00:02
Welcome to Jay and Eri Podcast.
I am Jay.
I am Eri.
This podcast is live-streamed on international couples who live with a Canadian husband and two children.
So, today I have a question.
日本人とのコミュニケーション
Do you have any tips when you spend time with Japanese?
Japanese.
Japanese people.
People, yes.
There's a lot of tips, you know.
I think these are things you will understand as you live in Japan more and more.
Yes.
Japanese people are not really honest about their feelings, but not in a negative way.
They feel a certain way because they try to avoid confrontation as much as possible.
Confrontation.
Confrontation.
So, they don't want to confront any sort of issue that might happen.
To avoid problems?
To avoid problems or to avoid hurting other people.
Hurting.
Ah, yes.
It's kind of like Japanese people will tell white lies a lot.
A white lie is...
White lie.
A white lie is when people lie to kind of protect the other person or to protect the people.
I understand.
You know what I mean?
Or like to protect the situation or protect the friendship or something like that, right?
A very good example of this is...
Yes.
Do you remember when I had you watch Kotaro Lives Alone?
Yes.
And the very last episode, he didn't want to tell the kid...
He didn't want to tell Kotaro that his mom has passed away.
Ah, yes.
So, he said he had to lie.
That's a white lie.
Yes.
To protect Kotaro's feelings.
Exactly.
Exactly.
The thing is this can kind of...
It can kind of butt into the relationship with foreigners because foreigners don't have the same outlook.
Like we do white lie, but we're also people that live through confrontation.
And so, we'd rather just like discuss the problem and fix the problem that way rather than kind of going around.
So, a lot of the times when it comes to...
Like examples of that in Japan would be when somebody's like,
Oh, hey, like I'd really like to do this or something like that.
And then a Japanese person will go like, Oh, yeah, you know, like sometime I would like to do that.
It's more of the fact that like they say that to kind of protect the relationship,
but they don't really seek to go ahead and do that or they don't want to do that.
So, you think...
Not all Japanese, but many Japanese sometimes tell which...
White lie?
Yeah, white lie, which we...
Like your example, even if they don't really like it.
Yeah.
We might say, Oh, I like it too.
Yes.
To protect the relationship.
I guess that's like kind of...
That's a sense of like...
I guess that's like...
So, that's something that foreigners...
As you...
As foreigners live in Japan more and more, they'll get used to it.
But it's something that really catches people off guard.
Because a lot of the times when they're talking with friends that they've made that are Japanese,
or if they have like a relationship with a Japanese man or a Japanese woman,
they will say these things and say like, Listen, like if there's something wrong, please tell me.
And as a foreigner, that's what we like.
But a lot of the times that doesn't kind of translate the same way to Japanese people.
So, it's definitely something that causes a little bit of friction between the two cultures.
So, you...
関係の構築
So, like tips?
You try to say those like, Oh, tell me the truth.
I think...
Before you talk to Japanese?
I think what my tip for this is to kind of...
If you're in Japan, you have to try and understand the way Japanese people think
before you expect them to think like you do.
Yes.
Because you're in Japan, right?
So, but over time, like don't throw...
Like if you have like, let's say, like a guy is going out with a girl,
or a girl is going out with a guy,
don't throw away the relationship so easy because you don't understand where they're coming from.
It's just like a cultural thing.
So, don't take your time.
Because once they get comfortable with you, and you get comfortable with them,
then it becomes a lot easier.
Like for us example.
Like more honest.
Yeah.
Like for us example, like we've got to a point where you can tell me what you think,
and I can tell you what I think, and it's just...
Yeah.
You know, but like we have to get to that stage.
Like it took us a while to get to that stage.
So, you think like, don't give up.
Yeah.
Even if you say in the beginning of your relationship, like, oh, just tell me how you feel.
They might not do it.
No.
Because they're still apprehensive about it.
Apprehensive.
Apprehensive meaning like they're still not sure.
Oh.
Right?
So, take your time.
And those barriers will break over time.
But you have to give it time.
That's like my one tip.
Oh.
So, but can you say the same things in Canada?
Like there's many, like multicultural.
Not really.
No?
Not really.
Like, when it comes to Canada, or like North America in general, like people will just
say what's on their mind.
Even if they're from Asia?
I don't know.
Like, I guess.
Like, I've had a lot of friends that are Filipino and a lot of different other Asians.
Like, if they're born and raised in Canada, they're going to act the same way.
It doesn't matter.
Right?
So, they choose you in Japan and us living here.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Oh, I see.
Another tip that I have is, how do I explain this?
How do I explain this?
In the beginning of a relationship, like a friendship or relationship or anything like
that, it's very important for you to kind of, like, keep yourself reserved.
Reserved.
日本における適応
Like, don't show like your complete self right away, because it might be a little bit like
overwhelming for a lot of Japanese people.
Oh, like he's too pushy.
Too pushy or like those kind of.
Yeah.
Don't.
Like, you have to, like, if you're in Japan, you have to do as Japanese people do.
We have a very common saying in English.
It's when in Rome, do as Romans do.
We have the same kotowaza.
Yeah.
So, like, we have that kind of saying.
And so, if you're in Japan, you can't expect Japanese people to, like, act like you.
You can't act in a way that is not, you know, in a sense, Japanese.
Right?
So, like, you have to give people time to, like, get comfortable with you.
I guess that's, like, why you call me a mild gaijin.
It's like, that's, like, of course, like, what I've done is I've assimilated into Japanese
culture to where I respect the culture, but I also bring, like, a little bit of my personality
into the relationship or into the friendships and stuff like that.
Right?
But, like, that's what people need to do.
They can't, if you're living in Japan as a foreigner, you can't expect to just act like
you would in Canada or in America or in Europe.
You can't.
Like, you're in another country, fucking assimilate.
Oh, then we can say that for tourists, too, as well.
Yeah.
Like, tourists have a little bit more of a leeway.
Yeah.
Because they're only here for a short time.
So.
We need to understand the local rules.
Yeah.
Like, you need to understand the local rules, but also, like, tourists have a little bit
more of, like, a pass.
Yeah.
Because they're just touring and, like, they don't remember all.
I'm sure that they all check and they're all like, okay, well, don't talk on the train.
Don't do this.
Like, sento.
Yeah.
Like, you know, watch out, like, what to do in sentos and stuff like that.
Like, bow and say it.
Those kinds.
They do.
But they don't remember everything.
No, no, no.
And.
Me neither.
So, and they don't know the level.
Right?
So, sometimes you will see, like, you know, people on train.
Everybody's quiet.
And you have tourists and they're by the doors.
Yes.
And they are talking, but they're talking loudly.
But to them, they don't think they're talking loudly.
It's normal to them.
They think it's normal.
Right?
But everybody else is like, even me, I've been here for, like, over 12, over 11 years.
Yes.
And I'm just kind of like, holy.
Urusa.
Oh, my God.
Be quiet.
True.
But they don't know.
So, they get a pass.
Yes.
Right?
Like, tourists, they get a pass.
I think with tourists, though, lately, is I don't think the tourists that have been coming after COVID, I don't think they've been very, like, aware.
Yeah.
Like, spatial awareness.
Do you know what spatial awareness means?
No.
Like, aware of the space.
Like, be aware of the space you take up.
So, a lot of the times, like, you'll see tourists in an area.
Yes.
They're, like, blocking a path.
And they don't realize they're blocking a path.
It's like a lot of the tourists that have passed by have had, like, zero spatial awareness of where they are.
And that's what really annoys people is, like, I think that's number one.
Like, my number one tip is be aware of the space you're taking up.
Space.
Especially as a foreigner.
Like, we're a lot bigger.
Like, a lot taller, a lot bigger.
Like, we take up a lot of space.
So, you have to be aware of the space you take up.
Right?
Especially on a train.
Like, for men, close your fucking legs.
Like, don't be manspreading.
Long legs.
Well, don't be manspreading.
Like, taking up all that space.
Like, don't do that.
And just because you see a Japanese person doing it doesn't mean you can do it, too.
Right?
It's different.
And lastly, my number one tip is remember all these things.
Because as a foreigner in Japan, like, it doesn't matter if you're African.
It doesn't matter if you're fucking European.
It doesn't matter if you're, like, American, Canadian, Brazilian.
It doesn't matter.
The one thing you need to understand is no matter what you are,
Japanese people just look at you as a foreigner.
So, we're all the same to Japanese.
Foreigner is a foreigner.
Yeah, foreigner is a foreigner.
We're all the same in Japan.
So, if one person does something stupid, it looks bad on everyone.
Yeah.
So, please.
I know you try hard.
Please.
Just remember to remember the space you're taking up.
Remember the volume in which you're speaking.
And if you get drunk, don't do stupid shit.
Okay?
Like, just please.
Because whatever you do makes it harder for us living here.
Yeah.
I think the same in the world.
To know.
Yeah, to know.
Because, like, I would say it's probably the same in...
Especially in Japan.
In any homogenous country.
Ah, I see.
Like a homogenous country.
So, like, the same can be said in South Korea.
The same can be said in China.
The same can be said in any other, like, homogenous country.
But for a multicultural country, it's not as big of a deal
because we don't know who is a foreigner and who is a tourist.
Like, we don't have foreigners.
You see many...
Yeah, like, you could be walking down the street,
and I wouldn't know that you're a foreigner.
I wouldn't know that you're a tourist.
日本における外国人の意識
Like, you could very well be born and raised in Canada.
Yes.
Like, I wouldn't know.
So, we don't have that kind of...
Yes.
The only time is, like, there is racism,
but it's not to the same extent.
The type of problems we have in Canada or in North America
are very different from Japan.
Right?
Like, as foreigners, we need to be more aware.
And we need to understand, like,
we're kind of, like, second-class citizens.
Like, there's Japanese people and there's us.
Ah, in Japan, yeah.
In Japan, in Japan.
Second-class.
We're, like, second-class.
And you just have to be aware of that.
Like, of course, it will change over time,
but you can't expect the country to change overnight.
Like, it's just the way it is, right?
But I can tell these days, many, I mean, tourists or foreigners,
everybody gets information from TikTok or Instagram.
Yeah.
Yeah, they do.
And I think more and more people are going to the...
are coming to Japan aware.
Like, they're coming to Japan aware,
but they're also...
there's a lot of, like, smaller things
that they're not really understanding that they should.
Yeah.
Try to see what happens.
But, like, I would also say, like,
there are, like, there are, like, rules that tourists should follow.
But there are some things that, like,
it's, like, a cultural thing that you don't do.
And I guess you can find videos of people saying,
like, hey, don't do these things.
But one tip is that I don't think Japanese people
will hold those things against, like, tourists, like, a lot.
Like, for example, if you, like, if you point with your chopsticks,
right, if you're foreigners doing that
and you're tourists, like, tourists doing that,
Japanese people will tell you, like, hey, you shouldn't do that.
But, like, they won't hold it against you
because you don't know, right?
We don't care.
You don't know.
You don't care, right?
Like, it wouldn't be something that they'll, like...
Yeah, we don't think it's really...
I can't believe this tourist.
...didn't know not to point with the chopsticks.
No, we don't.
They won't care.
No.
We don't say anything.
There's, like, certain things.
I think the main ones is don't, like, always put your trash
where it needs to go, like, in the trash bin.
Keep your trash and put it in the trash bin.
All stations have it.
Just wait until you get to a station.
Yes.
Right?
Number two is beware of your spatial awareness.
Like, try and not take up too much space.
No.
Right?
Especially when you're walking down the street,
don't go, like, as, like, this group of four
going, like, sideways along the path.
Like, come on.
Don't.
And number three, like, obviously, don't talk on the train.
Like, don't talk on the train.
And don't eat on the train.
Don't talk and don't eat on the train.
If you do those things,
Japanese people won't have a problem with you.
No.
Yeah, you're right.
Right?
But, like, all of the chopstick etiquette,
if you're not familiar with all the chopstick etiquette,
they won't hold it against you.
They'll actually tell you what to do and what not to do.
But they won't, like, hate you for it.
文化的な配慮
No.
Right?
And we don't think, oh, they're rude.
Yeah, they just know that you wouldn't know.
But I think we might think, oh, they're using chopsticks very well.
Yeah, I think that's the only thing.
But, like, when it comes to, like, things about the number four.
Right?
Number four.
Right?
Like, that number connotation has, like, bad luck to it.
Because it's, like, it means cheap.
Cheap.
Right?
Or, like, the chopsticks being pointed up.
Right?
Like, if you put your chopsticks in rice and it's up like that,
that's, like, they won't understand that.
That's a cultural thing.
They won't understand that.
Because in foreign countries, people are buried in the ground.
Right?
We don't have the kind of, like, grave with the two.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We don't have that.
So they wouldn't know that.
But for Japanese people, you would.
Right?
So there's just, like, a few things.
Yeah, they wouldn't care.
I know you try hard, like, not to do something wrong for foreigners' image.
Yeah.
But not to make foreigners bad.
Yeah.
Actually, this is another tip, is if you feel like you're not doing something right,
just ask a Japanese person.
They will tell you.
They won't tell you you're doing something wrong,
but they will tell you you're doing something wrong if you ask them.
Like, they'll feel more comfortable if you ask them.
So, like, if you're like, oh, like, if you ever go to a shrine,
and you're like, I don't know what to do in a shrine,
Japanese people, if you ask, hey, what do I do here?
Japanese people, oh, okay, here.
This is what you do.
You know, you clap two times.
You know, you bow, and then you clap two times again.
Like, you know, like those kind of things.
Japanese people will be very happy to help you with those things.
Yes, yes, yes.
But one thing is there's a lot of Japanese people
that actually don't know the etiquette of shrine.
They don't.
Like, it's kind of funny when I go to a shrine,
and I see, like, lots of Japanese people that don't know the proper etiquette,
but I do because I've been here for so long.
But, like, yeah.
Yeah, sometimes, like, about history,
you knew more than me.
Yeah, yeah.
There's a lot, yeah.
Like, there's a lot of things that Japanese people are not aware of.
Yeah, like shrine.
Yep.
Okay, I see.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, that was a good conversation.
I liked it.
That was a good one.
日本の文化への理解
So, can you tell me again your tips?
I don't remember.
Be aware of, like, don't worry about all the rules.
Just remember certain ones that stand out the most,
like don't talk on trains.
And be aware of your spatial awareness.
And, you know, always put the trash away properly
because, like, it's a clean country for a reason, you know.
It's because people don't want to litter.
They don't want to see that all the way around.
No.
And then also, like, ask Japanese people about these things.
They will not tell you themselves, right?
But you can ask them about it, and then they will tell you.
They'll feel more comfortable telling you if you ask them that question.
And then in relationships, take your time.
Like friendships, and if you're going out with a Japanese person,
take your time with it.
Let those barriers break naturally, but you have to take your time.
You can't expect them to, you know, show, like,
the same kind of thing you're used to in your own country, right?
It's very different here.
And then lastly, like, when in Rome, do as Romans do.
Yes.
Like...
Yeah.
It's common.
Yeah, it's a common thing.
It's so common, but people freaking forget this all the time.
It's like you can't expect, like, come on.
But that's true, right?
Yeah.
Even, like, to me, for me, when I'm a foreigner in some other countries,
I keep that in my mind.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
That's how it is.
I think this is the first time I ask you about this.
Yeah, I think so.
Because you have many Japanese people around me.
Yeah.
And my family is all Japanese, so I'm wondering.
I think another...
異文化との調和
One tip for Japanese people if they are dating a foreign person,
this is for Japanese people,
is to understand that sometimes when foreign people are around Japanese people,
if they've assimilated a lot,
there's always going to be 10% of them that is not assimilated.
So you need to allow them to, you know, kind of take, like, kind of, like, recharge.
Recharge.
Like, yeah, because we can be in the culture, right?
But there's going to be a time where we need to be, like...
Understand.
We need to be, like, ourselves.
Like, there's a time where, like, if we're home alone,
I need to be, like, how I would be back in Canada just for, like, a few hours.
That kind of thing, right?
Me time.
Yeah, like, me time, exactly.
Like, you have to, like, especially, like,
if you're always constantly hanging around with Japanese people,
you need to kind of take that space and go somewhere else, right?
So...
I try. I'm trying.
Yeah, well, that's why sometimes...
Let me know if you need me time.
Of course, of course.
I try to bring my kids out.
Yeah.
Got it?
Yeah.
That was interesting.
Yeah.
It was good chat.
Thank you.
Yeah, no problem.
Okay, then.
Thank you for listening.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
Have a good day.
Take care.
