00:17
Welcome to the podcast. I haven't gone outside inover 15 years.
No commute, no bus. Still somehow fully equippedwith problems.
Parent of my friend out of stock. This show isjust daily life from long-form HIKIKOMORI mode.
I asked my mom this morning.
She kept refusing to send a complaint letter tothe religion with me.
Even though she has no right to refuse that. So Itold her,
Think of a solution so the next problem won'thappen.
It's been like two weeks since then, and she hasn't
said anything. She hasn't said anything. So today,this morning, I asked again.
Of course, you're thinking about it, right? If shedoesn't come up with a solution,
and something happens again, that's a hugeemergency.
I'm seriously curious. I told her,
If you really have a solution, then you don't needto send a letter.
But she didn't say anything for days.
If she's really thinking, she should be thinkinglike her life depends on it.
It's like hollowing money and not being able topay it back.
You'd desperately...
You'd desperately trying to get the money, right?
So this morning, I asked again. She said,
I'm thinking about it. I knew she was lying, so Iasked again.
Are you really thinking about it? She said shewas.
Around the fifth time, she finally confessed.
She suddenly went quick and said,
Well, it crossed my mind a little.
03:00
That's ridiculous. She should be thinking about itimmediately.
So I said, Okay, I understand.
You can take a shower, but you don't go into abathtub.
And because she lied, it's five days.
She doesn't find a solution.
I'll extend it. And when that kind of thinghappens,
I almost explode. I try to calm down.
Calm down and go upstairs.
But the moment she turned on the heater,
I got pissed off again.
I said, Turn off the heater.
Idiot. I'll say it again.
Turn off the heater. Idiot.
Earlier today, something strange happened.
Some episodes didn't upload correctly and few weremissing.
I asked my mom, Did you really post them?
Her explanation made no sense.
She didn't understand what happened.
But she still tried to make excuse and even blameme.
She said you told me to upload the English one.
Together with the Japanese one.
I told her that uploading two episodes together.
But nothing to do with the order changing.
I said she should have just upload the 27thepisode.
And then the English one is order.
Then she suddenly said,
I won't know until I look at it.
I look at it.
If she can't know without checking,
Then she shouldn't have been giving excuse in thefirst place.
She talked confidently.
But in the end, she admitted she didn't knowanything.
She said the data didn't show up.
So she made up a reason in her head.
And the first is to make sense.
She turned maybe this into,
You said this, so I did that.
She always does that.
She creates fake memory and use them as excuse.
Let me repeat the important part.
She usually post everything correctly.
06:01
But this time the upload skipped.
When asked why, she blamed me.
You said this, so I did that.
But uploading two episodes together.
Has nothing to do with the order changing.
When I pointed that out,
She said I won't know until I check.
But she had already been answering as if she knew.
If she can't answer without checking,
She shouldn't answer at all.
The reason she gave has nothing to do with thereal cause.
She said something that sounded believable.
But it was completely unrelated.
I always tell her not to make excuse when shedoesn't know anything.
And not to create fake memories.
Later, she always said, I don't know why I saidthat.
But when she making excuse,
She very confident and insists she right.
I tell her it's the usual pattern.
And she said, no, this is different.
Then I talked about school.
People say cooperation is important.
But they also make student compete.
It's contradictory.
It's sports, especially in Japan.
This contradiction is obvious.
In Major League Baseball,
Players don't think about cooperation.
And they have to beat others to reach the majors.
Because minor league life is harsh.
So competition is the reality.
So what is the team sport?
Is it cooperation or competition?
Reality is it's competition.
Especially with people in the same position.
But on the surface, everyone pretends to valueteamwork.
Students have a hard time.
If they focus on competition, they're told tocooperate more.
If they focus on cooperation, they're still forcedto compete.
Adults say studying is important.
But they also think other than studying areimportant.
And it's contradiction.
09:00
If studying is important, then study.
If studying isn't everything, then do both.
There's no point in saying studying is important.
But other things matter.
Do.
People say school is fun.
But school isn't fun.
Class are boring.
Kids think school is fun.
Because they're told it's fun.
I never understood that.
I didn't wanna play with friend.
But most kids prefer playing games with friend.
I never understood why people pretend school isfun.
Teachers tell students to learn social skills.
But they never teach how.
They tell students to listen seriously in class.
But they don't try to make class interesting.
They don't change at all.
But they're gonna yell at students.
They should improve themselves first.
Some teacher use the student bathroom and camelate to class.
It was terrible.
Independent research in school isn't reallyindependent.
Maybe it's just a fear of speech.
But it's not free at all.
Adults say take care of yourself.
But in Japan you can't survive unless you adjustto others.
That advice doesn't match reality.
That advice doesn't match reality.
Teachers tell students to learn social skills.
Or to learn how to cooperate.
But they never teach how to do that.
There are no method.
No guidance at all.
Teachers also yell.
Listen to class seriously.
But they don't try to make class interesting.
I think they should put at least a little effortinto that.
Even 10% more effort should help.
But teachers never change.
If they yell at students that much,
they should improve themselves first.
If I were a teacher,
I would think that yelling at students
means I have to be even more responsible anddisciplined.
12:07
But in reality,
teachers use the student's bathroom.
They came later to class.
And it was terrible.
Independent research in school.
I'm recording this now.
This morning my mom felt guilty about turning onthe heater.
Sometimes she doesn't turn it on.
Because she thinks I'll get angry.
When I go downstairs,
I wonder what happens if it's freezing cold.
But nothing happened.
Everything was the same as usual.
So I didn't know what to think.
Now about English.
I focus on pronunciation.
But I worry about what happens when I get older.
What if I can't pronounce a thing anymore?
What if I lose my hearing?
I think about both possibilities.
I don't aim for perfection.
And I just want to be understood.
But I still practice.
So the idea of suddenly losing everything feelspainful.
At first I thought the pain came from losing whatI worked for.
But the real reason is different.
If I'm gonna lose it anyway when I get older,
I start to feel like doing it now is pointless.
I start to feel like doing it now is pointless.
With Japanese, if I can speak somebody someday,
I can still write a blog.
But English is different.
If I can't speak, I can't make English contentanymore.
I would have to say goodbye to English.
Completely that's big difference.
I started to feel like I understood how athletesfeel.
Actually, I realized I had doubt about this longbefore I even started studying English.
A famous baseball manager once said
he would never let his son play baseball.
15:02
He said the most players retire around 30.
And the rest of life is much longer.
You can keep improving after that.
That's why he didn't want his son to play.
That's the point you spend years doing something.
You try to master it for life.
You say think like without think I'm not myself.
But when you turn 30, you have to let it go.
Some people cling to it and try to stay involvedby becoming a coach.
Telling themselves they are still continuing.
But that's just an illusion.
This is a huge problem for humans.
Kings built pyramids and tombs.
People try to leave children behind.
All because they are afraid that everything theybuilt will disappear.
That fear creates ideas like the afterlife.
Everyone feels this.
But for me, it's especially strong.
If I'm gonna lose everything anyway.
I start to feel like there's no point in doinganything.
Ten years ago, I thought I had gone beyond thatmindset.
I thought I didn't see it as right or wronganymore.
But I was wrong.
When I study English and trying to gain somethingmeaningful,
I start to fear losing it.
Thinking about that made me realize somethingwrong before.
In middle school, I was running away.
If I aimed seriously for high school entrance examand failed,
other people could say,
It's not a big deal.
But I couldn't.
I thought effort itself was important.
I was working hard.
So I turned it into something spiritual.
Spiritual.
Not exactly spiritual.
But something like this will help my soul grow.
It was a simple way of thinking.
So I told myself that passing or failing didn'tmatter.
That was just an escape.
I finally realized that I couldn't face thingshead on.
18:05
But in high school, I didn't face things directly.
And I broke down mentally.
I often imagined telling relatives,
I don't care if I become mentally ill.
I'll aim for the university of Tokyo or Hokkaidouniversity.
I imagined myself saying that.
Even now, while talking, I imagine things like,
If I became a dentist someday,
my parents would come to the clinic
and the dental assistant would say,
Oh, these are your parents.
And my parents would say,
It's been years since we came to the dentist.
Then I remembered on the next topic.
Snow Man had a dance battle with another grouptoday.
And I was really moved.
I support Nogizaka.
And so I understand a little about how hard I dowork.
Snow Man has a crazy schedule.
But they accept it as normal.
And that really impressed me.
I thought these people are unbelievable.
Nogizaka is also extremely busy.
But Snow Man felt like something else.
Compared to the other performers,
Snow Man was the best.
They won in the end.
And even from my point of view,
they were clearly the best.
I was honestly moved.
I started thinking they might be the strongestidol group.
Before this, I didn't really understand them.
When they came to Sapporo Dome for two or threedays in a row,
I thought, wow, that's insane.
But I didn't fully get it.
I used to watch many idol groups.
And I always felt that former Japanese groups
were on another level.
Snap, Snow Man, they are just different.
If possible,
I wish Sony would create more dance-focused idolgroups.
I support the Sakamichi groups.
So that would be fun.
But I hate complicated things
like this company and that company.
21:02
This is the subsidiary of that.
That's why I hate politics and economics.
Sony has many overseas artists.
But it's still a Japanese company.
It makes no sense.
How does that even work?
Everyone agrees that the center of the music worldis America.
So it feels strange that the Japanese company isso central.
So where is global?
I think Eminem is under Sony.
And Utada Hikaru, too.
Maybe Justin Bieber as well.
I'm not sure.
There was also a female idol who lost a lot ofweight.
And I was strangely moved by that.
I thought, people can't change this much.
Maybe it's rude.
But that was my honest reaction.
Celebrities gaining weight as they get older isnormal.
But then I was still moved.
It made me think, wow, this really happened.
On the other hand, when I see Nogizaka members whostay slim even after
turning 30 or after leaving the group, I respectthem even more.
Snow Man is only in their fifth year.
And that also impressed me.
Nogizaka in their fifth year was already doingamazing things, too.
Maybe they were already doing concerts.
They were huge.
Snow Man has already done two dome tours.
And what are they?
Maybe male groups rise first, I don't know.
The frustrating part is that Snow Man is under ABEX.
I support the Sakamichi groups and Sony.
So it feels complicated.
People say seeing someone work hard is moving.
But that's like thinking brand name, rice tastesbetter.
And because of the label, it's the same idea.
People get moved because of bias.
I'm the same.
Because I work hard, I want to believe effort isbeautiful.
When I watch show like this, everyone is workingso hard.
But I feel like I should work harder, too.
24:00
But most people break their balance.
And when they suddenly push themselves, peoplehave their own pace built over many years.
When they suddenly try to do more, they crash,they lose balance, get sick or injured.
I think many people end up like that.
About English again, I'll record my podcast inEnglish and that's enough for me.
As long as I can record, I'll keep practicingpronunciation and keep uploading episodes.
If someday I can't speak English anymore, I'lljust quit English.
That's a realistic choice.
It's like athletes when they lose their musclesand stop away from the front line.
They start gaining weight.
There are no other paths.
You just follow that path.
I had that idea when I was in high school, forexample.
I went to a math event in the science departmentand it was really interesting.
But the things you study in university are almostnever used in real life.
Same with what you learn in elementary, middle andhigh school.
In university, you research and try to mastersomething.
You dive into what you really love.
Go to university and grad school.
And then when you get a job, all of it disappears.
It's like torture.
No matter what kind of engineer you become, youonly use the knowledge.
You don't become a researcher.
Most people cannot become researchers because oftheir lack of positions.
I also wanted to be a researcher.
But in the end, I would just become an engineer.
That felt like torture.
So I wonder if medical jobs were different.
If I became a doctor, maybe I could keep doingresearch.
If I worked in healthcare, maybe I could still goto university.
Nurses and physical therapists can do researchtoo.
Maybe I could join a medical department.
I wasn't sure.
I admire doctors.
Not because I wanted to be at the top or become aprofessor.
But because I wanted to be a researcher for life.
27:03
For life.
You don't have anything you wanna do inuniversity.
You don't need to go.
But if you go and you find something you love.
It's painful if you can't continue it.
It feels like torture.
You spend millions of yen.
Study for four or six years.
Stay in love until midnight.
And then you can't continue it in the future.
It feels stupid.
I don't wanna do something that I can't continuein the future.
But athletes know all of this.
And still choose that life.
They say things like this moment is shining.
And maybe that's kind of beautiful lie and fine.
Beautiful lie is fine.
I worry about losing my hearing.
It's a bit mentally heavy.
But even without being mentally unstable.
I naturally start thinking like that.
If I hadn't studied English.
I wouldn't think this way.
But if start saying that.
There's no end.
When you get older.
Your hearing gets worse.
Anything can happen.
Your body isn't safe forever.
Forever.
So I think about it.
When normal people burn out.
They recover in two weeks.
But I don't recover.
Even after two or three years.
That makes me even more scared.
I wonder when all my English practice was full.
I only study pronunciation a little.
But I still record my podcast in English.
If someday everything suddenly disappears.
I don't know what to think.
I thought about listening to English podcast.
And recommending them.
But I don't listen to English podcast.
I thought about writing a pronunciation blog.
But if I can't speak.
That's hard too.
I start thinking about the point of practicingpronunciation.
Now.
But life is like that.
When you die.
Your savings.
Your achievement.
Achievement.
Your relationships.
Everything disappears.
If I think about that.
There's no end.
But because I'm perfectionist.
30:02
I think too much.
So I try to keep balance.
And continue English anyway.
But even with balance.
Things that still come back.
By the way.
About America.
I looked it up earlier.
Japan.
A lot of companies overseas.
There are many subsidiaries.
The announcer on TV seemed to struggle saying.
Sony Entertainment or whatever it was.
A former Nogizaka member quit the entertainmentworld.
And got a job at Sony a few years ago.
I thought that was amazing.
I was honestly moved.
This might sound strange.
But when I watched WBG.
I wonder what motivates players.
Even if they get a hit in a game.
Like that.
It doesn't count as a record.
They've already experienced so many intense.
High pressure situations.
So I wonder what they're thinking.
But as long as they don't get injured.
Playing seriously doesn't hurt them.
It's like the NBA all-star game.
If we don't get injured.
There's no downside to trying.
It made me think about a lot of things.
It's evening now.
And I'm eating dinner.
I forgot to talk about yesterday's dinner.
We had croquettes.
Grilled croquettes and pumpkin croquettes.
They were good.
Today something strange happened.
We only have tsukune about once a year.
And I only talk about tsukune.
Maybe once every three years.
But today I talked about tsukune.
And then it actually appeared at dinner.
It's weird because if we only have it once a year.
It's strange it was even in the fridge.
I had no way of knowing it was there.
Sometimes these little coincidences happen.
It doesn't mean anything.
But it's interesting.
When I was younger.
I was awkward and got made fun of a lot.
But on TV there are plenty of chubby awkward oldmen.
33:04
When I see that.
I wonder when I was the only one who got made funof so much.
Maybe I was awkward.
Or maybe my appearance wasn't put together.
In elementary school.
I probably didn't look very neat.
I finished writing the show description.
But I'm not sure if it's good.
Now I have to make the cover art again.
I have no sense for design.
So it's hard.
Thomas and the other philosopher.
I forgot the name.
Someone with personality similar to mine.
In his notes.
He wrote something like.
When I'm working on art.
I can live even if I feel nihilistic.
I can focus on what's in front of me.
I envy people like that.
I can't lose myself in art at all.
Not even for a moment.
I also think a lot about people's feelings.
In the dance battle area.
There was an elementary school kid.
Who looked really frustrated.
If I were that age.
I would think.
If I show this attitude.
The coach will say.
I'm serious.
Kids in strict baseball clubs.
Care a lot about.
How they look to the coach.
In the dance battle.
There was an elementary school kid.
Who looked really frustrated.
If I were that age.
I would think.
If I show this attitude.
The coach will say.
I'm serious.
Kids in strict baseball clubs.
Care a lot about.
How they look to the coach.
I don't know.
How kids today are.
But thinking about that possibility.
Feels scary.
At the pro level.
Especially among top dancers.
Many of them have very uneven abilities.
A lot of them are smart.
Kento Mori went to a science university.
He seemed really smart.
And maybe that's why.
He can think of those complicated formations.
Maybe that's separate from dance ability.
But special skills must be important.
36:01
And they can copy movement.
Just by watching.
People say that.
Autistic people.
Have weak theory of mind.
So they can copy things well.
But dancers must have some ability.
That's extremely strong.
They need something that stand out.
You might say.
Every field needs talent.
But dance feels especially strange.
There are many male dancers.
Who act feminine.
I know at least three choreographers like that.
People who are insanely good at dance.
Often have some special talent.
Or a bit usual.
That's just my own observation.
I don't trust statistics.
But even with such a small sample size.
The pattern is so clear.
That I feel like I don't even need statistics.
Sometimes trusting my own intuition.
Feels more reliable than statistics.
I think trusting your own sense.
Is important sometimes.
Thank you for listening.
Please follow this program.
See you again.
