善意がもたらす疲労感
Hello everyone, this is takenomu. Thanks fortuning in to my podcast. How are you doing today?I hope you're doing okay.
So today I want to talk about something a littleuncomfortable but very human.
Nothing is more annoying than good intentions withno bad intentions.
That sounds strange, right? But I think many of ushave experienced this.
You know, there are people who are not trying tohurt anyone. They are not evil. They are not mean.They are not trying to cause trouble.
And still, somehow, being around them can be verytiring.
Let me start with a simple situation. I belong toa certain group.
It could be a community, a workplace, a hobbygroup, or any kind of social circle.
And in that group, there is someone like this.
The difficult part is, I actually like the group.I want to keep talking with the other peoplethere.
I want to stay connected with everyone else.
So leaving the group is not really an option.
But at the same time, dealing with that one personis exhausting.
That feeling when you can't just walk away becauseyou still care about the place is reallyfrustrating.
They want to help. They want to contribute. Theywant to be useful. They want to be seen as a goodperson.
On the surface, that sounds great, right?
Who wouldn't want helpful people around?
But sometimes, that help comes in a very heavyway.
They give advice you didn't ask for.
They speak for others without being asked.
They decide what is best for everyone, withoutchecking first.
They say things like, I'm just trying to help, orI'm doing this for your own good.
And the problem is, they're not lying. They reallythink they're helping.
So why does it feel so annoying?
Why does it sometimes feel even worse than clearhostility?
I think it's because you can't easily say stop.
If someone is clearly rude, you can say, hey, that's rude.
If someone is clearly attacking you, you candefend yourself.
But if someone says, I'm just being kind. I'm justtrying to support you.
I only want the best for you, then what can yousay?
If you say, please stop, you look ungrateful.
If you say, I don't need that, you look cold.
If you say nothing, you slowly get more and moretired.
It's a very tricky situation.
親切心の裏にある自己満足
Sometimes, I think maybe people like this are alittle bit selfish.
Not in a cruel way. Not in a I want to hurt youway.
But in a I want to feel like a good person way.
They want to feel helpful. They want to feelimportant.
They want to feel needed. They want to feelrespected.
So they help, they advise, they step in, even whenno one asks.
In that sense, their kindness is not only forothers.
It's also for themselves.
Maybe that's why it sometimes feels so heavy.
The tricky part is this.
There is no malice.
They are not trying to control you.
They are not trying to hurt you.
They are not trying to look down on you.
But maybe they have strong self-expression orstrong self-importance
or a strong desire to be seen.
They want their opinion to matter.
They want their presence to be felt.
They want to leave their mark on the situation.
So even when the situation doesn't really needthem, they still jump in.
And again, they think they're doing somethinggood.
That's why it's so hard to deal with.
And honestly, I think this kind of situation iseverywhere.
At work, in families, in communities, in hobbygroups, in online spaces.
The same pattern appears again and again.
Someone means well, but their way of being kindslowly becomes pressure.
And the people around them don't know how to sayno without feeling guilty.
I think kindness has a grey zone.
On one side, there is real kindness.
You listen. You wait. You help when asked.
You respect boundaries.
On the other side, there is kindness that soundsmore like
I know better. I should step in.
Or they need me, even if they don't know it.
And the line between these two is not very clear.
Sometimes people cross that line without noticing.
And sometimes we do too.
This is the uncomfortable part.
自分自身への問いかけと真のサポート
When I complain about these people, I have to askmyself,
Am I ever like this?
And the honest answer is probably yes.
Maybe I've given advice when no one asked.
Maybe I've tried to help when someone just wantedto vent.
Maybe I've said something like,
I'm just saying this for your own good, to protectmy own ego.
It's not a nice thing to admit.
But I think most of us have done it at least once.
We want to be useful. We want to be smart.
We want to be right. We want to be seen as a goodperson.
And sometimes that desire becomes louder than theother person's feelings.
I think real support is quiet.
It waits. It listens. It asks,
Do you want my opinion?
It accepts no as an answer.
But annoying kindness is loud.
It explains. It pushes. It insists.
It feels uncomfortable with silence,
so it fills the space with advice.
The scary thing is, from the inside,
both can feel the same.
Both feel like, I'm helping.
The difference is not in intention.
The difference is in respect.
グループにおける親切心の圧力
In groups, this problem becomes even bigger.
Because in groups, there are roles.
There are leaders, helpers, organizers,supporters.
And some people really want to be seen in thoseroles.
So they speak more. They decide more.
They intervene more.
Again, not because they are bad people,
but because they want to exist in the group in avisible way.
Sometimes that creates pressure.
Sometimes that creates silence.
Sometimes that makes others step back,
and the group becomes less comfortable,
even though everyone is being nice.
I don't think there is a perfect answer.
But I try to keep one small rule for myself.
Ask before you help.
Do you want advice, or do you just want me tolisten?
Do you want support, or do you want space?
It sounds simple, but it's actually pretty hard.
Because sometimes we really want to show that weare useful.
But maybe real kindness is being OK with not beingneeded.
I think this is the main point I wanted to talkabout today.
Good intentions are not always gentle.
Good intentions are not always kind.
Good intentions can still hurt people.
And the scariest part is,
we usually don't notice when we are the one doingit.
相手を尊重する姿勢の重要性
So maybe the best thing we can do is not to think,
I am a good person,
but to think, am I respecting the other personright now?
That question is probably more important.
So today's topic was a little heavy, but veryhuman.
Nothing is more annoying than kindness with no badintentions.
If you've ever felt stuck in a place you don'twant to leave,
because you still care about the people there, you're not alone.
And if you've ever felt tired because of someone'shelp,
you're not alone either.
And if you realize that sometimes you might bethat person,
that's also very human.
I know I have to be careful about this too.
All right, that's all for today.
Thank you for listening.
This was Takenomu.
See you in the next episode.
