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Have you ever felt anxious about a problem andthen you started feeling anxious about being
anxious?
That happens to me all the time, Martin. I getstressed and then I think,
why am I not calm? Everyone else on Instagramlooks so calm.
Exactly, and then you feel like a failure becauseyou aren't happy every single minute.
It is exhausting. Well, friends, today we aregoing to fix that.
We are diving deep into Mark Manson's book, TheSubtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.
This book is a bit of a slap in the face, isn'tit?
It is, but it is a refreshing slap. It tells usthat trying to be positive all the time
is actually making us miserable. Today we aregoing to learn why pain is necessary.
We will learn why you are not special. And we willlearn how to choose the right
things to suffer for. It sounds intense,
but I promise it will be fun. Are you ready tostop trying so hard to be happy?
Welcome to your English Toolbox, your slow Englishpodcast where we train your ears step by step.
I am Julia. And I am Martin.
Before we start, I want to ask you one quickfavor.
If you learned something new today, please leave acomment after listening.
Comments are extremely important because platformsonly support podcasts with active communities.
Your comment helps our show grow, reach morelearners, and keep this project alive.
So, friends, let's get started.
Part 1. The Feedback Loop from Hell
Martin, let's start with this concept of thefeedback loop from hell.
It is a great name for a terrible feeling.
Explain it to our friends who are listening.
Okay, imagine this scenario. You have aconfrontation with a colleague at work.
Okay, I am imagining it.
You go home, and you feel a bit angry and a bitanxious.
That is a normal reaction.
Yes, but then you start thinking about your anger.You think,
I shouldn't be this angry. I should be more zen. Ishould be more professional.
And then you get angry at yourself for beingangry.
Exactly. Now you have two layers of anger.
And it spirals down and down.
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Manson calls this the feedback loop from hell.
In modern society, we have this idea thateverything must be okay all the time.
Social media shows us everyone living amazing,happy lives.
So when we feel bad, we think something is wrongwith us.
But Manson has a solution called the backwardslaw.
This is from the philosopher Alan Watts, right?
Yes, the law says,
The desire for a more positive experience isitself a negative experience.
That is a bit of a tongue twister.
Let me say it again.
Wanting to be happy makes you unhappy because itreminds you that you are not happy.
But the opposite is also true.
Accepting your negative experience isparadoxically a positive experience.
So if I say to myself, I feel like rubbish today,and that is fine, I will actually feel better?
Yes, because you stopped the loop.
You stopped fighting the pain.
Friends, ask yourselves a question right now.
When you feel bad, do you beat yourself up for it?
Or do you let it be?
The first step to not giving a fuck is realizingthat it is okay to not be okay.
On to the art of subtlety.
So, Martin, does this mean we should just not careabout anything?
No, and this is where people misunderstand thebook.
They think it is about being indifferent.
Like a teenager rolling their eyes at everything.
Exactly.
Manson clarifies that not giving a fuck does notmean being indifferent.
It means being comfortable with being different.
It means you are willing to look failure in theface and say,
I don't care if I fail, I am doing this anyway.
So, it is about courage, not apathy.
Precisely.
He talks about three subtleties in the book.
Subtlety number one is what we just said.
Don't be indifferent.
Subtlety number two is my favorite.
Tell us about it.
To not care about adversity, you must care aboutsomething more important than adversity.
This makes so much sense.
Imagine you are at the grocery store.
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Okay.
There is an old lady screaming at the cashierbecause her coupon expired.
We have all seen that.
Why is she so angry about a 30-cent coupon?
Probably because she doesn't have anything else toworry about.
Exactly.
She doesn't have a big project or a passion or agoal that consumes her energy.
So, her world shrinks down to that coupon.
If you find yourself getting angry at traffic orannoying comments on the internet,
it is probably because you don't have anythingbigger going on.
You need to find something fuck-worthy to focuson.
Friends, what are you focusing your energy ontoday?
Is it something that really matters?
Or is it just the noise of daily life?
And finally, subtlety number three.
Whether you realize it or not, you are alwayschoosing what to care about.
We have a limited amount of fucks to give.
Exactly.
Think of your energy like a bank account.
You can spend it on being angry at the weather.
Or you can spend it on building your career orloving your family.
Maturity is simply the process of learning to onlyspend your energy on things that truly matter.
Part three.
Happiness is solving problems.
Now let's talk about happiness again.
Everyone wants it, but nobody seems to know how tokeep it.
Manson argues that happiness is not something youachieve.
It is not a trophy you win and put on a shelf.
No. Happiness is an activity.
What kind of activity?
Happiness is the activity of solving problems.
But Martin, I hate problems.
I know, Julia, but listen to this.
Life is essentially an endless series of problems.
That sounds depressing.
It isn't if you look at it the right way.
The solution to one problem is merely the creationof the next problem.
Can you give us an example?
Sure. Let's say you have the problem of being outof shape.
Okay.
So you join a gym and solve that problem.
But now I have the problem of having to wake upearly and sweat and be sore.
Exactly. Or you have the problem of not having apartner.
So you find a boyfriend.
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And now you have the problem of compromising ondinner plans and dealing with his messy habits.
I see what you mean.
The problems never stop. They just change.
So true happiness comes when you find the problemsyou enjoy having.
Manson introduces a funny character called theDisappointment Panda.
I loved that part.
The panda goes door to door telling people harshtruths.
And the truth here is that suffering isbiologically useful.
Pain is nature's way of telling us to payattention.
If we try to numb the pain, we kill the motivationto solve the problem.
So, friends, here is the most important questionof the book.
Don't ask yourself, what do I want to enjoy?
Ask yourself, what pain do I want to sustain?
Everyone wants the gold medal.
But not everyone wants the years of training.
Everyone wants the CEO salary.
But not everyone wants the 60-hour work weeks andthe stress.
Friends, be honest with yourselves.
Are you in love with the result or are you in lovewith the process?
Because if you don't love the climb, you won'tenjoy the view from the top.
Part 4. You are not special.
Martin, this next chapter is a bit controversial.
It attacks the self-esteem movement.
We grew up hearing that we are all special andextraordinary.
And Manson says that is a lie.
Ouch.
He argues that, by definition, most of us areaverage at most things.
That is just statistics.
Only a tiny percentage of people are the best atanything.
But we feel like being average is an insult.
That is the danger.
If you believe you must be extraordinary to beworthy...
Then you will view being average as a failure.
And since we are average at 99% of things, we willconstantly feel like failures.
He talks about the entitlement trap.
It comes in two forms, right?
Yes. Form 1.
I am awesome and you all suck, so I deservespecial treatment.
Form 2.
I suck and I am a victim, so I deserve specialtreatment.
Both are forms of selfishness.
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Both are ways to demand attention.
The antidote is accepting that you are plain andordinary.
That sounds boring, Martin.
It is actually liberating.
How so?
Once you accept that you don't need to cure canceror go to the moon to be valuable.
You can start to appreciate the simple things.
A good meal.
A laugh with a friend.
Reading a book.
Helping a neighbor.
These things become enough.
Friends, do you feel pressure to be amazing?
What would happen if you gave yourself permissionto be normal?
You might find that life suddenly becomes muchlighter.
Part 5.
Shitty Values vs. Good Values
This is probably the most practical part of thebook.
It is about how to choose our values.
Manson compares the human mind to an onion.
Layers upon layers.
Layer 1 is understanding your emotions.
Knowing what you feel.
Layer 2 is asking why you feel that way.
But Layer 3 is the deepest.
It is asking, why do I consider this a success ora failure?
This is where our values live.
If your values are poor, your life will be poor.
He gives us a list of shitty values, doesn't he?
Yes, let's go through them.
First one.
Pleasure.
Pleasure is great but it is a terrible life value.
It is temporary.
It is a byproduct of happiness, not the cause.
Second one.
Material success.
Research shows that once your basic needs are met,money doesn't make you happier.
Third one.
Always being right.
Oh, I know people like this.
If you value being right, you will fight to thedeath to defend your ignorance.
You will never learn anything new.
And finally, staying positive.
As we discussed, this leads to denial andrepression.
So, Martin, what are the good values?
Good values have three characteristics.
One, they are reality based.
Two, they are socially constructive.
Three, they are immediate and controllable.
Let's give our friends an example.
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A bad value is, I want everyone to like me.
You cannot control that.
It relies on other people.
A good value is, I want to be honest with others.
You can control that right now.
Even if they don't like you, you succeeded in yourvalue of being honest.
Another bad value.
I want to be the richest person in my office.
That depends on the economy and your boss.
A good value, I want to do my best work today.
You see the difference?
Good values put the power back in your hands.
Friends, think about something that is stressingyou out.
Ask yourself, what value is causing this stress?
Is it a value you can control?
Or are you trying to control the uncontrollable?
Part six, radical responsibility.
We move on to a concept that changed my life.
Radical responsibility.
Manson makes a huge distinction between fault andresponsibility.
We often think they are the same thing.
But they are not.
He uses a very vivid example.
Imagine you wake up one morning and find a baby onyour doorstep.
It is not your fault the baby is there.
You didn't put it there.
But it is now your responsibility.
You have to choose what to do.
You can call the police.
You can feed it.
You can panic.
Whatever you do, you are making a choice.
You cannot avoid responsibility.
Even doing nothing is a choice.
Many people make themselves miserable by obsessingover fault.
It is my ex-husband's fault I am unhappy.
It is the economy's fault I am poor.
It might be true that it is their fault.
But blaming them doesn't fix your problem.
Responsibility is about who has to fix it.
Your ex broke your heart.
His fault.
Your responsibility to heal and move on.
The government ruined the economy.
Their fault.
Your responsibility to adjust your budget and findwork.
This sounds harsh, Martin.
It is empowering, Julia.
How so?
Because if you are responsible, you are in thedriver's seat.
He uses a poker analogy.
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You don't get to choose the cards you are dealt.
That is luck.
But you are 100% responsible for how you playthem.
The best players can win with a terrible hand.
And the worst players can lose with a great hand.
Friends, are you blaming someone else for yoursituation?
How would it feel to say,
This sucks, but it is my job to fix it.
Art 7.
Failure and the Do-Something Principle.
I love this next rule because it helps when I feelstuck.
We often think motivation works in a straightline.
Inspiration leads to motivation, which leads toaction.
So we sit around waiting for inspiration tostrike.
We wait to feel like doing it.
But Manson says it is a loop.
Action leads to inspiration, which leads tomotivation.
If you lack motivation, don't wait.
Just do something.
Anything.
Even a tiny action.
If you need to write a book, write one sentence.
That one sentence will inspire you to write thenext.
Action is not just the effect of motivation, it isthe cause of it.
This also changes how we view failure.
Failure is just part of the process.
If you aren't failing, you aren't trying anythingnew.
He talks about how Picasso painted thousands ofbad paintings to get the masterpieces.
We only see the masterpieces.
But the failure was the path to the success.
Friends, is there a project you areprocrastinating on?
Don't wait for the perfect moment.
Just do one small thing today.
And watch the motivation follow.
Part 8. Death and Legacy
We have arrived at the final chapter.
And it is about death.
It seems dark, but it is actually the mostbeautiful part of the book.
Manson talks about the denial of death.
Humans are the only animals who know we are goingto die.
This creates a deep terror in us.
So we create immortality projects.
We try to put our names on buildings, or havechildren, or create art.
We want something to live on after we are gone.
We distract ourselves with trivial nonsense toavoid thinking about the end.
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But Manson says acknowledging death is the key toliving.
Why?
Because it strips away the fluff.
When you realize you could die tomorrow, you stopcaring about your embarrassing haircut.
You stop caring about what your neighbor thinks ofyour car.
You only care about what is truly important.
Manson tells a story about visiting a cliff inSouth Africa.
The Cape of Good Hope.
He stood on the edge and looked down at the ocean.
He had been depressed and suicidal in the past.
But in that moment, facing the reality of death,he felt a strange peace.
He realized he was not the center of the universe.
This is called ego death.
It sounds scary, but it is liberating.
When you realize you are small, your problemsbecome small too.
You are free to just be.
As the Stoic said, memento mori.
Remember you must die.
It is not meant to make you sad.
It is meant to make you focus.
Friends, if this was your last day, would you careabout the things you are worrying about right now?
Probably not.
So why care about them now?
Live for what matters.
Love the people around you.
Do work that you are proud of.
And let the rest go.
Clusion.
Wow, Martin.
That was a journey.
It really is a powerful book.
Let's recap the main points for our friends.
1. Trying to be happy makes you unhappy.
Embrace the struggle.
2. Choose your problems.
Find the pain you enjoy.
3. You are not special and that is okay.
4. Values matter.
Choose values you can control.
5. Take radical responsibility for everything inyour life.
6. If you are stuck, just do something.
And 7. Remember death to truly live.
I feel like I need to go look at my life anddelete some shitty values.
I think we all do, Julia.
It is a constant process.
Friends, we hope this summary helps you navigateyour week with a little less stress.
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And a little more focus.
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