I mentioned observing things too much, beingsensitive and anxiety.
Anxiety seem to be a big worry for people, justlike depression or even more.
That's why such a program get lost.
I found another trait, anxiety.
I had anxiety since I was kid.
Do I need to put this in the program descriptiontoo?
Yes, I'm recording here now.
The tool had a bug again.
I tried fix it, but it didn't work.
I didn't know what to do.
More than 10 years ago, had my mom look up
what jobs I could do on the computer.
Now I have a smartphone, so I can look things upmyself.
I thought about looking for path for the futureagain.
What if I start doing that?
It'll go on forever.
So I stopped before opening Pandora box.
I'll probably just end up the hospital anyway.
It's decided that I'll go to the hospital for myillness.
I don't get money for my disorder, and I don't getgovernment help.
So there's no point looking.
Before, I tried do internet business many times,but it didn't work.
Also, my mom looked up where the high school kidnext door goes to school.
It felt creepy to look into people like that.
So I stopped, but I was curious.
I guess also an idol didn't wear makeup during heronline fan meeting.
I kept thinking about why.
Maybe her time was different from others, but that's not it.
I couldn't figure it out.
But I got the answer.
There was no real reason.
It was shocking to me that she did it withoutmakeup.
I'll talk about what happened today.
I thought someone was in front of the house, butno one was there.
I saw a ghost for the first time in my life.
Buried with a bag.
It looked like a hat.
It looked so much like a person that I reallythought it was a ghost.
Also, a politician got into trouble.
I guessed what happened, and it was rightyesterday.
After the personality test, I went to Spotify andfound a podcast talking about that test.
It was an MBTI, but another test.
That's strange.
The chance of that happening is too low.
It makes me feel bad.
Maybe I have some strange power.
This is a daydream or drama.
But in high school, I was playing dolls with thisguy.
We went to karaoke.
I was a bit late.
I said, sorry, sorry, but he didn't say anything.
He didn't look mad, just no reaction.
I wonder if he thought he didn't need to answersomeone like me.
Even though we were playing dolls, I don'tunderstand him.
Also, at my old boy's school, some older girlsstarted thinking about adult things.
I wonder what I would think if girls talked aboutthat now.
And what I should have done back then.
I was daydreaming about it.
Maybe I should have looked up and acted like I wasthinking hard about their question.
I panicked back then.
Yesterday, I talked about how the personalities ofthe male and female celebrities are similar in theMBTI.
It wasn't just their personalities, but theirvibes and intelligence seemed similar, whichsurprised me.
Also about time.
Physicists study time, and they have differentviews on it.
But time is something humans made.
We made clocks to have a steady rhythm to makelife easy.
But clocks aren't time itself.
Time is just something we made.
Today, I thought we'd think hard not to changewhat's in front of us.
But for the future, we'd think now, so we won'tregret them later.
We think we're living now, but we're actuallyliving in the future since there's no real time.
This happens. We do things now, so we won't regretthem.
So we're living in the future.
We can think about time because of memory.
I think memory is boring because it's just savinginformation.
We go back and forth in time because of memory.
Even without trying to remember the past or thinkabout the future, we live by going back and forth.
Time is just that.
But we can only live now.
The past is just memory.
The future is just what we think is coming.
We just have a sense of time on our Earth.
Like I said before, if you go near a broken hole,you feel like the future is falling on you.
There's no freedom in space, but there is in time.
I don't know if I'm saying this well.
For example, I don't find meaning in some dailythings, but I know I'll have trouble or regret itlater if I don't do them.
I act by guessing.
The future or cause of past failures does mean I'mnot living the time in front of me now.
It feels like I'm warping.
My mind is always going here and there.
Living without the future or feeling like I'malready living in the future, I don't find meaningin what's in front of me.
But I see what will happen in the future if I door don't do it.
I think the past changes completely.
I easily regret things.
But sometimes those failures feel very small.
Sometimes I think that was a good time or I'm gladit happened.
I can guess that even my being a shut-in mightfeel like it was meant to be or that it was good.
But strange things happen to me.
I'm trying to remember, but I couldn't before.
In elementary school, I think I didn't go to someevent or I failed at it.
It turned out fine in the end and it had to happenthat way.
At first, I thought it was a failure, but thingswere guided well.
I remember that.
I've been recording in Spanish, but then I thoughtIndonesian would be better or maybe Portuguese.
Then I looked at the market data again.
It was totally different from before.
It felt like a trick.
The numbers are different depending on the data.
What I saw today was totally different frombefore.
It says there are many in America, the UK, Canadaand Australia too.
So it's different from what I heard.
Also Germany seemed to be good for personalphilosophy.
Germany has many people who listen to the radio.
Before, I cared about how to make things useful,not just getting information, but getting thingsthat help me.
Since I looked for meaning too much,
I didn't think about enjoying things.
When I listened to the podcast before, I wouldchoose some things for learning.
But because of my perfectionism,
when I listened to this and that, I wondered whatthe point is and stopped.
So maybe I'm better at keeping things going nowthan before.
In the MVP I tested yesterday, the person close tome, my type was similar to me in many ways.
You can also see a little bit with your type, Idon't know, but fitting well.
But the celebrity I thought was really nice turnedout to be that type.
It's scary because it's really like I'm being seenthrough.
Also my ISTJ type is similar.
And many are only children.
There is probably no link, but maybe it's easy tobecome ISTJ.
I don't think there's a link.
An only child in show business might have ISTJtendencies.
Also on YouTube, a Korean person who just debutedwas singing Utada Hikaru's song,
who I had to sing in Korean while playing thepiano.
I couldn't do it.
This person can do English and Japanese, play thepiano and sing very well.
I was moved.
I don't usually get moved by music, because I havea strength like dyslexia.
Most songs make me think, oh, here we go again.
And it bothers me.
I had a fast-forward TV music show, so I onlytrained my patience.
There is a female celebrity.
I don't like her this way, but she's more on theside I like.
She's treated like a big star.
And when I looked up why she's so popular,
she turned out to be amazing.
She wanted to join the baseball club elementaryschool, even though she's a girl.
And she also joined a comedy group.
She's the opposite of me.
I envy how she goes her own way.
It was shocking to see someone like her.
Many people seem to wonder she's treated like sucha big star.
There are many people like that on TV who I don'tunderstand why they are there.
There must be a reason.
But when she was at her peak, she went overseasfor charity.
I never think celebrity is great.
But going when she was making money fromcommercial is amazing.
She must have a personality that's just good forthings.
It feels like a waste.
But I don't think she's fake.
Nor do I think she's great.
I just think that's her nature.
I think people who do charity are amazing.
But I don't understand them.
I just think they find meaning there.
In her case, she probably just went withoutthinking.
She probably want to save people by nature.
But because people like her, the world works well.
There aren't many volunteers in Japan.
But the world works because there's helpfulpeople.
I'm recording at night now.
I've been interested in Kabuki families and lookedthem up.
It turned out people from different families arein the same show.
I was moved and shocked again.
Today, it was shocking because they have differentfamily story.
And I thought they were rivals.
But they do the same show.
You don't see this in sports.
I dislike Rakugo, but I like Kabuki.
When I became a shut-in,
I was interested in it for a while.
When Rakugo players were on the radio,
I changed the station because I hated it.
Rakugo is also traditional.
I guess more than 10 years ago.
I already listened to NHK radio in the morning.
I listened to Kyogen and know without knowing whatthey meant.
Everything sounded the same.
It was good training for my mind.
Also during meals,
rarely I feel I shouldn't look toward the housenext door
because I hate it.
This kind of obsessive thought seems common amongpeople who are in religion.
They feel something bad will happen if they dosomething.
Also when things go well,
there are no mistakes in my routine.
I get scared and stiff in my religion.
They thought that when things go well,
bad thoughts come out and we should be careful
that foolish teaching is probably the cause.
But religion itself isn't bad.
But still many people get sick after leavingreligion.
So children shouldn't be put into religion.
Rarely the wife of the suspect in the incident
was relying on a spirit medium.
People shouldn't get into fortune tellers either.
Religion is the same.
I understand the feeling of wanting to rely onsomething.
I see that myself,
even with small things,
I feel I'm relying on them.
Like if I do this,
it will be fine.
You are tired of no way out.
You want to rely on something.
Someone relies on small things.
I think it would be easy if I could rely onsomething.
It's a healthy way to deal with things,
but I'm careful for you to rely on something.
The spirit is waiting for you later.
Like I have a lot this week,
so I'll drink expensive coffee every day.
That's right.
But you might fall into hating yourself
or you might ask someone for advice
and do exactly what they say.
For dinner,chicken cutlet.
I think I like chicken cutlet more than pork cutlet.
I want to try lamb cutlet too.
The cabbage,Chinese cabbage and eggplant today
were probably the best in recent years.
I think the eggplant was just grilled.
The onion and the potato from Seiko Mart yesterday
were cheap and delicious.
I couldn't taste much today.
Tofu.
Today I mean tofu with more soybeans,
but today of all days,it tastes like usual.
I wanted to taste just the tofu,
but today I couldn't taste it at all,
even though I used fewer soybeans.
Now in the middle of the night,
I wanted to go downstairs,
but I couldn't go down no matter how many times Iknocked.
Sometimes my mom is in the bath,
so I can't call her many times.
Today was fine,but I care about those things.
Today I want to explain a rule with a concreteexample.
When I listen to podcasts,
even if there are episodes left,
I have a rule that I shouldn't go to the nextshow,
otherwise I feel things won't go well,
but I forget.
If things won't go well,
why do that,
or if I shouldn't do that.
I have strange rules,
I have many rules,
and it's troublesome to have many of them,
but I can't get rid of them completely.
Kabuki actors pass down their styles to theirchildren,
but in Chinatown,
the taste changes for Japanese people.
Do things get passed down to the next generationwell?
Do I have something to have behind it,
which I'd be ashamed of?
I'm recording now.
I have a guess and a dream about Shofie Ohtani.
He probably didn't care about the recording forthis season,
but he thinks evolution might change,
with just today's game,
that state of mind is based from who I am.
Rather than looking for a season record,
Ichiro also said he focused on one aspect,
but this is different.
It's a feeling that today's game might changeeverything,
but that's not enough,
and I forget what I thought after that.
I do my podcast with that same spirit.
I've been a shut-in for about 17 years,
but I've only recorded for 2 years.
That's so frustrating.
I wish I started earlier,
but it's good that my personality got a bit softerthan when I was 20,
so I can do it with this mindset now.
Also,Japanese sports players overseas always usean interpreter after many years.
Since they're talking about themselves,
they could speak even with broken English,
but they use an interpreter.
It means you have to use one even after manyyears.
I think not even one in a thousand Japanese peoplecan actually speak English well.
What do you think?
It's not that sports players are not smart.
The people we see on YouTube,
on TV,
who speak well,
either live there was cute or just that was in athousand.
TV makes us misunderstand things.
It's scary how we get influenced by TV
and think that celebrities or singers are amazing
just because they gather people.
It's a scary thing.
It's scary.