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アリス went timidly up to the door and knocked.
There's no sort of use in knocking, said the footman, and that for two reasons. First, because I'mon the same side of the door as you are. Secondly,because they're making such a noise inside, no onecould possibly hear you. And certainly there was amost extraordinary noise going on within, aconstant howling and sneezing, and every now andthen a great crash, as if a dish or kettle hadbeen broken to pieces.
Please, then, said Alice, how am I to get in?There might be some sense in your knocking, thefootman went on without attending to her, if wehad the door between us. For instance, if you wereinside, you might knock, and I could let you out,you know.
He was looking up into the sky all the time he wasspeaking, and this Alice thought decidedly uncivil.
But perhaps he can't help it, she said to herself,his eyes are so very nearly at the top of hishead.
But at any rate he might answer questions. How amI to get in? She repeated, aloud.
I shall sit here, the footman remarked, tilltomorrow. At this moment the door of the house
opened and a large plate came skimming out,straight at the footman's head, it just grazed
his nose, and broke to pieces against one of thetrees behind him. Or next day, maybe, the footman
continued in the same tone, exactly as if nothinghad happened. How am I to get in? asked Alice
again, in a louder tone. Are you to get in at all?said the footman. That's the first question, youknow.
It was, no doubt, only Alice did not like to betold so. It's really dreadful, she muttered to
herself, the way all the creatures argue. It'senough to drive one crazy. The footman seemed to
think this a good opportunity for repeating hisremark, with variations. I shall sit here, he
said, on and off, for days and days. But what am Ito do? said Alice. Anything you like, said the
footman, and began whistling. Oh, there's no usein talking to him, said Alice desperately, he's
perfectly idiotic. And she opened the door andwent in. The door led right into a large kitchen,
which was full of smoke from one end to the other,the duchess was sitting on a three-legged
stool in the middle, nursing a baby, the cook wasleaning over the fire, stirring a large cauldron
which seemed to be full of soup. There's certainlytoo much pepper in that soup, Alice said to
herself, as well as she could for sneezing. Therewas certainly too much of it in the air.
Even the duchess sneezed occasionally, and as forthe baby, it was sneezing and howling
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alternately without a moment's pause. The onlythings in the kitchen that did not sneeze,
were the cook and a large cat which was sitting onthe hearth and grinning from ear to ear.
Please would you tell me, said Alice, a little timidly, for she was not quite sure whether it was
good manners for her to speak first, why your catgrins like that. It's a Cheshire cat, said the
duchess, and that's why. Pig! she said the lastword with such sudden violence that Alice quite
jumped, but she saw in another moment that it wasaddressed to the baby, and not to her, so she
took courage and went on again. I didn't know thatCheshire cats always grinned, in fact, I
didn't know that cats could grin. They all can,said the duchess, and most of them do. I don't
know of any that do, Alice said very politely,feeling quite pleased to have got into a
conversation. You don't know much, said the duchess, and that's a fact. Alice did not at all
like the tone of this remark, and thought it wouldbe as well to introduce some other subject
of conversation. While she was trying to fix onone, the cook took the cauldron of soup off the
fire, and at once set to work throwing everythingwithin her reach at the duchess and the baby,
the fire irons came first, then followed a showerof saucepans, plates, and dishes. The duchess took
no notice of them even when they hit her, and thebaby was howling so much already, that it was
quite impossible to say whether the blows hurt itor not. Oh, please mind what you're doing,
cried Alice, jumping up and down in an agony ofterror. Oh, there goes his precious nose!
As an unusually large saucepan flew close by it,and very nearly carried it off.
If everybody minded their own business, the duchess said in a hoarse growl,
the world would go round a deal faster than itdoes. Which would not be an advantage,
said Alice, who felt very glad to get anopportunity of showing off a little of her
knowledge. Just think of what work it would makewith the day and night. You see the earth takes
twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis.Talking of axes, said the duchess, chop off her
head. Alice glanced rather anxiously at the cook,to see if she meant to take the hint,
but the cook was busily stirring the soup, andseemed not to be listening, so she went on again,
twenty-four hours, I think, or is it twelve? Ay!Oh, don't bother me, said the duchess,
I never could abide figures. And with that shebegan nursing her child again,
singing a sort of lullaby to it as she did so, andgiving it a violent shake at the end of every
line. Speak roughly to your little boy. And beathim when he sneezes. He only does it to annoy.
Because he knows it teases. Chorus. In which thecook and the baby joined.
Wow! Wow! Wow! While the duchess sang the secondverse of the song, she kept tossing the baby
violently up and down, and the poor little thinghowled so, that Alice could hardly hear the words.
I speak severely to my boy. I beat him when hesneezes. For he can thoroughly enjoy.
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The pepper when he pleases. Chorus.
Wow! Wow! Wow! Here. You may nurse it a bit, ifyou like. The duchess said to Alice,
flinging the baby at her as she spoke. I must goand get ready to play croquet with the queen,
and she hurried out of the room. The cook threw afrying pan after her as she went out,
but it just missed her. Alice caught the baby withsome difficulty, as it was a queer-shaped
little creature, and held out its arms and legs inall directions, just like a starfish,
thought Alice. The poor little thing was snortinglike a steam engine when she caught it, and kept
doubling itself up and straightening itself outagain, so that altogether, for the first minute
or two, it was as much as she could do to hold it.As soon as she had made out the proper way of
nursing it, which was to twist it up into a sortof knot, and then keep tight hold of its right ear
and left foot, so as to prevent its undoingitself, she carried it out into the open air.
If I don't take this child away with me, thoughtAlice, they're sure to kill it in a day or two,
wouldn't it be murder to leave it behind? She saidthe last words out loud,
and the little thing grunted in reply, it had leftoff sneezing by this time.
Don't grunt, said Alice, that's not at all aproper way of expressing yourself.
The baby grunted again, and Alice looked very anxiously into its face to see what was the
matter with it. There could be no doubt that ithad a very turnip nose, much more like a snout
than a real nose, also its eyes were gettingextremely small for a baby, altogether Alice
did not like the look of the thing at all. Butperhaps it was only sobbing, she thought and
looked into its eyes again, to see if there wereany tears. No, there were no tears.
If you're going to turn into a pig, my dear, saidAlice, seriously, I'll have nothing more to
do with you. Mind now. The poor little thing sobbed again or grunted, it was impossible to say
which, and they went on for some while in silence.Alice was just beginning to think to herself,
now, what am I to do with this creature when I getit home? When it grunted again, so violently,
that she looked down into its face in some alarm.This time there could be no mistake about it,
it was neither more nor less than a pig, and shefelt that it would be quite absurd for her tocarry
it further. So she set the little creature down,and felt quite relieved to see it trot away
quietly into the wood. If it had grown up, shesaid to herself, it would have made a dreadfully
ugly child, but it makes rather a handsome pig, Ithink. And she began thinking over other children
she knew, who might do very well as pigs, and wasjust saying to herself, if one only knew the
right way to change them, when she was a littlestartled by seeing the Cheshire cat sitting on a
few yards off. The cat only grinned when it sawAlice. It looked good-natured, she thought,
still it had very long claws and a great manyteeth, so she felt that it ought to be treated
with respect. Cheshire Puss, she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it
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would like the name, however, it only grinned alittle wider. Come, it's pleased so far,
thought Alice, and she went on. Would you tell me,please, which way I ought to go from here?
That depends a good deal on where you want to getto, said the cat.
I don't much care where, said Alice.
Then it doesn't matter which way you go, said thecat.
So long as I get somewhere, Alice added as anexplanation.
Oh, you're sure to do that, said the cat, if youonly walk long enough. Alice felt that
this could not be denied, so she tried anotherquestion. What sort of people live about here?
In that direction, the cat said, waving its rightpaw round, lives a hatter,
and in that direction, waving the other paw, livesa March Hare. Visit either you like,
they're both mad. But I don't want to go among madpeople, Alice remarked.
Oh, you can't help that, said the cat, we're allmad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
How do you know I'm mad? said Alice.
You must be, said the cat, or you wouldn't havecome here.
Alice didn't think that proved it at all, however,she went on and how do you know that you're mad?
To begin with, said the cat, a dog's not mad. Yougrant that?
I suppose so, said Alice.
Well, then, the cat went on, you see, a dog growlswhen it's angry, and wags its tail when
it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, andwag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.
I call it purring, not growling, said Alice.
Call it what you like, said the cat. Do you playcroquet with the queen today?
I should like it very much, said Alice, but Ihaven't been invited yet.
You'll see me there, said the cat, and vanished.
Alice was not much surprised at this, she wasgetting so used to queer things happening.
While she was looking at the place where it hadbeen, it suddenly appeared again.
By the by, what became of the baby? said the cat.I'd nearly forgotten to ask.
It turned into a pig, Alice quietly said, just asif it had come back in a natural way.
I thought it would, said the cat, and vanishedagain.
Alice waited a little, half expecting to see itagain, but it did not appear,
and after a minute or two she walked on in thedirection in which the March Hare was said to
live. I've seen hatters before, she said toherself, the March Hare will be much the most
interesting, and perhaps as this is May it won'tbe raving mad, at least not so mad as it was in
March. As she said this, she looked up, and therewas the cat again, sitting on a branch of a tree.
