00:00
I don't go outside.This is my battlefield.Fightingalone.Every single day.No one sees it.But I keepgoing.Slow is fine.Stopping is fine.Just moveforward.HIKIKOMORI HERO.Still standing.
This is just a podcast.
A quiet place to live today.Air,mood and smallwith alignment.A gentle reminder that youreveryday life is not alone.
I'm gonna talk about what happened today.First,yesterday, again for some reason, the first floorwindow was open even though it's so cold.
And I closed it.But I can't hear a rock clickingor the sound of it shutting properly.So I told myparents to check if it's closed well.
I don't get why I have to say this but I'm anxiousso I'll mention it.I'm anxious so I already toldthem.Also I haven't been using the heater latelyso the first floor is cold and even my room on thesecond floor is cold.
When I thought about why I realized it's probablybecause my parents are trying to save on costswhen they randomly change the temperature likethis.
It affects even the second floor.So it's reallyannoying.And besides not using the heater doesn'tmake sense anyway.
It's they are not putting in kerosene until nextfall.That's stupid.Also I found out this morningthat kerosene costs money and it's about 2000 yen.
But once they put it in this time, I can't stopthinking about it.2000 yen is sort of a weirdamount.Neither small nor big.
I thought if they save a little more this time,things could have worked out and maybe we wouldn'thave needed to put it in.
03:06
Anyway it was cold yesterday and it's cold today.Also I told her to transfer all the podcast coversand images to the computer.
I said all of them but then they asked which oneto transfer and there are so many.So they said shedon't know which to pick.
But I said all of them yet they randomly assumeagain that many is bad.
But I wondered what to do.But then I remembered Isaid all.So I told her all again one more time.
Also yesterday in the end right now I'm recordingin the morning.But since last time I talked I'mnot sure if there are any progress or not.
But there's no progress in the end.I don't reallyget the podcast thing but I'm really lucky becauseright when I started video podcast became popular.
And now there are mainstream in the US andoverseas.There are even video podcast ranking forSpanish speaking and Portuguese speakingcountries.
From what I see Spanish speaking countries arebecoming mainstream but Brazil seem to have morespread out podcast watching culture.
I'm not exactly sure what that nuance means and Iwon't talk about details like which fit my showbetter.
But I'm researching these things along with coverart.Right now things aren't going well and I don'treally know what to do.
I've been feeling lonely ever since I started thisblog.Right now I can do video podcast also solobroadcast are rare.
And there are few Japanese podcasters anyway.Andthere are probably aren't any hikikomori peopledoing podcast.
And there aren't many doing English broadcasteither.And there are many people with this styleeither.
When it's too lonely it's hard so I try to dothings normally.But when I become normal then Ithink where am I doing the same thing as thesepeople.
06:15
And I try to do something totally different againand end up lonely again.
Isn't that a troublesome personality?So when Isupport something and it gets popular combinedwith my personality or getting enthusiastic easilyand losing interest quickly
I suddenly lose all heat and just think whateverso I guess it's only with Nogizaka46 that I canhelp but support them because I've been supportingthem since they were already popular.
But with the Hokkaido fighters I stoppedsupporting them around a year before they won thechampionship and I can't think of any others but Ihave a troublesome personality.
Also when talking on podcast I forget what to talkabout but I can talk about everything in one dayso I try to talk about things by cycling throughthem and normally I think I could balance it.
But when I think about it more carefully in itsheart the more I think the more I remember thosethings for me I don't really have that sense.
So not knowing the moderate amount is apparentlycommon for people with developmental disabilitiesso since I can't balance it even unconsciously it's probably because I'm forcing myself to figuresomething out that I can do podcast stream
But it sometimes takes a huge amount ofremembering things.The conversation I had with myparent was this morning.An idol leaked images andmoreover it was right after joining.
She made some kind of excuse saying they were justclose friends and I kind of laughed because itturned out she was a woman.
09:05
I thought that person was really troublesome so Iwas talking with my parent today and I keepthinking about various things.I was thinking theclone must be pretty sure they are not sufferingor anything but this morning I had a good idea.
What if I had a grudge against my clone and hadmale and female siblings and I went on a date withone and I was terribly and my close asked me areyou gonna get married?
And I'd lie and I'd say yes I will even thoughthey'll probably investigate and find out we'resiblings anyway but if it ended up in a clone bookI'd announce yes these are my siblings but that'snever happened before so that's amazing
And I'm always thinking about this but I'm mostscared of walking around halfway with siblings andgetting misunderstood.Celebrities are scary.Ialways think that especially idols are scary.
If I were them I'd probably purposely flirt withmy siblings while on a date so I'm only havingthese impure fantasies.
Also sometimes cause trouble for their group andend up suspending activity due to rule violationsbut now there are people doing it with hugepassion and I believe humans don't grow.
They only age so that's why I get moved because Idon't hold weird illusions.I get moved at timeslike this also about Hokkaido hot springs long agothat the food at Touma hot spring was tasty.
Aozaki and Hokkaido university cafeterias weren'tdelicious but the ramen at Ski village made bunsand potato fries were good and the hot spring nearJozankei I went with relative was nice.
12:04
And today I remembered Jozankei hot spring wassmall but nice even though I didn't use the openair bath also since I always talk about painfulthings something happy was.
From an idol group I thought this one member wascute but my parents said she wasn't.By chanceyesterday I saw the graduation circle and the Ilike was still there.
Even in the graduation circle she still around theelementary middle school age like a girl school sofrom that time she was already chosen.
Also I'm really good at guessing women's age.Ionly have talent for useless things in uselessplace.My parents money is unclear.
They were talking about how the croquette from aneighbor was always delicious.She said she gotother things too.The croquette was superdelicious.Other things were ok.
When I asked today she don't remember the croquette but she vividly remembered the simmeredhamburger steak was delicious but she totally don't remember the croquette.I wonder what's up withparents memory.
Conversation don't match.Suddenly changing topicsbut what's up with humans I think I'm noexception.Do we have to blame others to survive?
I become a hikikomori just because I was unluckybut I don't wanna think it was just bad luck.I'mthinking it was a mistake or something like that.
Saying mistake sounds awkward.But I feel themechanism of developmental disorders is behind itand it's also religion.In posture I wanna believethat and probably it's not wrong.
But I have weird confidence in myself so I neveronce doubted it was my personal problem for even asecond.But then I don't know why I think that.
15:12
I don't wanna blame my parents but the mostpainful part is I don't wanna think it happenedbecause of the terrible people who made that Tora-Uma so I don't wanna think that.
That's not the reason but I still believe ithappened because of religion and stuff.Sadly that's probably the truth but whether it's true or notdoesn't matter.I still don't wanna think it wasthose guys fault.
So I end up blaming my parents from thisstandpoint.I don't want anyone saying you don'tlook at yourself and always blame society becauseI don't wanna hear that.I think it's not reallyabout that kind of talk.
Next topic.Humans seem to be creatures that can'ttolerate suddenly in physics.There's a uncertainprinciple or something.I always can't remembermaybe it was uncertain principle.
I forgot the name but it's proven so we are notadapt to the world and I wonder how humanitysurvived this for some reason.People get anxiousif they don't know why they are living.People getanxious not knowing why they live but there's nomeaning anyway.
So we create meaning to reduce anxiety but notmany people realize that.It's convenient but Iunderstand.It's unavoidable.If we knew it was madeup life would be harder but I don't want peopleforcing it on me.
If it's within yourself that's fine.So meaning isn't substance or essence.It's just a tool.It's justa phenomenon.Just something that is there in thatmoment.It's not something unshakable.
18:02
So psychologically meaning change with environmentand culture.Some say living for family is life'smeaning.Some say living ideas is meaning.Some saythere's no meaning but they are living.And somenever doubt about it.But such meaning change withcountry and era.So it's not universal.
Humans get despair realizing it's just somethinghumans made.Humans can't live without feelingmeaning.Same for me.No matter how they live.Humanscan't live without feeling meaning so they forcethemselves to believe that there are meaning orthey get meaning.
But that's changed over time.So we realize it wastemporary so it's necessary to have meaning forliving to some extent.But I think it's better torealize it doesn't actually exist.But maybe somepeople need that realization and some don't.
If you despair next day some people are totallycheerful.Anyway and after one day sleeping theyare back to normal.So it is fine.I can't do that.Iknow what's happen if I seriously think life hasmeaning.
In existential psychology humans seek meaning butthe world has no meaning.So contradiction alwaysarise apparently.Not having meaning is fine.Butfeeling life has no meaning.It's unpleasant.Nihilism is unpleasant.
So for myself nihilism is word play but Nietzsche's nihilism isn't quite that.Quite and nihilism.Ithink those meanings are totally different.I thinklife's meaning is just an illusion or another wordor story.It's fiction.
Living somehow watching fiction.But isn't societylike that?To maintain social order somehow we dothings with different from others.Animal soulmeaning is just a story society recreated.That'swhy I stopped of society's way.
Humans must hold values.But that's bug you.So lifeis super hard.Life has no meaning.And I realizethere isn't any.So living within society.
21:16
What life philosophy you have?It's easy when youare with people.You get swift along.So you don'tneed to think about life's meaning.You live justby getting swift along.
Value and gone.But without humans contact valuefurther lot.So life's meaning feels unclear.Youare fear that much.But it's hard living.
Family models collapse and once that happens.Ifelt it can be recovered.Everyone lost what they'dtaken for granted.Also I was a student.When Ireleased buried inside me.Being free is good.
But everything I protect was lost.And I got lostwondering how to live.Nothing important to lose.But it's like losing everything.After that I gotdepressed.
Next topic.People who talk like this.I wanna givean example of someone I can't understand.Say dopro-japan countries listen to Japanese podcastsmore than non-pro-japan countries or it'spossibility higher.
I ask someone.And for that country.Like in Englishor Spanish.If I speak their native language.Willthey listen regardless of pro-japan or not.Don'tmany people answer like that.
Did you understand my example.With those people.Nomatter how many times I say it.They don'tunderstand.I give up.Even if they think I'mstubborn.I've started accepting it.But I feel theconversation doesn't get through.
What I wanna ask is.Pro-japan countries vs non-pro-japan countries.Condition is same.Speak samenative language.Under these conditions.Which Ilisten more.Does pro-japan listen more.Or does pro-japan not matter.That's what I'm asking.
24:06
But the answer.Because if you don't speak nativelanguage.They won't listen.But if you speak nativelanguage.They will.That doesn't answer it.
Even if speaking native language.They'll listen.Within that.Does pro-japan listen more.More pro-japan or not.Create a difference.That's what I'masking.
Despite explaining this clearly.The answer is justthey'll listen.Which doesn't answer it.But thiskind of conversation normally work.And regularpeople don't get it.
I wonder if they think nothing of it.Lately I'vebeen talking often and streaming while working.Butmy life has no so many regret.Right now I'm doingEnglish.But I'm not sure how it actually is.
I calculated various things.And worried some pro-japan countries have language with easypronunciation.And English is opposite to Japanese.Especially pronunciation.Picking this.I don't knowif it be understand.I'm wondering if I should havethought about Indonesian and Portuguese beingbetter.
I regret it.My blog is like that too.I docomplicated things and regret later.Returning toearlier talk that I did about Brazil.It's craftedso unclear.
But in the end.It's a podcast listener country.Higher in Brazil than the whole Spanish speakingarea.But correct numbers aren't.Also I don't knowhowever.Brazil is becoming mainstream.With videopodcast now.
Spanish speaking areas much more YouTube.But theyhave radio culture and audio listening culture.It's complicated.I don't know which is better.Alsothis is general talk.And what about Japanesepeople.What about my show.I don't know.
I don't know.With all this truth being made andconvenient world.It's frustrating not knowing atcrucial point.Right now it's daydream.I can'tupstairs to the second floor recording.Hikikomorilife often gives me time to think philosophy.Joblecturing or guiding people.
27:14
People come to my mind first.But these people aredefinitely getting angry emotionally.They pretendit's for that people's sake.Person's sake.Everyonein society knows they are not getting emotional.They are getting angry to guide someone.
Everyone knows.But I absolutely think it'simpossible.Because acting angry without angeremotion came out hugely stressful.You get emptywondering what you are doing.Why am I so angry.
Mostly getting angry at people bring guilt andhuge stress.It's use lot of energy.Angry energy ispretty strong.Unless you get yourself go to thatangry energy.It's hard to get angry at people.
Long term.Teachers at first.They don't know.Butafter one or two years.They are definitely gettingemotional and angry.They get angry at student.Theydislike.I had teachers I liked and disliked.Most Idisliked.But I really hate the teaching professionitself.
Next topic.I showed my parents the graduationcircle we talked about.And they said.Is this kidthat cute.I thought my parents and I are reallyout of sync.
The only person in my life I failed to understandme was a clinical psychologist.Doctors were quacks.There are good people in life too.People Ilike.Good people.Kind people.
I met various people.But the only one I failed tounderstand was a clinical psychologist.I don'treally feel they understand me.I think people don't understand me.But I also find it's hard tounderstand people.Humans can't understand others.That's just how it is.
Some people say this.I've realized this painfullyseveral times.But still.I feel people don'tunderstand me.That's weird paradox.Humans dounderstand each other.Somewhere.I'm studyingEnglish too.But what's the point.I startedthinking that.
30:11
And split personality came out.With splitpersonality.Past memories disappeared.I forget whyI started these benefits.Talking for the podcast.But what's the other benefit.If that's known.Whatam I doing.Am I studying for.I feel that way.
Also watching videos.Drawing.Meals is ok.I can'ttaste well.But I try hard to my taste.But tastesomehow.I don't need to think it's delicious.Justmake myself think it's a little delicious.But evenwatching videos.Video aren't needed,right?
It's become a problem sometimes.When watching.Itry hard to make myself think it was hungry.Funny.This is pretty cruel to not watching videos.But it's.If I don't watch.What to do?
Well.I have to live.But have to live is.Someonetelling me to.But I have to live.So make myselfliving is also pretty meaningless.I talked easily.Easier.Earlier.Humans so.What what is.Society.
Society.Psychologically.Society.Psychologically.Psychologist say.I don't really trust psychologistword.Originally life has no meaning.But humansseek meaning.So contradiction.
Alias.Invitably nihilism is born apparently.Theyexplain it's that way.People hate thatcontradiction.Probably most don't notice or noticeand worry and it's ending instant.
But I worry.I worry about those contradiction.ButI'm not searching for life's meaning.And these arepeople suffering like that.
Extreme people by the way.Me.But you gotta acceptlife has no meaning.And normal healthy people theymake their own meaning or it's painful meaning isn't found somewhere searching.
33:02
So people or it's painful meaning isn't foundsomewhere searching.So people entering religionprobably think.I met something real.They imagine.Or anyway what's timing.Maybe it's 30th or 40th.Idon't know.
I don't know.But it's the same thing.Makingmeaning yourself and thinking.This is real.And thesame.Maybe meaning religion is first or secondtime.But third or fourth or fifth.And almost tiredof searching life meaning.Suddenly changing topic.But listening to people's talk on radio or TV.
Japanese people have common habit.I hesitateasking here.But if I experience this and podcastlisteners can't concentrate.That's too painful.
Conversely.Taking like this.Maybe they listen morerelaxed.Maybe not.But talking itself.If someonesaid this to me.I'd notice.So it's obsession.
I noticed when listening.I think this person has ahabit.And admitting you have that habit makes menotice terribly.Also humans think cause effect.Iknew that.They dislike random things.This happenso that happen.
So like catching a cold.Unconsciously search forthe cause.But more unconsciously.
In tiny ways.Probably finding cause effect.Tinythings.My body got itchy.And I unconsciouslythink.What caused it?Trying to solve it.Doingcountless things.They wanna know reason.So humansseek meaning.Lately several days.Yesterday and theday before.
Night was cold.This morning cold.Morning supercold.Afternoon cold too.So strange.Don't know why.
Probably parents start saving suddenly.But seemnot really rarely that and a few years ago it waslike this daily.
36:02
So strange.Don't know why.Probably parents startsaving suddenly.But seem not really that and a fewyears ago it was like this daily.So I wonder howthey managed.
But back then I thought only this year.Last yearso I could like.Let's push only this year.Likesports player until Olympic endure.Or afterretirement.
It's fine.When that time comes you think.Maybecounter it a bit more.But that's right.Better ityourself.But when that habit forms.This reallylast time.Knowing my doubts.Better it me.
Probably bad habit forms.But in my case I havemany pattern like today.I'll push today.But nextday.I do this same.
Also video.Maybe I shouldn't care per video.Butactually watching is ok.But somehow I listen fromfavorite or listen from money.It happens day too.
If I could manage myself.I'd be fine.But I can't.And I don't trust my parent.If I could trust.It'dbe fine.
But I wonder if there were other videos to watch.Today this probably was again.And I thought socouples worldwide.I think they do well trustingeach other about money.
Also today.Entertainers.Managers.Or upper person.After this week was tough right.You recently saidthat.I imagine right now.You are shining most.Sometimes you are change.But I thought now.Rightnow.You are shining.I imagined.
There must be desire.Wanting.People happy doingthings for them.So if I become a doctor.Giving aparent 2 million yen car.If I become a doctor.Iimagine that.
Unconsciously after meals.What did I think.Highschool era.The girl behind from same crowd kept.But nothing.All debris.And I imagined saying.Ihave depression.Please stop.
So even concentrate during meals.What this.I'm notdoing it on purpose imagining.Because of this.Trauma comes back often.Also this afternoon.This isafternoon too.Talking about like this.
39:15
Sometimes I get.Because of this.Trauma comes backoften.Also this afternoon.This is afternoon too.Taking like this.Sometimes I get revenge for abouttrauma.And I wonder how listeners feel.So I tryvery hard to be considerate.But I don't know.
I'm from HSP.But I understand others feelings toomuch.Even listening to people talk.Definitelyshouldn't say this now.
I'm full of counter example.And I.This morning.Isaid.Don't post.That's cover and new one.I'll postafter that.Don't post until now.But they areposting.I checked.
She said.Don't post with images.But transferringimage font to computer.Complicated talk.Butposting with what.We didn't talk that.So postingwith imagine later.Or whatever.She completelyimagine.
Already.That's how it is.With this weirdassumption.I can't deal.So like researchers at Pharma.Compromised.Marking new vaccine and new typecomes out.Trying every trick.But nothing work.
I tried every trick too.Said it 5 times not togive.But no.When starting broadcast.I worriedabout putting Hikumori in name.But this time.I putit again.Checking it's a home.
After all.So when hospitalized.For seriousillness.Writer.I don't interest much with societyanyway.But interesting for treatment.
No friend.No job.But differs from Ministry ofHealth definition.I think this show name won'tworked forever.I worry about future now.Butsearching other names.No.Is this right?Show name.No.
42:16
Show names like last time.I obviously don't wantto change.Changing name.Create SEO problem andalgorithm issue.Especially this show.Talk Englishtoo.
Next topic.An entertainer entered show business.Failed twice got into art college.At first.Ithought twice failure.
Calculating.Listening stories.Sometimes oncefailure.Sometimes twice failure.Repeats 5 timeslike easily.Easier.Earlier.Strange thing happen.Doubt.Differently twice failure.
Calculating many times.Still once failure.Mycalculation isn't weak.Listening stories.Sometimesshows once failure.
6th or 8th time finally understood twice failure.Strange thing show name again.Can't escape.Hikikomori is 6 months at home per Ministry definition.Can't go out.But this show name won't workedforever.
Hikikomori forever.Start thinking about again.
No good word.Lonely too broad.Hikikomori meansstaying home.But how to express not living sociallife.No family.No good word.I get I'm off.
Nobody with serious illness after hikikomori willbe hospitalized like this.So what saving.Suchpeople don't exist.OK.Can't help it.
Now thinking for hikikomori except.Redefinemyself.But if listeners think different fromexpected.I'll hate that later.
Even if I redefine recording at night.Wanna talkat show name first.Be 50,000 yen.5,000 yen.Since hikikomori started 5,000 something inside Japan.Making that title sounds good.
45:03
Wanna include Japan.Maybe show Japan is cover art.Run out things.That about writing samurai.Failed.Cup noodles also represent Japan.But how to findthings representing Japan also failed.
But with this show name I said.Japan people won'tget what it means.It's hacking and curious.Ithought it was good.But now there's this problem.And I'm mad because I thought it was a good title.
But once I decided the show name.Changing itagain.Reach back trauma.I've failed many timesbefore with this.Changing again and again.Gettinginto bad situation.
Podcast cover art is about getting people to knowthe show in an instant.And that's hard.Should Iuse words or not.What words are good.
I wanna show Japan and I'm struggling even withouttalent.I wonder if I can do something.But I can'task anyone in the dream.I was talking with my dadabout my sick cousin.
Who am I.What's the talk.I forget but these peopleare pretty terrible weird people.But my cousin isa really good person.Totally no problem.But mycousin is pretty terrible too.In the dream I don'tknow what's meaning.
What's when I said pretty terrible.He said.Whatare you saying.That's impossible.He doesn't acceptanyone's view.I wonder how to make him understand.Thinking in the dream.Relatively you only see thegood part.For my dad it's his one eye.
I wonder why he doesn't question common sensemore.Feeling angry in the dream.Speaking of whichI just doubt.People say showing emotion isinstinct.Like you shouldn't get emotional.Butshowing emotion when talking is normal for humans.
Robotic or talking constantly at the same rhythmis creepy right now.It's 2pm.I'm in the bathroom.Ihad another dream.Earlier dream with my dad cameagain.And even knowing it's a dream.I'm mad.Andthe next dream I do.I'm not just fiction.It's notjust fiction.
48:08
It's related to reality.I don't know if it's asea,lake or river.But I keep thinking don't gothere.Don't go.I dream mixing fantasy and dreamthinking don't go there.But getting pulled in.
Then it became a flat.But maybe it's fantasy.Aboutbecoming a flat.Feeling like I'm fantasizing inthe dream.But thinking about it.Maybe my life ismixing reality.
And fantasy too.Is it that straight or is itbecause there's almost no change.I don't know.Alsotoday my body is so itchy again.First timeconsciously.Second time while sleeping under mypants went downstairs to wash hand.
Now I went downstairs again.Third time.And forsome reason my whole body is itchy.I worried maybeit's might.But I don't think it's sweet.But mywhole body is itchy.It's creepy.I wonder if it'sbecause I can't take bath.Feeling anxious.
Also negative point.Show name is decided.It's thecurrent one.But other things aren't decided.There's no basis.
