意図せざるサバティカル
Hey Len.
Hey Asami.
What's going on? What's on your mind?
What is on my mind is our episode from Nai-chan's DM that we just talked about
and how she had just shared with us that she has a sabbatical and you know some musings about it.
And I'm thinking about well my unintentional sabbatical you know I wasn't planning to take
a sabbatical but it has kind of became a sabbatical. Right. Yeah so well if people have been listening to
this podcast for a while they might be wondering how the fuck is Asami going to all these places
like just chilling? Like does she work? The answer is I don't at this moment. Surprise!
Surprise! Surprise! Probably not a surprise at all if you actually gave any thoughts about like
you know how she's actually doing this. You could have been some sort of one of those impressive
nomad remote worker type things I mean people do it. As an experimentalist yeah. Yeah you just have
to like get a robot to run it for you in the lab right. I mean that's like so I'm I know we don't
have a bell for this yet but this is definitely like slash sarcasm bell like ting ting ting ting.
This is that happening right now so please continue. Please tell us how did that happen?
How did you end up in this situation? All right we'll see. So I like many other people in like
the earlier part of 2025 was faced with sudden upheaval and attack to the higher education system
in the United States and me being a postdoc, me working on a certain topic of research which
in my mind has nothing absolutely to do with what the current US president is trying to demolish
in America but it still you know was a reason for a budget cut and one day I received an email
I'm almost quoting here saying that my project is no longer in accordance with President Trump's
furthering of his agenda yeah uh whatever that means and my grant was frozen effectively
effective immediately on the day that I received that email and funny enough my grant had just
been approved a month prior for a one-year extension so I was like I was shit scared
that this might not get renewed and it did but it only lasted for a month and because my university
at the time was also freezing new hire like many other universities are I think it's sort of
loosening up now I think I'm seeing some more openings popping up here and there so it's okay
but by the time we received that email and when we contacted our program officer we got a bounce
back email saying that this person does not work anymore whoa I don't think I remember that part so
the person at the grant giving office right yeah yeah the funding agency was already gone the funding
agency itself experienced 80% staff cut so essentially they were trying to demolish this
little agency it was not even like an expensive it's a tiny funding agency compared to like
you know NSF and other bigger funding agencies cutting our budget does nothing to the U.S. budgets
as a whole and it can be said like the same thing can be said to so many other people who lost their
funding during this time because yes research is expensive but like not that expensive compared to
the entirety of U.S. expenditure and it's also expensive for a reason right and the expenses
have purpose behind them so and expenses have purpose and basically my boss tried to scramble
サバティカルと東京滞在
about money to keep me on my position but then reassigning me to a different grant meant
rehiring me and hiring was frozen so he couldn't even do that right and
basically he just came to me like a week later saying like Asami we don't know how to pay you
next month and wow like just like that I was let go and I kind of understood that it is nobody's fault
but Trump and Elon and the Trump and Elon gang and all the crowdies that are around them yeah
like I mean rupees it's it's there was no sort of like rescue measures yet from the university
because the university was trying to like keep afloat you know my university suffer from like
I forgot like the exact amount but like some like some hundreds of millions of dollars
grant frozen uh like many other R1 schools in the U.S. and yeah yeah yeah um so so they were trying
to figure that out and I was basically the whole thing was happening all really too fast for any of
us to be able to handle and yeah it's not only happening but like happening in a way that is
literally cutting people right from positions from contact yeah exactly exactly and like basically
like from the day that I received that email my boss was like try and save everything that requires
the university ID because you don't know when you're gonna lose the email right wow like that
fast yeah but um it was that fast I mean I think I had an email for another like the same university
email for maybe another month or so before they blocked me out um well lucky for me was that I
had already arranged to uh stay in Tokyo uh for to to work remotely for the rest of my postdoc so
I call my blessings that I was not tied to an apartment lease yeah uh I didn't have a family
to raise in the U.S. I didn't have like anybody I needed to support uh I was just on my own so
just and I was already not even in U.S. anymore at that point so um you know all things considered
I had a roof over my head I had food on my table and didn't have to worry too too much about
you know when I'm gonna have to pay my rent because I was sure with my parents yeah and
so basically you know after that it was just like a whole bunch of okay it looks like I have to start
job hunting I have had a few sort of like things not exactly lined up for me but like few people
asking me if I'm available or you know for their positions etc again counting my blessings but um
none of that was going to like start right away so it was like all in the talks um so I suddenly
find myself with like a whole bunch of time and hence the world tour um that I decided to go on
because I had some severance and I um had a lot of time which when you're like working full-time
having this much time at your disposal is a rarity and um very like lucky to have that so
I decided to go on that tour it was fun and um gave me lots of things to think about
perspectives but if I made it sound like it was all fun and games it certainly was not
there was a lot of like uncomfortableness of not earning income of having no clue what's
gonna happen to my project that I already worked two years prior to on um and of course I had
the choice to continue working while my advisor was trying to figure out alternative funding
situations but something in me was like not really I couldn't make myself work I like was not
リサーチアクセスの喪失
motivated I um like I just needed some distance away from all of the things uh that led to
um this event and even though um I say that it wasn't exactly like my immediate advisor's fault
or anyways it's unrelated but like I have reasons not to trust this these people and um I'm yeah
like it's gonna be too long of a story but so so I I just like have less trust on them already going
into this event and seeing them unable to do anything about it just gave me even less of
a reason to trust them with anything yeah and um yeah like I just like couldn't like the thought
of having to see them weekly for research updates as if nothing happened I just couldn't do it and
um yeah so that that was like for the first time since I started research basically I was like I
don't think doing this like researching for free is like in my hands anymore like I think I have
uh too much self-respect and too much like credentials behind me to like agree for free labor
yeah yeah I know yes yes you do and you should yes so so at least and not you know it's one thing if
I'm like really excited and can't stop myself from doing research anyway but this was like all like a
stunned event I lost my access to journal articles you know with my emails so I I couldn't read new
papers either you know unless it's open access and every time I like click and see an article
behind a paywall I just I wouldn't cry but I would get sad like it was like a harsh reminder
that apparently I am no longer in the community of researchers and not because I didn't
deliver the results but because of some random guys at the political office
at all within your control right so none of this was a control thing that you had
none of this had any of your influence involved you were simply the the access was simply removed
from you right and you were instead forced into position of many other people right but like
outside of the the access point that you had had for quite a long time so yeah I've basically at
this point you know I've had like some of the best institutional access to journal articles
with my top university.edu emails yeah ever since undergrad you know and was like the first time
since then that I have been removed from that access and that hurt it more than I thought it
should and after that trying to make myself do any research on my own just became more demoralizing
and I was like okay as much as I want to see the completion of this project I cannot do research
right now because if I do and if I force myself to I think I'm gonna walk away hating it and I
サバティカルの影響
think that was still a good decision that I made then because after that trip I didn't even take
my laptop by the way for that entirety of the trip so that's nice yeah after that trip
and after sort of like resettling back here in Tokyo I'm just like finally a little bit more
excited to actually read papers actually do some coding and figure out a little bit more
of the research because now I have enough energy to be like all right like this was a shit card
that I was dealt with and not just because of Trump and Elon but things prior to that as well
was like less than ideal cards that I was dealt with you were carrying other nonsense that was
also somewhat exactly rather outside of your control right I mean this was stuff you were
juggling at the same time yeah like what do I want to do based on these cards that I'm dealt with
and my answer to that was like I want to fucking get a publication out of this yeah
so yeah yeah um uh so that's my that's where I am now mentally uh I am going to restart meeting
with my grad students on a somewhat regular pace and I'm not going to spend too too too much time
or energy on this because now I am officially working for free but at least until like
up to the point where I can maintain the enjoyment and maintain my own sanity
I would want to see this through very much so I'm happy to you know sort of get back into research
I guess um for the time being and but yeah it was sort of the most uneasy time
since I have self-identified myself as researchers um because I felt like I shouldn't
claim that anymore just because I was let go for you know yeah oh so that felt even more like
I see where some of the intensity came from then right because it felt like an identity
loss or like a a questioning of the identity right not just you know oh you know the funding
for what I've been doing is being cut sort of deal it was like no I've I've lost access to things I've
lost the the funding to do those things I've lost the sort of engagement with the the trust
right with the institution to do those things and like yeah it really really puts the you know
it really really puts the you know the question of researcher right like well what what am I
researching right if I'm not that I don't have these things yeah yeah and um I guess I didn't
realize that after doing science for so long I have sort of um started to conflate my own identity
and my a part of for sure my identity that is being a researcher and um this is all easy to
sort of intellectualize and separate in words like I'm doing right now but it is so hard to
convince your brain to do that so so I think that's that's kind of what I struggled about I
feel like it was like a different flavor of imposter syndrome you know it's an imposter
syndrome not because I'm bad at it but like imposter syndrome of like but I'm not actually
hired as a researcher anymore and yeah like no one's paying me to do a research for living um
like can I still call myself yeah it's or you know right it's a different flavor of the imposter
syndrome right instead of it being solely driven by miss often misaligned or like misscaled like
expectations and value of what you actually have for skill right like this sort of
they're actually probably level if not you're probably higher than you think you are but like
you know that's the imposter here you're like but I I have these skills right I've been using them
but I'm being told externally right that I I'm not doing them right so that same and I was cut
off from the axis to be able to do that right and um but I didn't realize that so much of who I am
who I am who I recognize to be myself today yeah has tied with doing a researcher as a job and um
sort of I think it's safe to say that a part of my self-worth even came from that identity and um
even though like again in my head I know that those two are different things but it is hard
to actually separate them in a first glance when you were suddenly removed of the privilege and the
研究への愛着と共感
axis uh of what you thought you sort of like belong to you you know and and that you earned
after hard work like I'm usually not that confused about myself I am I have a fairly neutral idea of
who I think I am and what I bring to the world and I'm pretty okay with that like I'm not gonna be
like a Nobel laureate but I'm pretty okay with that concept
I think I have other ways to contribute to the society but this was like a really like a
shaking enough that prevented me from even being able to talk about this on podcast
in the thick of it because like I didn't know how to put words to it
um but I think after all of this I think what surprises me in a pleasant way is that I still
don't seem to hate research because let's be real I have many other ways of making money and make the
ends meet if I just want to pay rent and like you know live financially independently I think I
actually have other ways that's probably more profitable to do that um probably other than
research research and academia in general or not I mean depending on the type of research but like
they're not the most lucrative career options right yeah like if I and and I think that
the other option is possible uh for me but um instead of like you know
like what some people did in like my exact situation where they were like fuck research
I'm just gonna like do something else sometimes out of their own choice sometimes not out of
their own choice because they had to maybe they have a kid and a family to support and they
couldn't just dwell around not doing work when they are extremely hireable as some other job
other than research yeah I had the privilege of not having to do that but um I after some you know
initial sort of settlement is over I still was like I still do enjoy research and I still want
to give a shot at this career at least for the time being and that was kind of reassuring to
notice about that myself this was like a random anomaly of an event that removed me for a short
period of time but I'm still on my path is like how I felt and I think the opportunities are still
available for me um so so that's that's one thing um this whole experience gave me like a completely
different level of empathy for people who need to step away from the career that they're very
passionate about for whatever reason whether it's because you're pregnant and you're having a child
or you need to take care of your parents or you need to move to a different country like whatever
that might be I used to be I mean like I I still I guess am of like you know in the friend group
I'm just like well you're not going to Mars you can figure it out like you know it's like like I
have full trust in you you got this girl like that is what I would have said to any of my friends
and and and I don't I mean it fully because I do think they are capable of figuring it out
and make it work for them but now that I've sort of been on that side I feel like
like I I feel like I have a better understanding of like how difficult it is to um to
to like be forcibly removed from what you worked so hard for and even if that's objectively
not the right path if you put your work like if you put your time and work in it
you're gonna find it really difficult to let go of that and and and that's that's sort of what I'm
キャリアとアイデンティティの葛藤
finding out I'm like for me I somehow arrived to the conclusion that I still wanted to research
but like if I had realized that this is no longer what I want to do I would have felt so much grief
in like the level that I'm like not even experiencing right now because I have tangled up
my identity so much with that title you know of of the job description and like it doesn't matter
what it is that you know your career was like very few people can feel can can say you know
oh like I don't feel a thing about leaving this job because like even if it was something not
necessarily what they like worked their entire lives for it would still be really difficult
because society now kind of asks you that you tie yourself up so much with what you do
and you get used to that and it's like uh it was like a very like visceral experience of like oh
like I had a taste of like if I like let's say I become a mom and I want to or need to step away
from my career for a little bit of time I would feel so insecure so unsure about how to look at
myself because now I'm no longer doing the thing that I used to do you know so I now have a better
sort of empathy I guess um I have a better sense of what it's like when my friends are stepping
away from career one way shape or form or when they're changing career usually that's kind of
even harder for me because when they're switching up careers I'm usually very encouraging usually
very like excited for them that they're taking this step but like it's fucking scary
I know I know I know and you've done that and like maybe I probably was like oh yeah man this
sounds great and like you know like it sounds like you're in the right path you seem happier
and you probably were but like you're I have very little idea of how
pants shitting scary that experience must have been like during that period
I only lost a few pairs of pants that way so um
um this I I know obviously this being only an audio medium right but just so you know right this
is very much something that I I can empathize with and and relate with right I mean this is
this is very much an experience that I've I've had in a different way right as you said right
there are you know maybe it's not it's like imposter syndrome but something else and then
you described all of this re-contextualizing of yourself and the work and the how those
things are related and how you maybe over define right oneself to the work and that might be
because the world and work pushes you to do so as much as you also are driven to do it
all of these things very very relatable to to me and I imagine to all of the listeners out there
because this is this is real this doesn't just happen in academia right but it certainly happens
within academic circles um and yeah I mean I I took the you know the change right I did not
come back to liking reason I said I need space from this right in that same sense and I took it
in a way that took me towards something else and I found myself you know sort of angling back
but it's definitely different right I'm trying to come at it from a different direction
yeah you have a different intention for doing that right and you're coming back to the same
sort of academic space but as a completely different role right and yeah and even then
仕事と自己価値の関係
happen overnight either no it took like your sweet time to get there yeah it took me several years
right like and that and even then though right with all of that work up to that point I would
say within like the last few months there's been a a bit of a how would you say sort of like
that attachment right to the work because there is a more passionate version of engaging with the
work is a more finding it important to be doing this work and by doing that there's there's a
a closening a getting closer of self and the work you do towards meaning and that can start to look
a lot like defining yourself by the work you do so when things start to go poorly when they start
to be really stressful when they start to be too much you're worried about not succeeding
in those because it will it's because it will indirectly hurt you right like so then it becomes
even more tense um so that separation I I personally also need to sort of do again right
so like this is this is all very very uh relatable and iterative so I'm I'm glad that you were able
to share this here I'm certain myself and everyone listening is probably going to get something from
it so yeah and maybe it was cathartic I don't know if it was cathartic to share but uh uh in some ways
yeah I guess in some ways yeah it's it's it's it definitely comes with a certain level of
uncomfortableness I don't know if you can hear my voice but um but it's I I think this is something
that I must have dealt with in some capacity in the past I just haven't had to think about it for
a long time and sure yeah it's it's it's extra sort of difficult I think as you get older because
you have more things to lose you have more things you worked hard towards and in some way seeing
my hard work being rewarded in some recognizable format is a privilege you know yeah it's and and
that's what I want as well um but but the the risk there is that because you wanted it so badly
you it just becomes that much easier for you to enmesh that with your own self and and just
you need to remind yourself that your worth has absolutely nothing to do with the work you produce
or participate in like that's a separate thing you know that's still what you do and you you spend
your time doing is you hopefully enjoy it right like and find it meaningful but it's still not
you and I think this might be some of the things that like I need to kind of remind myself time to
time or if I don't remind myself then the circumstance will certainly remind right it
will find its repetition right there is there's iteration that occurs here not just from our work
but because it's a tendency it happens it's normal even if it is but yeah I I wouldn't say
I was like toxic positive to my friends in the past but I can see why some of my friends took
years to leave the job that they absolutely hated yeah I got you you know things like that like now
I have just like a better understanding and a bit more empathy why someone might do that I still
would have takes time I'm still happy that they did leave the job but I can see why it too it had to
take them that long um right before that I was like I don't know he's too smart for doing this job I
don't know why he's like you know I'm still doing this but like I may have heard you say those words
自己理解の深化
now I kind of not maybe to me but like I I know the phrase I probably have I say that to a lot of
my friends who like because I I do think that they're all really brilliant and capable of lots
of different things and don't see the point of them working a mediocre job that don't even pay
them well but which hey I'm I am a hundred percent on board many people probably are
right on board with you on in that intellectual way right it's like of course like I've even said
to friends to be like yeah but this is bad though right like you see that it's bad right now and it
can help to hear that from outside but it doesn't necessarily speed up or change the pace right it
doesn't it doesn't remove the fear it doesn't yeah it doesn't remove the fear it doesn't remove
the the sort of what you're truly afraid of which is to losing a piece of yourself you know it
it it's really just been like I feel very immature for saying this but like
yeah like I think I finally kind of like I had a very visceral understanding of what it is to be
in be in that situation when so many of my friends in various different ways have already
gone through many sort of questioning of their identity their job and stuff like that
and I didn't really have to do that for myself until it happened to me yeah yeah I mean that's
there maybe immature isn't I would say a fair word there I think in in part yes without maybe the
nuance of of that word right just like a part of you hadn't fully experienced that other end
not that it had to yeah but then you were pushed into that right and you experienced it and now
you're like wow I see why right and how this this fear this this yeah and how paralyzing that could
be paralyzing nature of it yeah yeah it can just be very very strong right so yeah yeah so hopefully
this makes me a better friend um oh I'm sure I'm sure that any any development right towards an
understanding of the self and others is is it's a blossoming right human being so it's it's it's
human being so yeah yeah yeah but it it's uh it's been rough but um I think things are moving
on my end as well in a direction that I think I'm happy with so okay yeah we'll see how things go
but yeah like I think even just for that kind of because none of this would have happened without
like all of the time and bandwidth in my brain and all of the empty spaces uh on my calendar
I think it's uh it was a worthwhile sabbatical even though I was not in Fiji or Bali or Maldives
or any of the nicer places no you were in Mongolia riding horses so like I mean exactly yeah I mean
that's exactly what I needed to do but um so yeah I think it was a it was a good thing in the end
sort of like noticing that I think like you said probably come back to me at some different shape
but um yeah it's hopefully I'm better at recognizing them now if I were to take one
more piece which I think you hinted at by wrapping us back to sabbatical it would probably be yeah
it would probably be the like benefit slash the need for actually emptying parts of a schedule
right to like give oneself which I'm saying for my benefit right now mostly as a person who has
a wall covered and post-its I decided to do this I thought I'd share that with you yeah so um you
サバティカルの重要性
know to offload and see that on the wall and to be like okay right I know that all those things
exist right at this timeline but I will not properly be able to function and I won't be able
to see things unless I actually stop right focusing on them for a while and then I bring myself back
to it even though this is a trap many may fall into listening to this right uh or similarly is
like you feel as if you stop you will you will stop right you'll like you won't be able to get
back to it or you'll miss something or you'll be out of the loop the FOMO is real yes and it's
strong and that's another fear right but like yeah time unexpected sabbaticals taking those you know
sort of holiday days when you can right giving yourself a good gap of I'm not in the work let
me look at it with fresh eyes normalize month-long holidays like yeah couple of months yeah I'll take
I feel like we should all work like French people I'll I'll go further I'll take a couple of months
every other month how's that that's I can take a call you know and just be and just be off right
the whole time you just work like four months of the year yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I work four
months a year I just work at at each quarter of the year I work for one month right so like I just
hey you know we're at this rate we're all gonna suffer from diminishing population
might as well get used to the level of economic activity yeah things just slow down only work
four months of the year right yeah just everything everything comes to a like creeping halt you're
just like everybody you just gotta you just gotta chill for a little bit right you can't actually
do anything of these types today you just have to hang out and it's like okay I guess that's what
we're doing like my French colleague is like it's our guest uh why why should I email you
to guess why should I email you I mean fair enough yeah that's fine no just just ignore it
yeah it's good like that's the attitude I want so oh yeah oh there's some benefits there definitely
some benefits um so yeah sabbatical for everyone sabbatical for everyone yay
thanks for sharing thanks for listening to blabbering no no no I think it'll be I think
it'll be well it was well received here I'm sure it will be well received externally and
honestly truly yeah thank you I think this was this is a really important conversation to have
um so it was nice it was nice to hear
all right bye everybody going that's it for the show today thanks for listening and find us on
x at egode science that is e-i-g-o-d-e s-c-i-e-n-c see you next time
