00:11
So, we've been talking about time and busy-ness and things like that.
And I have one more sort of like recent realization about time.
And that is the new sort of like concept of wasting time.
Quote-unquote wasting time.
So, there are many ways to waste time.
But some of the most useless ways of spending time
I now realize is when you sort of spend your time
disliking yourself.
Oh, that's useless.
I'm not sure.
Like, I don't want to like...
Here's my example.
I'll give you some example.
In my conversation with my friends,
I realized that I have spent a lifetime of microseconds of not liking myself.
You know, generally speaking, I'm a fairly confident person.
I'm generally...
You know, I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty happy with myself most of the time.
But there are moments like when I'm maybe dancing
and realize I'm not doing as good of a job.
Or when I am walking and catch myself in the window,
my own reflection, and just like think,
ew, sometimes, to myself.
Or like, is that how I look like?
Or, you know, that kind of like useless self-conscious thoughts.
And those usually come and go, right?
It's like, it's just...
It doesn't linger too much.
It doesn't stick too much, thankfully, because...
I don't know, maybe just because I am generally a pretty happy person
and it doesn't really get to me.
It's not like I've spent a significant time,
consecutive time, thinking I look terrible
or I don't like how I am dancing
or how I'm doing in my job or things like that.
But I feel like, like every day almost,
there's like little snippets of time where I think,
oh, that's not good.
Or like, things like...
Judgmental?
Judgmental thoughts about myself.
Yeah, exactly.
That's a better way to think about it.
Judgmental thoughts about myself that's completely unhelpful.
Sometimes, you know, those judgmental thoughts
give you reason to improve, right?
03:00
So it's not all bad.
But more often than not,
these judgmental thoughts are just like
harmful and hurtful to myself.
It's like I'm hurting myself for no reason.
And it doesn't help me.
It only makes me feel bad.
And that's it.
And I realized,
I probably spent a lot of my,
these microseconds of judgmental thoughts.
If I accumulate, if I add all of that,
of what happened to like how many minutes,
hours, days of that has happened
in my 30 years plus life.
It's probably, sadly,
a significant chunk of my time.
We might all, you know,
could have experienced that, right?
Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
More or less.
More or less, yeah.
And I don't want to say that all of that is unhealthy, right?
Because some of these thoughts definitely
have made me realize,
oh, I need to be better.
Or I could do this better.
But many times,
it was just hurtful thoughts about myself.
And it didn't help me get better.
It just made me feel bad.
And I want to try
and be conscious about
how much time I spent doing that.
Now that I'm sort of realizing,
if I add up all of these split seconds
of judgmental thoughts to myself,
that's a new way I realize
I've been wasting my time, you know?
Those minutes add up.
It's a big chunk of my life
where I felt bad
and didn't do anything about it, right?
It doesn't go anywhere.
Yeah, it doesn't go anywhere.
And yet, I think the world is full of
messaging about how to feel bad about yourself.
You're not smart enough.
You're not pretty enough.
You're not X and Y and Z enough.
And there's so many overt and covert subliminal messaging
from the world around you
to make you sort of feel bad about yourself.
Exactly.
And this book, Reading Momo,
because it made me hyper-aware of this concept of time
and how I'm using my time,
made me realize I probably
want to be more conscious about
this using time to hurt myself.
Yeah, it's just a thought.
06:02
I don't really have an answer to
okay, therefore, what do I do?
I don't really have a solution to that, but I...
But being conscious about those moments
could be important, right?
Because that way you can have control over those thoughts.
Right, like I know that those times exist.
It may happen, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I'm sure that some of those times,
some of those judgmental thoughts,
I think I can do something about it, right?
Like if I catch myself feeling bad about myself
for the same reason over and over again,
there's probably just a thought pattern
that happens in my head,
and maybe I associate certain things
with something that I don't like about myself,
and maybe I can sort of do something about it
to change that mindset,
or change so that I will be better,
instead of just feeling bad
and not doing anything about it.
Yeah, it's so crazy,
at least, I don't know about you,
but at least for me,
because I generally think,
if anything, I think I'm a pretty amai person to myself,
you know?
Like I know so many other people
who are way harsh on themselves,
and they expect so much from themselves,
and I'm just like, eh,
I'm sometimes alright,
sometimes not that great,
but that's okay.
I think I have a very reasonable relationship with myself,
and even then, I catch these things.
So I can only imagine all these stoic people
who are very,
very have high expectations for themselves,
and sort of perfectionists,
how much time they must spend judging themselves,
and yeah, spending all these useless time
hurting themselves,
and yeah, that's like,
I did not realize that this is what I would get
from nostalgia reading Momo,
from like, you know,
in my parents' house,
so I think I'll be thinking about time
for the next few days,
few weeks maybe even,
just because it's so precious,
you know?
You are as,
like you have the maximum amount of time
for the rest of your life right now,
and the time is only decreasing as you live.
And relatively,
so I mean,
I've been reading a book about,
so it's all about time, right?
09:00
So if you only had two years left,
because you never know what will happen
in the next moment, right?
Then, is it really worth doing
what you're doing right now?
What makes you, you know,
your life meaningful to you,
like the each moment, right?
So that's the book I've been reading recently,
and then I never knew that content
would be associated with this conversation.
Maybe why I started to think about
how I use my time,
might be related to that.
I didn't really connect to those.
Yeah, we didn't plan this.
We weren't like,
let's talk about time.
But that's interesting,
because yeah,
and it's funny,
because time to time,
I become hyper aware of how old I am.
And that happens frequently
when I met a really good book,
or a movie,
or things like that,
or music,
or just new ideas.
I'm like, wow, I'm 30 now.
And I think about,
oh, I'm so happy that a 30 year old me
discovered and met this book,
art, music, whatever.
Because I'm so curious
what my 40 year old self
would think about
meeting this piece of artwork
when I'm 30.
And, you know,
how my relationship with this artwork
has evolved in the next 10 years.
And, you know,
when you think about it,
the books you read as a kid,
or music you listen to
when you're a teen age,
those huge impact,
not because they were great,
but because it happened
at that time in your life.
In itself,
may have been just a complete trash,
pop, whatever,
stuff that's not even that good quality.
But it meant something to you
because you met this piece of artwork
when you were this specific age.
And that's special, I think.
And when I think about it,
it makes me really not want to waste time
because 30 year old me
only happens for 365 days in my life.
And that's a very limited time.
And I'm more likely to miss
12:00
this window of time
not looking or reading or watching
stuff that could influence me
for the rest of my life.
Or stuff that is so important to me
because it happened to a 30 year old me
rather than 31 year old me, for instance.
And when you think about it,
suddenly the concept of time
and not wanting to waste time
becomes huge.
I don't know why.
But that's what happens
when I usually see or hear,
experience some kind of artwork.
I think I still treat science
much like information and knowledge.
And there are definitely certain
scientific concepts that I'm glad
that I met at a certain time in my life.
But these things,
I don't really have to try hard
to get to know
because I'm already curious about it
and I just let my curiosity run.
But things like music, artwork,
or friends you make,
so much of it seems to happen
in an unconscious level
where it's not like I consciously decided to.
I want to be friends with you
and become friends.
It just happened to become friends.
And that person becomes very important
for a particular season of your life.
These things, I feel,
happens outside of my consciousness
and that's why I want to be extra mindful
that I have space and bandwidth in my life
for these things to happen
rather than being too busy.
I guess coming back to the concept
of being too busy,
to not have a yohaku in your life
for that to just not happen.
Because you don't know in that minute,
in that moment,
you don't know if it's that important
to read this book or listen to this music
or see these artworks
or go to a museum for this particular artwork.
You don't know if it's going to be important.
But you still need space in your life
for that to happen.
And it might become important.
It just feels like it's really
15:00
things that I cannot make myself do.
I don't have the power to make
this piece of music that I'm listening to
important in my life.
I cannot make a conscious decision for that.
But I could let it happen.
We unexpectedly became too deep.
Let's stop that.
That's it for the show today.
Thanks for listening
and find us on X at Eigo de Science.
That is E-I-G-O-D-E-S-C-I-E-N-C-E.
See you next time!
