00:07
It ended in the middle last time. It ended in themiddle last time.
I read that Olympics handed tens of thousands ofcondoms. I read that Olympics handed tens ofthousands of condoms.
I doubt why would they need that many at theOlympics. I doubt why would they need that many atthe Olympics.
I checked an article, and I knew it was common. Ichecked an article, and I knew it was common.
But even then, it still doesn't make sense to me.
Maybe they're fighting loneliness or stress, andthey're shy it happened.
And that's why it happened. I don't really get it.
Even after the Games, I mean, what are they doingwith someone who doesn't even speak theirlanguage?
And why are the Olympics banned? I really don'tunderstand.
Now, something a bit philosophical. After I quitreligion, I became more nihilistic.
And after I stopped holding on the strangeillusion, I think I became free.
Before that, I was desperately trying to convincemyself that God exists.
But once that pressure disappeared, I guess Ibecame free in a way, not good or bad, just free.
I also realized there are no real hope or meaningin life.
God, morality, purpose, they're all just illusionsthat people can get lost in.
I used to rely on them, but at some point, theystarted hurting me instead.
So I began accepting that the world isunreasonable if life has no meaning.
Then do we live anyway? Or is there no need tolive?
Philosophers are split on this. People online aresplit too.
It's a normal question. No matter how hard youwork, money is killed, everything disappearseventually.
If nothing continues, then what's the point?
Like money, if it all disappears someday, why saveit?
It's a natural thought. There's a theory likethat.
But I think someone has a real death experience.
They'll never want to die again.
I once registered with the Swiss Insomnia group,and then I realized my mind wasn't okay.
03:02
I knew because I started reaching for religionagain.
When I'm mentally unstable, I go back to religion.
That's how I knew I shouldn't end myself, end mylife.
Still, I can't explain it well.
If everything disappears someday, why keep living?
I don't know, but I can live halfway.
I can say, whatever, I'll just live for now.
Because living means I might get kidnapped, getinto an accident, lose my sight, and then I'dregret living.
So living requires real commitment.
That's not the only reason, but it's part of it.
At some point, I decided I should live.
If both choices, living or dying, lead to the sameend, why make a huge change?
So I keep living as a continuation of what's beendoing.
That feels like the most reasonable answer.
Maybe it's biological instinct.
Maybe it's just fear of death.
But if it were only fear, that would feel pathetic, so it's not that.
Living my life fully became my rule.
I haven't thought about ending my life for yearsnow.
It's strange when I think about it.
Next topic.
Buddha and Nietzsche have different ideas.
Or maybe Nietzsche is closer to Buddha.
Both say life has no meaning and the self doesn'texist.
Self doesn't exist.
More precisely, there's no solid, permanent self.
Everything is always changing.
That's what no self and impermanence mean.
So not only is there no meaning, there's no you tobegin with.
But Buddhists today can say life has no meaning.
Even though Buddha is the foundation, modern Buddhists feel apathetic to Buddha.
Maybe because there are many sects, but most ofthem are basically religion.
06:00
Buddha wasn't a religious person.
So why is Buddhism, which is supposed to be basedon him, so different?
Maybe it's human weakness.
People want everything and meaning.
People want meaning.
Buddha said there is no self.
But then Buddhists talk about reincarnation.
That idea originally meant everything isconnected.
When someone dies, they return to the earth andthe other life grows from that.
Not that the soul travels somewhere.
People took it too far.
I once saw a documentary about a table called theHanza.
They don't have a concept of post or future, onlythe present.
So they don't feel anxiety.
If there's no future or past, there's nothing tofear.
So if we didn't force ourselves to find meaning,
we wouldn't suffer from the lack of meaning.
People chase meaning, get saved by something, thenlose its gain.
Again, it becomes zero in the end.
I remember something else.
A lot of people suffer in life and read self-helpbooks, business books,
spiritual books, religion books.
My friend's family was like that.
My family too.
They search for the real truth.
It's fine for a diet book.
But there's no real truth in life.
When people are suffering, their intelligencedrops.
They think this is the real answer.
But there's no such thing.
It's 1 a.m.
I slept a few hours.
But then I started thinking about the podcastdescription again.
My head hurts.
My body feels bad.
Before thinking like this for days would destroymy stomach.
I don't know what will happen this time.
Maybe I'll get sick again.
Today I watched a video of a famous actor at thedepartment store
and the manager was holding a cake box.
And when the actor said,
I feel bad making you hold that,
the manager panicked
and trying to hand it to a young worker.
The actor panicked too.
I doubt this guy has no social skills.
09:01
Those moments reveal everything.
His voice was rough too.
And I wondered if I'll still be able to record mypodcast.
If my voice becomes like that someday.
There's a Nogizaka member who goes to TokyoUniversity of the Arts.
People say they're smart because she goes there.
But the arts department is more about talent andluck than academic ability.
She's smart because she went to the top gradschool.
That's the real reason.
People misunderstand that.
I looked it up before, but it didn't help.
I often worry about losing my hearing.
I realize something.
Even though I say no illusion,
I still have illusions,
like thinking if I lose my hearing,
my English study will be meaningless.
But if there's no afterlife,
then nothing has meaning anyway.
I remembered that nothing matters in the end.
I accept that and still live.
Also when the heart stops,
nothing ends because nothing starts.
There's a play called Waiting for Godot.
Two homeless men wait for someone named Godot.
A boy appeared and said,
Godot can't come today.
The second act is the same.
Some say Godot is God, God, God.
Some say Godot is death.
Life is just killing time until death arrived.
Waiting for Godot gives them hope and disappears.
Just like life.
That's much my philosophy.
I don't like novels or plays,
but this one is interesting.
