引きこもり生活と日常の出来事
Welcome to Hikikomori. Welcome to my podcast. Asyou'll record it, from a room that hasn't changedsince, well, America had a different president,maybe two.
Seventeen years inside, that's not a lifestyle,that's a subscription plan. You forgot to cancel.Some people call it isolation.
We call it free shipping on every emission.
Outside, this is my every single day. No one seesit. Slow is fine. Stopping is fine. Hikikomori.This is just a podcast.
I've been having a hard time lately, and mydepression been bad. I think most people withdepression feel the same. Anyway, somethinghappened again.
It's about tofu again. I was talking with myparent, and somehow we ended up talking abouttofu. Like, always I told her I was putting 150gof tofu in my small mixture tomorrow.
Then my parent said, oh, you are putting soybeansin it? She said, you are putting soybeans in themixture? I said, tofu.
But she kept saying soybeans the second time. Sheeven said, green soybeans? It's hard to explain,but it made no sense to me.
She always put some beans in the mixture before,so I guess they assumed it's game. I said tofu,and I'm sure they heard it, but she couldn'tunderstand it, so she ignored what I said.
And went back to soybeans. When someone saidsomething different from usual, you'd think you'dnotice, but she didn't. She just kept going withsoybeans. I said it three times.
Later, after she came home, I talked to her again.I told her she ignored what I said because shecouldn't understand it.
Then she said, no, I knew it was tofu. You areputting tofu in the mixture. I said, no, you saidsoybeans at first. Then she said, at first Ithought it was soybeans, but later, I knew it wastofu.
After that, the story got messy and I don'tremember everything, but it made no sense. Atfirst, she clearly said soybeans. I said sheignored my words because she couldn't understandthem.
She didn't get what I meant. I explained it manytimes. Then she suddenly said she knew it wastofu. I said it made no sense.
This kind of thing happened before too. When Iasked why she said something strange at first, shesaid she understood the whole time. When I saidshe understood at the end, it's a mess.
カバーアートの設定と過去の経験
Anyway, next topic. I've been thinking about coverart. I wanna look natural, not fake, and I don'twanna lie.
My parent was supposed to help me change the coverart setting, but she couldn't find the rightplace. She got stuck on her own idea and couldn'ttry other ways.
When people can't find something, she usually tryeverything, but she couldn't. She was stuck. I'vemade the same mistake before too.
I finally changed the cover art setting. I shouldhave done it earlier, but when I finally starteddoing it, something had happened again.
It reminded me of when I wrote that complaintletter about the religion reader and my parent gotangry. At the same timing, my parent felt like badluck. Things never go well when they're involved.
It's strange how things go wrong at the exactworst moment. If it's just luck, the chance is toolow. Maybe there's a reason.
I remembered a story about a celebrity who saw aghost in the same place as their parent. I couldn't accept it because it didn't make sensescientifically.
But when I looked it up, there are reasons why twopeople might think they saw the same thing.
家族との関わりと健康への懸念
Yesterday, I heard my father touch a cup rightafter coming home. I asked my mother if he washedhis hands before touching things. She said yes,but I'm not sure.
Maybe he saw my phone light at night and gotannoyed and touched the cup on purpose. Maybe that's too much guessing, but with my parent, it'spossible.
Last night was cold. I didn't wanna use the heatertoo much. Maybe it's because I changed the cover.My health is already bad, so it was tough. Icouldn't find the reason no matter how much Ithought.
I also read the writer said young people shouldn'tfear failure. But I always thought that idea wasstrange. Words count as doing something. Wordscount as not doing something.
It's also someone's personal idea. People say trythings when you are young, but trying somethingcan also ruin your life. It's a gamble. They onlythink about success. The honest way to say it isit.
If you try something, you might fail and thingsmight get bad, but you might also succeed. It's agamble. I knew this since middle school. Thosewords never meant anything to me.
My depression's been bad. In high school from 1styear to 3rd year, it was terrible. My father didn't even know I had depression. She said it wasdesire. I was shocked. Maybe it's common withreligion thinking.
情報収集と変化への恐怖
Yesterday, I looked at the philosophy boardonline, but nothing good was there. I wasted time.I stopped listening to the podcast for a while,but I forgot why I listened again yesterday. Butit was boring.
I already knew everything. It made me feel worsebecause I'm sensitive to change. Before I startedmy podcast and even now, I'm scared of change.
A doctor once said one was more scared of his wifethan cancer. For me, change is scarier thananything. When something changed in my life, shiftand fear comes.
This morning, I talked with my parents about theprime minister. We said she looks strong and otherleaders would bow to her. I also looked up a tooltoday. When I find something good, I want to lookfor more. It's human nature.
In the afternoon, I found a good tool for mypodcast, but then I started thinking maybe anotherone is better. But then I realized the old one wasfine. But timing again, the world is convenientbut not always good.
I also checked my Spanish episode. I only madefour, so I thought I could switch to Portuguese,but I thought that people in Chile and Argentinalistened to those four episodes. The timing wasbad again. I couldn't give up.
I don't know the listener numbers because thestats aren't clear. Spanish might be better withEnglish, but Brazil has many people who likeJapan. I keep going back and forth.
目標設定と人間関係
I also realized something. When I do somethingwith a goal and it fails, I feel like it waspointless. But when I do something naturallywithout a goal, I don't feel bad even if it fails.So maybe goals are good for me.
I also noticed and I can't remember the last timeI laughed. People who stay inside probably feelthe same. It sucks not being able to talk topeople.
Next topic. My parent goes to a small religionmeeting at a neighbor's house. I asked how manypeople go, but she said she couldn't ask. Thatfelt strange, so I said. Then I think it's astrange meeting.
My parents look tired already. I feel bad forthem. My feet hurt too and I can't walk out. Butmy stomach doesn't get bad as much now. And mynails don't grow like before.
When I see others struggle, I sometimes feeljealous. It's strange. I also noticed that myphone search shows up on my computer's YouTubeeven though the accounts are different. It feelsstrange. Many odd things happen around me. Itreminds me of spirits.
I doubt about changing my cover art every time.Some foreign podcasts do that. But I'm not good atart. And I'm scared that using my brain for artwill take away space from language.
I've always been scared of running too muchbecause I doubt other things would fall out of myhead. I used to think people who run down thingslike dangerous must have a big brain.
I thought maybe I shouldn't use time on artbecause I need time for philosophy board and otherthings. I tend to go to extremes. In theafternoon, I had a daydream. I saw a show wheresenior idols told a junior idol they didn't sweatenough.
I imagined myself saying sweat is an importantpart. My mind goes everywhere even during meals.Ideas for my podcast come up. But I forget themlater. It's like a dream.
I also imagined talking to a girl from my class ifI had a girlfriend back then. My mind still goesback to school days. Time feels stuck. My headspins a lot. I think about things I didn't read onthe board. When I lie down, I try hard to stop thedoubt.
In high school, a senior invited me to go fishing.I liked him, but I hated doing things with people.I didn't want to lose my free time. I knew he'dthink I didn't like him. It was painful. I couldn't explain it.
趣味と自己認識
Later, I learned this is common in people withdevelopmental issues. When I first became a shut-in, I only listened to classical music to keep mymind clean. Later, I watched documentaries abouthosts and hostesses.
Recently, I listened to crime podcasts. But theycan be dark and leave bad feelings, so I mightstop. I also realized I haven't talked about manythings I think about. I daydream about the idolssaying things in a better way.
I also looked up why white hair ends up behind afridge. It's because of airflow and static. It'ssensitive to sound and voices. I saw rankings ofvoices before like. But my taste was totallydifferent.
It made me feel alone again. I'm very competitive,but when things get hard, my depression hits.Other people can balance things and stay social,and I couldn't. I was a lone wolf.
I also realized my handwriting was always bad.Teachers always said it. I thought everyone elsehad nice handwriting, but maybe mine was just bad.That's also common in developmental issues. Eventhough I feel depressed, I don't wanna end mylife.
After I quit that, I assisted dying group. Thatfeeling went away. When I felt real danger,something changed in school. I liked drawing fireand didn't try enough with it. But I still fearedbeing completely different.
Later, I stopped caring and focused on beingbetter than others, but I lost all friends.Sometimes, I missed my younger self. People werestrange. I feared being totally different fromothers.
人生のゲーム性と将来への展望
I also wanted to talk about the story Sayouga Uma.When my microwave broke, I used a grill set andmaybe it saved gas. Life is like a game. Peoplejudge things as good or bad only after theyhappen.
Like the whole story, good things happen, then badthings happen. And the meeting keeps changing, solife feels like a game you take seriously. I alsowoke up thinking about Spanish vs Portugueseagain.
In 5 years, Spanish will have more listeners andaudio-only contents work better in Spanish. Ithought that settled it, but I already havelisteners in Brazil, so I'm still unsure.
Thank you for listening. Greetings from Holland.See you again.
