日常の些細な出来事とYouTubeの誘惑
Time continued to flow in quiet stillness
Along the way, the phone's battery stopped at 97%for no clear reason.
It was a tiny fluctuation, never meant to berecorded.
Yet this program gathers only those small,meaningless shifts.
First off, I decided not to watch YouTube, but I've been following the incident in Kyoto becauseof that.
I couldn't help seeing a video about the trainaccident, and the related video kept popping up.
I wanna watch them, but that feeling made me wannawatch them even more.
I guess humans evolved to the things we aren'tsupposed to.
確認癖と神経質な性格
It's been tough lately.
Next, I have to check things over and over.
It might be because how my brain is made.
I messed up my recording earlier.
I talked so much and was so into it.
So I'm really sad.
Now I'm recording at night.
I really wanna talk about this checking problem.
First, the most important thing is that there's nogood point in fixing it.
I know that, so I don't feel like fixing it.
Even if this sickness goes away, the way my brainis won't change.
Even if I stop checking things, it doesn't mean Ican work.
I don't even really think of it as a sickness.
I think it's just how my brain works.
I'm either too nervous or I don't care aboutanything at all.
Even if I fix this, I'll just become someone whodoesn't care.'
Cause I didn't care about things before.I
had a hard time in school.When
I fix this and stop caring, I might go back outinto the world.'
Cause I think I'll be okay.
But I'll just have a hard time again.
I told my mom many times, but she didn'tunderstand.
She didn't understand that I can work.
I want her to understand, but she doesn't.
Also, if I fix this checking problem,
I'll feel free and be able to do more.
Then I'll start wanting things, and I'll reallysuffer.
I know that will happen.
If I try to fix it, I can do more.
But I want more to end in that problem.
Humans become fit for their environment.
People who stay home all the time naturally becomenervous.
If I didn't have this brain, maybe I wouldn't beso nervous.
But anyway, if I stayed home, my senses are verycheap.'
Cause I'm always home.
Being nervous and checking things is like havingstrong rules or being very clean.
Fixing this is risky.
There are things in life you can try and thingsyou should never try.
If you try something, then you can stop.
Like smoking once, it's bad for me.
宗教を捨てた後の虚無感と生きる意味
I'm empty because I quit my religion, and I alsofeel down.
People who quit religion usually look for a newsafe, or they start attacking it.
They just get really angry.
I didn't become like that.
I just feel life has no meaning.
I decided to keep living.
Even though it feels pointless, I'm living onething, two different things.
Life has no meaning.
But I'm living. I'm just hanging on.
It's like I'm alive but not alive.
Just getting through each day is enough.
If I try to fix my checking problem,
there's too much risk.
I might feel like I want to stop living.
I think just being alive is enough.
My low mood and my checking problem are like thetwo wheels of a car.
I feel like pointless, but my strict routine keepsmy life going.
If I stay in bed even once,
I can't go back.
I told my mom it's no use going to the hospitalunless the way my brain is changed.
She says I look like I'm suffering.
But I'll be suffering as long as I'm home anyway.
If I get better, I'll want to do things or go outand get more painful.
Thinking I'm at work is the biggest problem.
I have so much pain from the past and my brain ismade this way.
So that's what I'm most afraid of.
I don't know what the problem is or why I can'tthink with the world.
If I try to work, I'll just end up back home orhaving a worse ending.
夕食の記録とポテトサラダ
For dinner, I had boiled dish like Hokkaido Oden.
The carrot, radish, and chicken were good.
There were mice fish too.
It was the best porridge dish lately.
The potato salad was maybe the best thing today.
Usually I get used to the taste, but today it wasgood until the end.
Every place has its own way of making potatosalad.
The cucumber was great too.
I also had kimchi.
録音ミスと自己肯定的な思考法
I always check the record button as well.
What I missed is this one time, but out of ahundred, I feel something scary more than just badluck.
I don't know who I am.
Not it's myself or what I can throw this angeranywhere, but I feel my luck is really bad.
I remembered one more thing I forgot is for a bitcause I messed up the recording hours ago.
Everyone has a main way of thinking.
Even when I feel or regret something while I wasstrict with myself, I feel it was okay.
Why look at it from a different side.
It wasn't a waste of time.
If humans can eat and go to the bathroom,
everything else is a small worry.
If I'm strict with myself, I don't think it's awaste.
That's a bit of a weird way to think, but even ifI'm not strict,
if I can follow my curiosity and have fun, that'sokay too.
Our way of thinking is mainly curious and verycomplex.
Something I regret a lot might not be something Ineed to regret.
I feel like I'm looking at things from a wideview.
It's like I'm looking at myself from far away.
Humans are just cells.
We eat and go to the bathroom.
If we are healthy, other worries don't changemuch.
I can live cause that.
No matter how much I worry, I can still live.
Everything other than eating and going to thebathroom is a tiny thing.
I'm not trying to say worries are nothing.
I have a lot of worries and I regret things a lot.
But when I see it from another side, it's not sobad.
It's like being on the first side, I'm into it.
But as long as I eat and go to the bathroom,
there's no problem with some animals.
It wasn't a big deal.
過去の失敗と繰り返されるパターン
I was thinking about my school days when I failed.
I become very nervous.
I'm checking things many times now.
Cause I failed the recording in school.
I'd be very careful with a new phone.
But then I stop caring and fail again.
I become nervous and then stop caring again.
I'm doing that now.
When life doesn't change, I lose my focus alittle.
I can't act right.
I fail.
It's like making a mistake in sports.
It's strange.
You think that with more routines and no change,
it would be easy even who you think.
But other things, it's the opposite.
