt it.
Hadn't time, said the griffon, I went to theclassics-master, though. He was an old crab,
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he was. I never went to him, the mock-turtle saidwith a sigh, he taught laughing and grief,
they used to say. So he did, so he did, said thegriffon,
sighing in his turn, and both creatures hid theirfaces in their paws.
And how many hours a day did you do lessons? saidAlice, in a hurry to change the subject.
Ten hours the first day, said the mock-turtle,nine the next, and so on.
What a curious plan, exclaimed Alice.
That's the reason they're called lessons, the griffon remarked, because they lesson from day
to day. This was quite a new idea to Alice, andshe thought it over a little before she made her
next remark. Then the eleventh day must have beena holiday? Of course it was, said the mock-turtle.
And how did you manage on the twelfth? Alice wenton eagerly.
That's enough about lessons, the griffoninterrupted in a very decided tone,
tell her something about the games now.
