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11. WHO stole the tarts?
The king and queen of hearts were seated on theirthrone when they arrived, with a great crowdassembled about them, all sorts of little birdsand beasts, as well as the whole pack of cards.
The knave was standing before them, in chains,with a soldier on each side to guard him, and nearthe king was the white rabbit, with a trumpet inone hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other.
In the very middle of the court was a table, witha large dish of tarts upon it, they looked sogood, that it made Alice quite hungry to look atthem, I wish they'd get the trial done, shethought, and hand round the refreshments.
But there seemed to be no chance of this, so shebegan looking at everything about her, to passaway the time.
Alice had never been in a court of justice before,but she had read about them in books, and she wasquite pleased to find that she knew the name ofnearly everything there.
That's the judge, she said to herself, because ofhis great wig. The judge, by the way, was theking, and as he wore his crown over the wig, lookat the frontispiece if you want to see how he didit, he did not look at all comfortable, and it wascertainly not becoming.
And that's the jury box, thought Alice, and thosetwelve creatures, she was obliged to saycreatures, you see, because some of them wereanimals, and some were birds, I suppose they arethe jurors,
she said this last word two or three times over toherself, being rather proud of it, for shethought, and rightly too, that very few littlegirls of her age knew the meaning of it at all.
However, jurymen would have done just as well. Thetwelve jurors were all writing very busily on slates.
What are they doing? Alice whispered to the griffon. They can't have anything to put down yet,before the trial's begun.
They're putting down their names, the griffonwhispered in reply, for fear they should forgetthem before the end of the trial.
Stupid things. Alice began in a loud, indignantvoice, but she stopped hastily, for the whiterabbit cried out, silence in the court.
And the king put on his spectacles and looked anxiously round, to make out who was talking.
Alice could see, as well as if she were lookingover their shoulders, that all the jurors werewriting down stupid things.
On their slates, and she could even make out thatone of them didn't know how to spell stupid,
and that he had to ask his neighbor to tell him. Anice muddle their slates'll be in before the trial's over.
Thought Alice. One of the jurors had a pencil thatsqueaked. This of course, Alice could not stand,
and she went round the court and got behind him,and very soon found an opportunity of taking itaway.
She did it so quickly that the poor little juror,it was Bill, the lizard, could not make out at all
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what had become of it, so, after hunting all aboutfor it, he was obliged to write with one
finger for the rest of the day, and this was ofvery little use, as it left no mark on the slate.
Harold, read the accusation, said the king. Onthis the white rabbit blew three blasts on the
trumpet, and then unrolled the parchment scroll,and read as follows. The queen of hearts, she made
some tarts. All on the summer day. The knave ofhearts, he stole those tarts. And took them quite
away. Consider your verdict, the king said to thejury. Not yet, not yet. The rabbit hastily
interrupted. There's a great deal to come beforethat. Call the first witness, said the king,
and the white rabbit blew three blasts on thetrumpet, and called out, First witness.
The first witness was the hatter. He came in witha teacup in one hand and a piece of bread
and butter in the other. I beg pardon, yourmajesty, he began, for bringing these in,
but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sentfor. You ought to have finished, said the king.
When did you begin? The hatter looked at the marchhare, who had followed him into the court,
arm in arm with the doormouse. Fourteenth ofMarch, I think it was, he said.
Fifteenth, said the march hare. Sixteenth, addedthe doormouse.
Write that down, the king said to the jury, andthe jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on
their slates, and then added them up, and reducedthe answer to shillings and pence.
Take off your hat, the king said to the hatter. Itisn't mine, said the hatter.
Stolen! the king exclaimed, turning to the jury,who instantly made a memorandum of the fact.
I keep them to sell, the hatter added as anexplanation, I've none of my own. I'm a hatter.
Here the queen put on her spectacles, and beganstaring at the hatter, who turned pale and
fidgeted. Give your evidence, said the king, anddon't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on
the spot. This did not seem to encourage thewitness at all, he kept shifting from one foot
to the other, looking uneasily at the queen, andin his confusion he bit a large piece out of his
teacup instead of the bread and butter. Just atthis moment Alice felt a very curious sensation,
which puzzled her a good deal until she made outwhat it was, she was beginning to grow larger
again, and she thought at first she would get upand leave the court, but on second thought she
decided to remain where she was as long as therewas room for her. I wish you wouldn't squeeze so,
said the doormouse, who was sitting next to her. Ican hardly breathe.
I can't help it, said Alice very meekly, I'mgrowing.
You've no right to grow here, said the doormouse.
Don't talk nonsense, said Alice more boldly, youknow you're growing too.
Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace, said the doormouse, not in that ridiculous fashion.
And he got up very sulkily and crossed over to theother side of the court.
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All this time the queen had never left off staringat the hatter, and, just as the doormouse
crossed the court, she said to one of the officersof the court, bring me the list of
singers in the last concert. On which the wretchedhatter trembled so, that he shook both
his shoes off. Give your evidence, the kingrepeated angrily, or I'll have you executed,
whether you're nervous or not. I'm a poor man,your majesty, the hatter began, in a trembling
voice, and I hadn't begun my tea, not above a weekor so, and what with the bread and butter
getting so thin, and the twinkling of the tea. Thetwinkling of the what? said the king.
It began with the tea, the hatter replied. Ofcourse twinkling begins with the tea,
said the king sharply. Do you take me for a dunce?Go on. I'm a poor man, the hatter went on,
and most things twinkled after that, only themarch hare said. I didn't. The march hare
interrupted in a great hurry. You did, said the hatter. I deny it, said the march hare.
He denies it, said the king, leave out that part.Well, at any rate, the doormouse said,
the hatter went on, looking anxiously round to seeif he would deny it too,
but the doormouse denied nothing being fastasleep. After that, continued the hatter,
I cut some more bread and butter. But what did thedoormouse say? One of the jury asked.
That I can't remember, said the hatter. You mustremember, remarked the king,
or I'll have you executed. The miserable hatterdropped his teacup and bread and butter,
and went down on one knee. I'm a poor man, yourmajesty, he began.
You're a very poor speaker, said the king. Hereone of the guinea pigs cheered, and was
immediately suppressed by the officers of thecourt. As that is rather a hard word, I will just
explain to you how it was done. They had a largecanvas bag, which tied up at the mouth with
strings, into this they slipped the guinea pig,head first, and then sat upon it.
I'm glad I've seen that done, thought Alice. I'veso often read in the newspapers, at the end
of trials, there was some attempt at applause,which was immediately suppressed by the officers
of the court, and I never understood what it meanttill now. If that's all you know about it,
you may stand down, continued the king. I can't gono lower, said the hatter,
I'm on the floor, as it is. Then you may sit down,the king replied.
Here the other guinea pig cheered, and wassuppressed. Come, that finished the guinea
pigs! thought Alice. Now we shall get on better. I'd rather finish my tea, said the hatter,
with an anxious look at the queen, who was readingthe list of singers.
You may go, said the king, and the hatter hurriedly left the court,
without even waiting to put his shoes on. And justtake his head off outside, the queen added
to one of the officers, but the hatter was out ofsight before the officer could get to the door.
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Call the next witness, said the king. The nextwitness was the duchess's cook.
She carried the pepper-box in her hand, and Aliceguessed who it was, even before she got
into the court, by the way the people near thedoor began sneezing all at once.
Give your evidence, said the king. Shant, said thecook.
The king looked anxiously at the white rabbit, whosaid in a low voice,
Your Majesty must cross-examine this witness.
Well, if I must, I must, the king said, with a melancholy air, and, after folding his arms
and frowning at the cook till his eyes were nearlyout of sight, he said in a deep voice,
What are tarts made of? Pepper, mostly, said thecook.
Treacle, said a sleepy voice behind her.
Collar that doormouse, the queen shrieked out. Behead that doormouse! Turn that doormouse out
of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with hiswhiskers! For some minutes the whole court was in
confusion, getting the doormouse turned out, and,by the time they had settled down again,
the cook had disappeared. Never mind, said theking, with an air of great relief.
Call the next witness. And he added in an undertone to the queen,
Really, my dear, you must cross-examine the nextwitness. It quite makes my forehead ache.
Alice watched the white rabbit as he fumbled overthe list, feeling very curious to see what
the next witness would be like, for they haven'tgot much evidence yet, she said to herself.
Imagine her surprise, when the white rabbit readout, at the top of his shrill little voice,
the name Alice.
