00:01
Welcome to HIKOMORI DAYS. I shall record from aroom that hasn't changed since well, America had adifferent president, maybe too.
Seventeen years inside, that's not a lifestyle,that's a subscription ground you forgot to cancel.
Some people call it isolation, we call it freeshipping on every emotion. And now broadcastinglive from a desk, that has seen more instantnoodles than human interaction. This is HIKIKOMORIDAYS.
Earlier, the top was still dripping. I couldn'tchange my routine. I can close the door properlywhen I go upstairs, so it's still a bit open.
I doubted if my parents noticed that sound. They'dcome, but today they were sleeping.
I waited a few minutes, thinking they might hearme on the first floor. As I expected, they didn'tcome.
I knocked on the door and said, the top is stillrunning. Can you turn it off? I waited, becausethey weren't waking up.
I also doubted, maybe it's nothing. Maybe theywere just sleeping. I knocked while going to thebathroom on the first floor, and it took a whilefor them to come.
It took a while for them to come. They work allday, so I can't blame them.
My grandmother on my dad's side said my dad waspathetic, but I think my dad also feels the sameabout his parents.
I woke up at 20.30am, and I studied English, butnow it's 3am. I'm an hour behind my plan. Momentslike this feel frustrating. I wonder what did Ieven spend my time on.
03:13
I also get nervous that my English won't beunderstood. Before, I used to worry about breakingforeign rules by mistake and getting arrestedthere.
Weird and anxious that you two follow me around,and sometimes they still do. I've been thinkingabout different cases. I basically just translatemy Japanese into English, so sometimes it feelslike a waste of time.
Even when I practice pronunciation, I wonder, am Idoing this right? But well, at least I can stillbroadcast.
Yesterday, I tried Daisoite. For the first time,it worked well, but it cost half of what I usedbefore.
I wonder if I can go back to the old one.
Like with tofu, if you eat the expensive onefirst, the chopped one doesn't taste good. I knewthat, but maybe I thought it was different, but it's the same soy, so I don't really remember why Ithought that.
Every year, when high school entrance exams come,I get bad memories. I passed the exam, but I didn't feel happy that day.
In my head, I would tell relatives I didn't feelhappy when I passed the exam. I passed, but I didn't feel happy. If I had failed, everything I didwould be a waste.
But I told myself, effort never lies, or theprocess is what matters. I was hiding behind thoseideas, so pressing or failing didn't reallymatter.
Adults say, you passed great, or it's part oflife. If you fail and then you forget in a week,that's convenient. Adults keep telling you thateffort and process matter.
06:02
TV show about brass band or dance clubs are waytoo strict. It looks more like a show orperformance than real training.
Even if it's normal, the strictness just seemslike preventing stress. It's just bullying andteaching toughness.
I think Japanese people are one of the greatestnations. In the U.S., clubs practice on weekdaysand have games on weekends. Coaches don't yellmuch.
Yesterday, I watched a snowman dance show. Kidswere skillfully falling over the teacher. Itlooked sad. I remembered my old classmate and feltbad.
I'm not into literature, but Kafka's metamorphosishits me. The main character suddenly turned intoan insect. He used to be a breadwinner.
And now he loses his role and is treated coldly byhis family. I rarely relate. I feel like I'm notjust without a role. I also bother others.
I think my parents might be like that family. Theymight act like they care, but they lie and breakpromises. Maybe worse than that book's family.They say they care, but suddenly betray you. Ifeel like I'm just the kind of existence.
The religion I joined had a decent founder. Butwhen his daughter took over, it became like acult. It's weird that the founder looked for asuccessor and picked his daughter. It's like anycompany.
Calling its divine arrival is just nonsense.People in the religion believe strongly, so theydon't notice. Even I noticed it was weird. It'simpossible for a child to become a leader just byblood. This religion digs up past painfulexperiences.
09:21
Everyone talks in seminars, so I have to talk too.They say it helps your soul grow. Some cults likeour own do the same thing.
Just nodding while talking to someone is verytiring. I nod to show I'm listening, but it takesa lot of energy. Watching TV, I wonder how aren'tpeople exhausted.
I also have fear of contact. Only humans use eyesto communicate. Other animals use it to threaten.You can't really show interest to such a crow. Youcan act interested, but real interest isspiritual.
Loneliness, misalignment and borderlineintelligence. Watching TV sometimes I think thisperson is unstable, but I'm different. I feelfundamentally off. I can't relate to other mentalillness cases.
There are an English word, misalignment, whichmeans being off. It sticks in my mind. In Japan,someone who can't read social codes is called aweird person, but in the U.S., they might becalled gifted.
I've had a hard time in high school. My showmanual work measured us borderline intelligence,and there was no proper support. I felt cursed. Ithink I was dumb.
I don't wanna be labeled depressed, but I don'twanna be seen as mild either. I feel like I'mpunishing myself.
Yesterday I had a meal. Pork, cabbage and daikonhot pot. The seasoning reminded me of a localramen shop. It was good.
12:05
I've also eaten a lot of potato salad before.Changing life habit is really hard. Maybe the ideais to enjoy this contradiction and impermanence.
This morning I reflected on what I mentioned lasttime. I used to think people with schizophreniawere being... I could never truly understand, butthinking back,
in my senior year of my high school, there was agirl in my class who seemed depressed. When shegreeted me at the bike parking lot,
I bluffed that since I was depressed too, maybe Ican understand her. Perhaps back then I felt morecapable of mutual understanding.
Obsessive compulsive disorder might be different,but schizophrenia still feels impossible to relateto.
I also recalled a comment about music made bypeople who took psychedelics like the Beatles' Sunset. It resembles the perception of people withschizophrenia.
Neurodevelopmental disorders are completelydifferent. There is no similarity.
I doubt about efficiency again this morning. Howcan I complete routine quickly and without waste?I've tired many approaches, but often it goeswell.
Then failed, I end up thinking the old way was buzzer. Time just slipped away too easily.
When I first thought of podcast name, I eventuallyfound a good recording method. Sometimes solutionsappear after struggling. Now I worry more aboutcover art than descriptions.
I considered stopping Spanish for a while, butfailed conflict. Posting on Instagram felt like asmall gain, but maybe it's pointless.
15:07
Even checking my morning routine creates tension.For dinner, I expect salted Pacific sole, but gotsalmon instead since I don't eat rice.
Then probably that the whole dry fish would be toosalty. It was a small shock, though logically itdoesn't matter.
I tried several English pronunciation apps, butnone worked. Quiz seemed promising, but I gave upearly.
I felt anxious thinking about previous care. Facilities wondering if there were mostly bedriddenpeople.
My parents only asked if they were hourlyresident, leaving me uncertain. I worried about myphone charging at 50%, even though I just listenedto podcast at night.
Small trouble was still take up my attention.Today I had to change clothes, which shifted myroutine.
I went upstairs around noon, turned off the stove,and now recording from the second floor, it'scold. This house feels like my own universe. I can't understand society contradiction.
Historical figures seem as absolute evil existalongside claims of universal human right.
Watching war report, readers are attacked withoutmoral outrage, yet celebrities saying similarthings would face backlash. I can't comprehendhumanity.
Previously, a religion I joined had a politicianas a special discipline, telling my parents aboutthe controversies upsets them.
They vary appearance and adnotion of justice morethan my perspective.
18:06
Modern tools allow great creative work, but I lackartistic talent. I tried learning code, progressedand failed.
I envy neurodivergent people who can expressthemselves through art. Watching idol show, I overanalyze code remarks, linking them to past schoolmemories.
I see people as neurotypes, maybe natural orexceptions. All have companies. I feel alone,always feeling lonely.
People who say everything has meaning and nihilists who say nothing matters are two sides of thesame coin.
I looked into why the U.S. attacks and stationforce in Iran and Iraq. Also studies famousillusion like the sewing in half trick.
I feel stuck on Spanish. It's easy to pronounceand widely spoken, so giving up feels frustrating.
I focus on this podcast, but perfectionism keepschasing pronunciation apps.
I don't share my taste preference. Unseasonedfood, tofu, coffee, jelly, jewelry, even though Ifelt like an oddball, I realize I'm not alone.
I dreamed about school discipline and visiting oldreligious sites. Thinking about the past makes mereflect on my current language learning andinability to master new skills.
I also remember neighbors going out at night,which triggers feelings of inadequacy. Creatingcover art over blogs can be overwhelming.
When I focus intensely, I feel unstable but alsoproductive. Middle school felt stable. Maybe dueto a manic phase followed by a crash, dreams of mygrandmother still affect me.
I enjoy pondering phenomenon UFO and ghost report.Ghosts seem hallucinatory. UFOs are likely reconnaissance aircraft.
21:20
Since with my parents in painful, I tried newfood, like red kidney beans, but they were tasteless. Observing idols with orthodontic speechmakes me worry about my own inability to broadcastin the future.
I used to push myself late at night with Englishand exercise, aiming for constant growth. Now Ijust listen to podcasts, accepting that survivaland small daily achievement are enough.
I recall childhood frustrations with my fatherduring softball. He also insisted subtitles arealways correct, which I disagreed with growing upisolated.
I grabbed recognition without realizing thecontradiction. I questioned following potentiallisteners on X and constantly overthought. Eatingwithout fully perceiving taste triggers anxiety.
While expecting or predicting flavors createseither boredom or panic. I faced challengingqualifications in school to fill gaps in myself.Learning English or Spanish feels similar.
A way to pass time, not gain inherent abilities,programming and philosophy, feels impossible. I'mdesigning a cover depicting a hikikomori in aspaceship, but illness could make the settingelement creating frustration.
Local supermarkets like Daiji and Seikomart offergood food. I discuss nuances like eggplant with sorry kabayaki. Even delicious food can feel tasteless if I'm unsettled.
24:07
I noticed idol-hating siblings or wonder why riceballs are so culturally appealing in Japan.Watching videos, I see neurodivergent peopleclaiming they can relate even to others likethemselves.
I comfort the reality the ability is largelyinherited, which is hard in Japan's culture ofeffort worships. Studying English is partly a timefilter, not a guaranteed skill builder.
I wonder about the meaning of savoring food,sometimes feeling nihilistic. Mild stress helpsfocus attention according to psychology.
Even as a child, I had odd tendencies with newbikes and toys. I still chased multiple languagesdespite English. Suffice to think that my mentalage may not have changed since high school.
Watching WBC, I emphasize with athletes. Disappointed videos of child performers fascinate me. Irealize some abilities are genetic and not fullyattainable through effort, programming,philosophy, and other means.
Pursuit feel beyond me. I spend remaining time inquit. Subdued reflection. Cover art strugglesreflect fear about future illness making the homeearth spaceship setting unusable.
Local foods delight ramen a small pleasure, thoughfreedom of choice is limited. Meals anddiscussions with parents continue to triggerreflection.
Observing idols, media, and society, I constantlyanalyze behaviors in constants and preferences. Myreflections expand mental health.
27:15
Personal limits and daily routines are alwaysbalancing constants. Curiosity, nostalgia, andexistential doubts.
I get really nervous talking to my relativesbecause I don't want them to look down on me. Eventhough I'm trying to be nice, they act so superiorand say things that upset me, then I just panic.Is that not normal?
In high school, I used to imagine a girl tellingme she liked me more than my friend. I fell asleepthinking about how much I'd freak out if thatactually happened. In middle school, I lied abouthaving a girlfriend and things just got out ofcontrol.
Sometimes I imagine hanging out with a friend at adinner. I wonder why rice balls taste so muchbetter just by shaping than by hand.
My parents say they've only had salmon, pork cutlet, outlet balls once or twice, but they'vedefinitely had them at least 20 times, I don't getwhy.
They are so sure they ate it once when they can'teven remember it. It's frustrating because theinfo I get from my parents is so unreliable.
I'm nothing like the typical image of a shut-in. Ikeep a regular routine and my room is alwaysclean. I'm too hard on myself so I can't justrelax. Whenever I get a good idea, it actuallykinda scares me.
Japanese speech is flat, but English has a nicerhythm, which seems more practical. I practice mypronunciation, but sometimes I feel like it's allpointless. I'm always overthinking the title andcover art for my podcast.
30:09
My stomach was killing me all day today, sometimescoming to fix things tomorrow, and I'm worriedabout my stomach acting up. I haven't had COVID orthe vaccine, so I feel like I'm living in adifferent world from everyone else.
I wonder why I'm always overthinking things and Ikeep trying to change my podcast name and coverart, but then I just give up. I'm too much of aperfectionist. Last night, my parents made an omelet with way too much ground meat. It made mereally crave gyoza.
The sweet potatoes were good, though they tastelike dried sweet potatoes. I'm worried abouttomorrow because the repairman is coming. If Ihave to go to the bathroom while he's here, I don't know what I'll do. I'm already feeling anxiousabout it.
I feel so lonely sometimes because I haven't hadCOVID and I haven't been vaccinated. It feels likeI'm the only one left in this world who likesthis. Would you like me to adjust the tone of anyspecific part to be even more casual?
I'm shocked that my podcast chat went back tobeing a random talk show. Like when I firststarted, I spent 50 minutes questioning myparents, wondering if they messed with my episodesetting by mistake.
I still think about high school. I wish I hadapologized to my friend back then after being meanto him when he messed up an experiment. I keep rebraining it in my head. I try not to change mypodcast cover name and music, but I just give up.My perfectionism always gets in the way and ruinseverything.
Last night, dinner was an omelette, sweetpotatoes, carrot, and kimchi. The sweet potato wasso good. They taste just like dried one. Anyway,that's it for today. Thanks for watching.
33:05
I often imagine meeting my best friend at dinner.I think about how to act if they are in a bad moodor telling their parents how much I respect them.I even imagine talking back to the librarian aftergetting in trouble along with some kids.
I also remember how I lied about having agirlfriend in middle school and how things justgot out of control.
Learning English made me realize that Japanesespeech is flat, and English has a lot of realism.This shows our personalities too. Japanese peopletend to think, just give it your all.
Even if it's good, logical English speakers aremore practical and only emphasize the importantpart. I think Japanese people can be a bit sillysometimes, but at least it's safe and the streetsare clean.
I was talking to my parents about why Chibi Maruko-chan doesn't have more movies. I think it's moreinteresting than Doraemon.
I got some old videos of Doraemon and Ultramanfrom a family friend and they are exactly what Ilike. I guess I get along a bit with oldergenerations.
My parents had a miscarriage 10 years before I wasborn, so sometimes I wonder if I was actuallysupposed to be born back then.
I don't understand why people use complicatedwords to explain modern art. If you have somethingto say, just write it down. Music should just beabout beautiful sounds and chords, not some deepmessage in the lyrics linking art to difficultiesthat feel stupid.
People think shut-ins have messy rooms and eatjunk food, but I'm healthy and my routine isstable. My room isn't messy because I don't earnmuch. I feel totally out of sync with both theoutside world and other shut-ins.
My stomach was killing me all afternoon. It'sfrustrating because I don't know why. My parentsand I were talking about turds while watching TV.
She said sometimes looks like pound cake, and eventhough I explained there are different kinds ofturds, they weren't really listening. Ourconversation never quite match up.
36:20
I'm making a cover for my podcast, but it's hardto show my serious shut-in side. I feel okay whenI'm focused, but I feel borne out as soon as I'mdone. I think I was happiest when I spent threemonths just trying to pick a toothbrush.
Whenever I go downstairs, my dad is always sittingat the computer. He's usually standing, so I wouldsuspect that he's just pausing to avoid feelingguilty because I'm there.
Also, sea urchin would probably taste betterwithout seaweed, but I guess it's necessary forthe shape. When I asked my parents, they just say,whatever is fine. It makes me mad.
When local TV shows feature things that aren'teven famous in that area, it's very fake. I wasalso looking into what Akira Teruyama did afterDragon Ball. I feel frustrated thinking that if Ihad this talent, I would have made so much more.
I imagined a scene where an idol captain crieswith a member who's having a hard time seeing Masahiro Matsuoka move to Hokkaido in a car. I'm afan of Nogizaka 46, but I don't get their choicefor the center sometimes. It feels like the staffhas no taste and just wanna surprise people.
Also, their flirty outfits feel wrong. Theyusually like simple styles more. When I had ablog, I was obsessed with plugins. Now I'mobsessed with English pronunciation, but sometimesI feel empty and wonder what the point is.
I'm jealous of people who can get lost in things,but I always question the meaning unless Iabsolutely have to do it. I ended up watching theWBG and Kimura Takuya videos out of habit insteadof Nogizaka.
I also checked out Nijiko and Matsuoka's drawingshows. I can go into the bathroom right aftersomeone else because I feel like dust is flyingeverywhere. I also have a habit of putting my handand my underwear without thinking, which makeswashing my head a struggle.
39:19
For the last three times, I've been falling asleepto podcasts and doing it unconsciously because ofan itch. It sucks that I'm bothering my family. Myparents mess up the date for the baseball game andconfuse me.
They also describe a snack with white chocolate ashaving liquid on it, which was hard to understandsince my parents are my only source of info. It'sa problem that they're so unreliable. I getannoyed when they misinterpret facts, like aNetflix stat.
When I get a good idea, I actually get scaredbecause it ruins my identity of having no talent.I keep destroying and remaking things. I also waitimpatiently and feel pressured enough to wastetime so I can just relax.
I've been feeling like a nihilist since I've leftmy religion, but it helps me in some ways. I findmyself overthinking things, like the relationshipbetween other podcasters. I also keep worryingabout how long my episodes should be.
The most fun I've ever had was probably having lucid dreams. I hoped the world would change afterthe pandemic, but it didn't and makes me sad. Ieven suspect my dentist only wants me to visitevery three months for the money.
I used to only want plain tofu because I didn'twant to ruin the flavor, but I realized thatingredients and seasonings are different things.Still, I worry about eating them because I'mparanoid about how I smell. I can't even enjoy avideo without overthinking if I'm actuallyenjoying it.
I should shock myself when back to the random talkstyle. I even interrogated my parents for 15minutes because I thought they messed with myepisode titles. I still regret being mean to thefriend in high school who failed an experiment. Iwish they'd just apologize.
42:08
Last night, dinner was omelet, sweet potato,carrot, and kimchi. The sweet potato were great.
