ポッドキャストの方向性とリスナー層の模索
I don't go outside, this is my battlefield.Fighting alone, every single day. No one sees it,but I keep going. Slow is fine, stopping is fine.Just move forward! Hikikomori Hero, stillstanding!
This is just a podcast.
People who find life hard. I was thinking aboutthis all night. To talk about the details. There'sa difference between what I should make the mainpart and what shouldn't be the main part. But thedetails don't matter. My show is very unique, andI don't give any answers. It's not about botheringyourself.
And I don't try to force meaning onto things. Sothere are no solutions. But many people Imentioned as a target are looking for solutions.
I also have to think about if people will listento my broken English. Finally, I thought aboutmaking the show for people who can accept thingsthat aren't finished. I mean people who likethings that aren't organized. I thought I couldmake the show name for them.
But I don't really know what those people want.
By the way, I finally thought of a name and adescription yesterday. But then I threw them away.
I did that over and over this month. For example,any restaurant has to think about the sign, thebuilding, and the food. That first part is hard.If you finish that, things go smoothly.
I've gone through that hardest part many times andthen started over. I thought I only had to thinkabout the description, but I realized it affectsthe content too.
I thought about quitting the hard philosophy talkand focusing on people who find life hard or don'tfit into society. But when I started thinking itwas tough, there's no clear line.
I'd have to think about where philosophy startsand then makes it hard to talk. Or I thought aboutonly talking about the hard things that happen inmy day. But it's the same problem.
I'd start worrying if it's okay to talk about. I've done this many times. If I don't stop thephilosophy talk completely, it will just keepcoming out. But I don't know if I can keep talkingwithout that. There's too much change and my headcan't keep up.
In the end, I thought I should just talk like Ialways do. I also thought about how many listenersI'd get. And as I said, people who find life hardwant a solution. So now I'm thinking about showinga way of living strong while slowing away anddreaming of meaning in life.
I wanna tell people there are no solutions in thisshow. I was thinking about making it for peoplewho are tired of looking for meaning or botheringthemselves in the world of business or art whatpeople want is important. I'm not a professionalwriter or an artist, but I should focus on what'sneeded.
個人的な経験と他者への共感
My thoughts are just for myself what people wantis what matters. Next, there's an idol who is verymean to other members. And people online seem toagree. Even if she doesn't search for herself, Ihope she hears this. That's my meme.
I started to worry if there were people around mein school who hated me while I didn't notice. It'sthe same thing. There were probably some peoplelike that. I can't help it now. I can't apologizeor change my personality easily.
I was definitely hated in middle school, in highschool. Girls like me. But I didn't get along withthe boys. Once I stopped talking the same extraclass as everyone else, I started going my ownway.
About the video I'm watching. I've live show withmany artists in the video. They say they don'tknow if some Nogizaka members are in it. Inanother video, they say they are only in the partwhere they show up. I asked what's the point ofwatching the first one was.
But they just kept saying the same thing. Theyjust said you don't know where they show up. Inthe other videos, they are definitely there. Butin the first one, you don't even know if they arethere or where.
I said there's no point in watching the first one.And in the end, I found out it was a video withall the Nogizaka members, not other groups. Butthey didn't say that at first.
They clearly said they didn't know where they werein the whole live show. I wondered if I heard itwrong because I thought there were many artists.But based on my experience, the chance I made amistake is 0%.
The era after that was the worst. Maybe it wasjust me feeling bad. But it was a bad feeling.Also, there was a famous person who lookedfamiliar. She was a woman, but she looked like amale actor. I couldn't remember his name, but Iremembered the drama he was in.
I searched for him first and then found her. Theydidn't look alike. Once I think someone looks likesomeone else, I can't stop thinking about it.Today was okay. Something it takes me two monthsto find someone. It makes me feel sick and mystomach hurt and I can't focus on anything.
When I finally find them, I often realize theyaren't that similar. Which is sad. It's even worsewhen I find someone with a similar voice. Usually,I can't find them at all.
What I'm worrying about most now is the podcastname. If I use words and finding life hard, thegroup of listeners get too small. I thought aboutthis before. But my stories aren't just for peoplewho find life hard. I'm talking about small partof daily life.
I'm talking about my thoughts as they come outwithout organizing them. So it's not just forpeople who struggle. But because of how the showis, people will see it that way. And I wanna do itthat way too.
It's hard. Even one word in the show name changethe whole feelings. Some people might live becauseof it. I'm thinking a lot about the target. I'mnot doing this for money. But I have to thinkabout it.
Also, people thought an idol was trying to getinto Tokyo University. But it seemed she failed. Idon't know if she really tried. But she probablyfailed. Her high school is the top school in myguess at least. Her person there tried for TokyoUniversity. It's that kind of school.
So sometimes tried for medical school too. Shetook a break from the group to study. So if shedidn't pass, she might feel like this whole yearwas for nothing. Everyone expect a lot from her.And that's hard. It's tough when your family andrelative expect these things from you.
I saw people like that for a year when I was inthe religion. So I feel really sorry for her. Fansacross the country were waiting too. And I was oneof them. Also someone who left the same group gota divorce recently.
I was talking about this with my mom. She workedso hard and made good food for her husband. But hedidn't eat any vegetables at all. She dideverything for him. But they divorced in just oneyear.
The other members must be sad too. Going back tothe show name. People who lack for mental healthor life struggle topics are looking for meaning.They want answers. But some people are tired ofmaking gaps. Meaning end when I stop dreaming.
思考の流れと自己受容
I think there are definitely people like that. Ishould make them my target. But I wonder if that'sjust my own selfish idea. I thought about the namefor hours. There are people who like to hear theflow of the thought that aren't edited. It feelslike looking into someone's head.
There are some people like that in Japan too. ButI don't know if they care about stories fromsomeone staying inside. If I target people whofind life hard, it might not fit my show. Theywill be disappointed. I think they want solutions.
I've felt that for a long time. I'm not an expert.I hope my life can help them find an answer. Butthat might just be a dream.
In the end, for people who wanna see the flow ofthought, my show is like a place to start. I talka lot about family problems and living inside.
Living inside won't last forever. In my case, I'llgo to the hospital for my illness later. Thingswill change more than. But when I think aboutthat, I end up forgetting it. I'm in my roomupstairs now, recording while lying down.
About dinner, it was shrimp with chili sauce. ButI couldn't taste it much. As you might guess, Iwas daydreaming while eating.
I thought I shouldn't do that. But I couldn'tfocus when I finally could focus. I couldn't tasteanything for some reason. Then when I lost focusagain, I could taste it. But I still wasn'tfocused.
Usually, things just change and it feels like badluck. But it's just a situation. That would beokay. But in my case, nothing changed, yet thishappened.
At the timing. Also, young idols on TV say thingslike this is healthy. Even young people say it.But they probably don't care about the health.Usually, I wonder if eating one or two healthythings matters.
It doesn't change anything if you eat healthy whenyou're young. I only eat soybeans and tofu forlunch to avoid getting hooked on sugar. Also, Istarted eating a lot of lunch at some point. That's to avoid stomach pain. It's not for health inthat way. It's also to not get fat.
Sweet or fatty things make you fat, so I don'tunderstand why those people say healthy. They aren't sick or having problem with blood pressure. Idon't get why they use that word when it's easyfor them.
Lately, I've known there are many people who likequiet talking. By one person, I didn't know forsure. But they really exist. I don't listen toloud things. But I don't listen to one persontalking either.
But I understand the feeling. When I only listenedto NHK, I couldn't listen to things with many loudsounds or effects. I wanted to listen to the radiobecause I was lonely. But loud things hurt mynerves. I understand the feelings well. Also, Ithought it would be good if this show could help.
過去の経験と自己認識の変化
I was happy to hear about those people. I'mrecording in the morning now. I thought about thename for a while after lying down. Then I watchedvideo of street music. I've always liked them.Songs by Tsuyoshi Nagabuchi, Kana Nishino, AyumiHamazaki, Dragon Nash, Maeda.
I was also searching things to study. I hadsomething I wanted to learn. Because of that, afew hours passed. I hope my daily habit don'tbreak. But they already have. I've fixed thembefore. But they broke again.
Yesterday, I saw an actress on TV. I knew hersister was an actress too. They don't look alike.But I heard they were three beautiful sisters. Shehad very nice and classy feelings.
I saw an old photo of them when they were studentsand they looked like they were in a TV drama. Iwas moved about the show name. It's like I saidbefore. Some people wanna hear about the dailylife of someone with a brain trait, even withoutanswers.
But as I thought yesterday, they might not be themain target. Or maybe they could be. This wasabout America, so I don't know. I was thinkingabout the name all night. It makes me think aboutmy mistakes in school. But maybe I wasn't wrong.
When I think about my past in school, the more Ithink and search, the more info I get. Then Irealize all that I was wrong. The show name in thesame. I realize I was wrong about my own show. Themore time I spend, the more I understand. So whenshould I ever decide on a path or a name? I don'tknow.
If I think more, I'll realize my current idea iswrong again. I'll think what is I thinking. I waslike that with my past in school too. Afterthinking for a month or two, I'd realize I wasbeing silly.
Then a month later, my mind changed again. It'sscary to decide now. I wondered why I can't talkabout the same things forever on a podcast. Irealized one thing about my talk. I can't reach afinal answer. I don't mean to do it. I just do itwithout thinking.
To me, picking one answer and telling people thisis like a leader of a religion. It's just like areligion. I don't think there's anything in theworld where you can say this is 100% right.
The moment you say this is the most importantthing for humans, it becomes a religion. So I justuse my thought as a guess for now. Buddha saideverything changed. So what is right now? Mightchange in a split second. This is strange for me.I have a strong habit. So I wanna find a rightanswer to feel safe. Life is hard that way.
To stop that, I don't look for a balance. I justdon't keep one right answer in my head. I'm alwayschanging my thought on purpose. I think one thing.Then I think, wait, maybe it's this. If I don'tkeep doing that, it becomes a belief. Then itbecomes a religion. Then I'll find out it waswrong and feel hopeless.
I realized during dinner and the right answer fromone second ago is different now. While eating, Ithink this is the right way to eat, but the nextbite is different. My body changed, my taste getused to it, and the food itself might change. Younever eat the exact same dish twice.
So the right way always changed. I'm recording inthe morning. I had a terrible dream. I was tryingto get into university. I was studying English forit. I felt very strange in the dream. The rule wasthat I had to go back to society. I was aiming foruniversity, but I knew I couldn't go.
It was a very hard feeling. I felt like that manytimes when I was studying, staying inside. It wasthat feeling. Also, I was at school and went tolunch, but I failed at my job there.
I caused a problem, and someone told me, I'll giveyou money, so just go home. When I tried to gohome, everyone started clapping for me aboutpeople with eating problems. I was thinking aboutan actress who might have one.
I don't know that world well. I knew about eatingtoo much or not eating or eating and then throwingup. It seems common for people who eat a lot onTV. Someone in a group I support might have it. It's so close to me. I'm surprised regular peopleget it too. I'm thinking about it now.
I have some feelings about food too. I care aboutcalories and sugar. I don't wanna get fat, but forthose people, it's about how they look to others.It's a scary feeling I don't understand.
I'm sorry for them. I only cut calories because Iate a lot at lunch. I couldn't understand why asinger who got really thin still couldn't eat.Only they know that pain. In my case, I was told Iwas too thin.
タイトルの決定と自己への後悔
It was a problem for me. Lunch at school was hard,as coach told me to eat a lot during a baseballmeeting, and it was tough. About the show name,this show is too unique. If I use the word I likebrain trait, it becomes too limited.
It doesn't fit the show, but for starting, I haveto use some words. I shouldn't use too many. Ifsomeone comes for a story about parents, they willleave quickly because I talk for 50 minutes aboutmany things. It's so different from other shows.
I'm very confused. People who wanna hear aboutdaily life with a brain trait will listen to mystories, but I don't know what to write for thetitle of each talk. I spent so much time on theshow name, and if I should use that energy for thetitle of each talk, I regret it.
Now I feel like I have to change the tags on x2. Ihate it, and when I stop everything, that's myusual pattern.
